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Vacation hell soon to be permanent hell.

imjustme's picture

For two years my husband and I have been planning a family reunion cruise. We went on the cruise hoping to enjoy the beautiful weather and our family. My 12yo SD also came along and shared a cabin with us. She was so clingy the entire time and so manipulative that I couldn't even sit next to my husband BF at dinner. I don't get along with his family very well. I can handle them and be polite, but one sibling and his wife are so stuck up that it is beneath them to converse with you. BF's other sibling is a complete idiot. Unfortunately that is the sibling that has a monstrous 2 year old. So when my vacation wasn't being ruined by a manipulative, back talking SD, I had to listen to a screaming 2yo who was going through a hitting and kicking phase. I thought during the cruise that I was being overly sensitive because I am pregnant with my first child. So I waited for a few weeks to see if my feelings of resentment of his family and my feelings of anger towards him for being so easily manipulated would subside. They didn't. Matter of fact they festered. Today I finally lost it when I asked if we could get a way for a weekend sometime before the baby is born. He said that we got to spend time together on the cruise. I never got to see him, alone. Evil SD wouldn't allow it. When I tried to go swimming with them to join in a “family activity” she would start wrestling around in the water. She even "accidentally" kicked me in my side, thankfully not my stomach. She did say "sorry", but it was dripping with sarcasm and her little smirk made me want to rip her head off. If I tried to go hang out with his family in the evening in the bars on the boat (where kids aren't allowed after ten) she would pout and start crying because we were ignoring her. So he would allow her in the bar. I tried to put my foot down and I got corrected by my husband, he said "She is on vacation." Well NEWSFLASH, so is every other passenger on the boat, they have already spent the entire day dealing with everyone else’s kids; they don't need to deal with them there. After I mentioned that to him, he said "Well we're just sitting here in the corner, its okay." I gave up that argument and she looked at me at smirked. I left, and his family thought I was just being a bitch because of that. The last night of the cruise everyone was going to the casino after ten. She wasn't allowed in there. I wanted her to go to bed early because we had to get up at 5:00 the next morning to get off the boat and get through customs. We had early flights. I was told it would be alright for her to go to the casino, because she "promised" to get up without any problem. As they left the room, she actually flipped me off. The next morning, she didn't get up early, she was a half an hour late getting off the boat, they rushed her and BF through customs, and I left at the right time. I was waiting for them in the shuttle to the airport. Had she got up on time she could have had breakfast, but she didn’t so she was "starving." My SD has NEVER missed a meal, she is well over 230. Serves her right.

I was so thankful to get her on the plane to go back to her mom. We got home and there was a voice mail from evil SD, her mom (BM) (aka: $2.00 hooker) is pregnant with her boyfriend, Mr. Two felonies for beating my ex wife and kids, child. She now wants to come live with us. My husband thinks this would be great b/c it would save us $1k a month, yes let me repeat that, $1k a month for only ONE child. That is what we pay in child support. He said yes she can live with us, w/o consulting me. She will be here around my due date. I'm livid. I was really looking forward to being thousands of miles away and not having to deal with her. I wanted to focus on our new family, not deal with bitchy manipulative pre teen. So now only will I get to feel like the odd man out again, this time I will get to take care of a newborn infant all on my own since SD monopolizes BF's time.

I travel home to my parent’s house in a few weeks by myself for my baby shower. I am really debating about not returning. I don't even care if he is there for the birth of our daughter or not. I don't care if he is in her life or not. I just want to walk away. My SD can have her BF back. I can't compete, I can't win. I don't even want child support. I just want to belong to a normal functioning family where I am accepted and not the odd man out all the time. I've felt like that for weeks now, and I don't think I will get on the plane to come back. What do you think? Any advice?

*****NEW******
SD12 has just called and told us she wants to go to private school when she moves here. It is $29k a year to attend that school. BF said OK! I am livid!

Comments

Chel Bell's picture

Being part of a normal functioning family for you and the baby is the most important thing right now. That's why my DH and I live far away from BM & skids, my son is now 18 months, and we left when he was 9 months old as the snide remarks and compitition were already in full swing from BM and the skids (alot of that was BM's doing , but who cares) I was sick of it, and was not going to expose my child to that kind of low budget crazy living.~ " I started out clean, now, I'm jaded"~ Rob Thomas, Matchbox 20

imjustme's picture

We live in a different country from BM. It's still not far enough. BM and SD12 live in on the west coast of the US and we live in Europe. I don't know how much farther we can get. I have no support due to distance from my own family. I'm just exhausted and frustrated because BF allows this to happen and than chastises me for reacting to my SD12's negative behavior.

frustratedinMA's picture

OMG.. I am so sorry.. This sounds like a horrible perdicament to be in. What did BF say when you told him you were upset that you were not consulted, and that you would prefer that she not come live w/you guys?

As for flipping you off.. I would have hit the roof. Did you tell them that the little sh*t did that? I would have been fuming to say the least! what a freakin brat.

I wouldnt say its just the hormones that is making you not want to return. I cant say that I blame you. Wonder what his reaction would be if you told him these were your thoughts.. wonder if he would call her back and tell her that it wasnt going to happen. Perhaps give him the opportunity to change this. OH.. and CS you would need to partition the courts to get that stopped.

frustratedinMA's picture

OMG.. I am so sorry.. This sounds like a horrible perdicament to be in. What did BF say when you told him you were upset that you were not consulted, and that you would prefer that she not come live w/you guys?

As for flipping you off.. I would have hit the roof. Did you tell them that the little sh*t did that? I would have been fuming to say the least! what a freakin brat.

I wouldnt say its just the hormones that is making you not want to return. I cant say that I blame you. Wonder what his reaction would be if you told him these were your thoughts.. wonder if he would call her back and tell her that it wasnt going to happen. Perhaps give him the opportunity to change this. OH.. and CS you would need to partition the courts to get that stopped.

imjustme's picture

BF doesn't see a problem with SD12 living with us. He doesn't understand why I am so upset about it. I've tried mentioning the awful comments SD12 says and what she does behind his back, and he always says "She is just a kid, you have to be the adult here, she didn't mean anything by it." He mentions that he hates having to divide his time between us and I need to just ignore her bad actions.

I haven't mentioned it to BF that I don't want to come back. He would be upset, but he would also say that I am over reacting and it's hormone related.

Elizabeth's picture

I have been through something very similar and will offer you whatever support I can. My husband and I were married when SD was 8. We had our first BD when SD was 10, then about six months later BM moved an hour away from us. SD stayed with us and it has been that way ever since.

Like you, my husband never once asked me if it was OK if SD lived with us full time (before that it had been 50/50 custody, one week with BM then one week with my husband). It does turn your world upside down.

SD and I do not get along and it has grown worse over the years. Sometimes I feel bad for her that she does not have the support of a mother that lives with her, but she treats me so badly I cannot extend that support. And BM is not out of her life, she sees her most weekends. I can tell you without a doubt that the days SD is with BM are the best ones of my life!

As for your unborn child, she does need a father in her life. Even if it's part time. I know that is hard to deal with, and this probably doesn't help much.

imjustme's picture

I do feel bad for SD12 at times. BM is too busy with new boyfriend to pay any attention to her. But if she acts like this at home, I don't blame BM either. I know the baby needs a father, I just don't want her to grow up in an environment with such bitterness and anger. I'm afraid the baby will think that this kind of living situation is normal. I'm tired of being angry with BF and I'm tired of trying to defend myself against the stabs in the back from SD12. I don't know how much he will be involved once SD12 gets here. As it stands now when SD12 visits I'm just the maid. I can't be a maid, SM and mom to newborn all at once. I'm at a loss.

Elizabeth's picture

And the counselor told my husband that I was the convenient scapegoat for all the family's problems. Both acknowledged that I am in a no-win situation. The counselor told my husband that if he wants our marriage to work he has to step up and be responsible for SD. After all, she's his kid and not mine. If they both want to throw that in my face, then they need to accept the consequences.

I no longer do ANYTHING for SD, beyond normal housework. I do not transport her to/from school or other events. I do not cook her special meals, wash her laundry, take her with me shopping or other places, or pick up after her. His child, his responsibility.

This is far from an ideal situation. He feels trapped in the middle between my desires for a clean, harmonious house and SD's desire to do absolutely nothing that isn't fun. But he is the parent, whether he likes the role or not. I am the adult and it is my house (in part), so I need to have some control over what happens there.

I don't know if this helps at all.

Sarah101's picture

Is BM wlling to give up 1K per month? That's the hanging question here. SD12 may want to come live with you, but it's not up to her, is it? She doesn't run the show.

Have your DH and BM decided together that this is the new plan? Have they started to change the custody and support agreement? Is BM clear that she can't pawn off her bratty kid AND keep the 1K per month too?

Dollars to donuts once the BM and her new sperm donor find out she'll lose 1K per month, and maybe eve OWE DH child support, she won't let SD12 consider leaving.

Hmmmm...

imjustme's picture

Unfortunately BM and DH allow SD12 to live wherever she wishes. Since she hates BM's boyfriend more than she hates me, she figured we are the lesser of two evils. BM isn't willing to give up the $, but she does realize that it is part of the arrangment her and BF agreed on in the divorce decree/child-parenting arrangement. She won't pay child support, BF would never her ask her to, she doesn't make enough. I would rather pay BM the money just to keep SD12. I'd even give her a couple hundred more a month if it would stop SD12 from moving over.

sparky's picture

The child support does not stop until the judge signs the doc that says it stops. How many times will you have to go to court with BM contesting all the way to get it stopped?
When you get to your parents house stay there. At least you will have people in your life that care about you and the baby and that is what you need now. You are going to have a miserable life with this dude and the hand writing is on the wall.
As far as the SD is concerned, after she flipped me off, it would have been the end of the road for her.

imjustme's picture

I can't and don't want to stop BF from seeing our child, but I have to wonder what kind of influence will he have on our child. I just wanted him to back me up once in a while instead of being SD12's little pawn. It's not as if BF is worthless, he works very hard, has put me through college and ensures that everything is taken care of financially. But it frustrates me that he is easily manipulated by SD12 and can't see past what he thinks is her angelic face to see the horns holding up her halo.

I have a few weeks to decide, but as it stands now I don't think I'll get on that plane. I want what is best for the baby. This just seem like such a toxic environment whenever SD12 is around.

Most Evil's picture

If he will not step up and take charge of the child, I would tell him you are leaving! Draw the line with him. You will have enough on your hands already with the infant.

I am really afraid that if my SD flipped me the bird, she would have a sore bottom, minimum.

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus