Dating a separated man
I'm dating a separated man... how do i deal with the ex-wife's presence?
my bf still believes that they(my bf, X, daughter and her X's son from another man when she cheated on him) should have family activities like watching movies, children shows, going out to eat, going to the mall and I really hate it... i feel very angry, insecure and left out. he said he's gonna stand his ground and not stop these activities because its for his daughter. he lives in the US... the ex still lives in Asia but he comes to visit them and his parents once a year for a month. can you help me on how girls dealt with it? they've been separated(yes, not yet divorced because they still have to transfer the daughter's name to my bf)for three years but when my bf visited them the last time a year ago... she begged for him to take her back and he did for the sake of the child... but only lasted a week, after my bf went back to the states, she went back to her bf. the X is such a stray. i still feel jealous, uncomfortable and angry about him going over to their house almost everyday. he comes home to me every night after spending a few hours there. he said he doesnt have a choice and could not avoid her. i'm really confused. i hope you can help me. they've been separated for 6 months when we started going out. we've been together for 10 mos now. the ex knows about me and i've seen her bf and their kid as well.
They were already separated when we started dating so i knew from the start what i was going into. but we were both in the US at the time so the ex and the kids aren't in the picture until we both came home to asia for a month. then i experienced the heartaches and how hard the situation is. i just keep thinking this is only one month every year. we're also in a long-distance relationship. we were together though for the past three months. they're fixing the transfer of the name of the daughter and i overheard him telling his dad(lawyer) to deal with the divorce process after the transfer of name. the ex is in a long-term relationship and they also have a kid as a result from her cheating on my bf three years ago. any more advice?
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Comments
It would be good for you
To sit down and ponder not just the fact of him visiting them but this is a lufe changing thing you are entering into. Being with someone who has children and an ex is very difficult at times to deal with. You seriously need to sit and ask yourself some questions. Look deep inside of you.
If you cannot take it now and he has already told you that he is not changing anything for the sake of his daughter. Then you know up front that you are not happy with it, do not agree and that there is nothing you can do to change it. So you have to decide is he and your relationship worth it? And decide if this is TRULY what you want. Look inside yourself and remember I hate to say it because I too felt this way but there are plenty of other fish in the sea.. I am probably seeming blunt and maybe cold, I am not I understand totally I just want you to really think about your situation. you are already voicing your concerns and feelings and unhappiness in the situation, so therefore he has also been up front with you that he is not changing things... SO you have to decide if you are strong enough to deal with all that comes with his package..
Dating a separated man...
If I were to give any advice, it would be to get out while you can! Before you really fall in love with this guy..and make him your life. As he says he isn't going to change...and he will find out that very few women will put up with the way he wants things. He needs to be single and tend to his daughter if that is his feelings. You cannot force him to make changes. Think of yourself...you deserve better!
ex wife
He doesn't have an ex wife. He has a wife and is legally very married. Best advice is to find an unattached man.
First off, I think that
First off, I think that perhaps you need to let the dust settle alittle before even attempting this relationship, personnally.
Long distance relationships seldom ever last to begin with, and it does sound like things are not finished. I hate to say, but when a person jumps right into another relationship, it's usually on a rebound, a feel good courtship, rather than a lasting solid affair. So, please so do look at your feelings deeply and consider why you are in a relationship with this man in the first place. This sounds alittle strange, but really make yourself an inventory of this relationship. List the pros/cons and really weigh your options. If you are struggling now with this, you'll never be happy.
I'm so sorry that you have come here for guidence, and yet all we seem to be giving you is negative feedback. But, take a look at it from a strangers point of view and disconnect your emotions for a moment. We all mean the best for you, not to degrade you.
Run as fast you can in the opposite direction!
I applaud this man for at least being up front and honest with you on how he intends to handle things, BUT what woman would want to be with a man that continues to have a pseudo-marriage for the "sake" of his daughter? That's BS in my opinion and no self-respecting person would be OK with this situation. If you are having issues dealing with this now, it will not get better, only worse. For your own sanity and happiness, please realize this is not a healthy relationship.
Good luck!
update
thank you all for your replies... i just told him that things do change in certain situations. and that maybe he can't handle both. he agreed to it and said maybe he really can't handle both but and the same time begging for me to be more patient and he'll make up to it. i don't know how he can make up for my self-respect that's as low as the floor. i've been ignoring him for 3 days now. i think i'm doing a good job.
It doesn't have to be
It doesn't have to be permanent, you know. Maybe just the two of you separating until he's in a better place might help him get to that better place quicker.
~ Anne ~
Maybe
Just maybe.. If he relises things need to change but cannot handle both but yet wants both.. Maybe by you being a little cold it just might do the trick.. I think him being separated only is hard for anyone. Cuz legally he is still married to her...
*** everyday you need to look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a beautiful person inside and out. That you are worth so much.. Every chance you get tell yourself how pretty you are and how great you are feeling.. Your self esteem will improve.. Trust me..
****I was told once.. I am 31 have given birth to two beautiful children.. But in doing so I have stretch marks like everywhere. I hate them with a passion.. I am not a big person by any means but for some reason my daughter (1st pregnancy) just did a number on me.. I was so self consious of them and just was embarrased until my sister said to me one day when we were talking that men do not look at those the way we do.. Hard to belive right... But its true.. MY little breast are like torpedo's when over the tub.. They are not big to begin with so, and then when I lay down they are "Pitty Titties".. My point is that it took a lot of me telling myself I am pretty to get over that.. And my husband cannot keep his hands off me with my pitty titties and my stretch marks he still thinks I am beautiful and lust for me.. So give yourself some compliments.. And it would not be a bad thing for him to do for you either..
Peace and happiness to you..
HAPPY
I'm in a very similar
I'm in a very similar situation- and after all I've been through, if I end up dating again, I will only date someone who is completely divorced or never had been married. Separated is not good enough.
There are situations where foreign people in the US cannot get divorced so quickly because of greencard, etc....issues like that are supposedly why mine is still legally married.
But I can never be sure that he is actually going to get divorced when he gets the green card and no matter how involved I get(to the point where I'm living with him, taking care of his house and kids, sharing his bed) I STILL feel like a thing on the side, and it isn't going to change.
So don't do it.
That's why...
I don't date men who are seperated. If the divorce is final I'll go out with them, but not until the divorce is final. In this situation I would tell him to get his life straight & then we could start seeing each other again.
Kudos to him for being able to be honest with you though.
i agree with lace lady
tell him that when he gets divorced to give you a call.