Caught myself enjoying time with SD
Yep, it was the last hurrah for SD before we released her to The Krackin this weekend. We packed a lot in the last 4 days. She is almost 13 and I made her watch 13 Going On 30 with me and DH. I love that movie so much. She is in the awkward not quite teen not quite kid stage so somethings she rolls eyes other things she begrudgingly admits she likes.
We have a pretty good relationship. BUT ...Steptalk has taught me so much. I caught myself feeling real connected to her and enjoying our time even more than normal. I immediatley thought of you Clove and tried to back off a bit. The last day I took lots of pics of her and DH and just kind of hung back left her to her own devices while traveling.
I sometimes really hate the dynamic Step life forces us to deal with.
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There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with enjoying your time with your SD or making a connection. Just don't get overly involved in the parenting aspect, as that is not your responsibility and can bite you in the ass.
Agreed.
Agreed.
I read Clove's posts and I see a lot of myself there, with the trips and purchases. It scares me to think when SD flips on me (when, not if) how much that will hurt.
I don't really do any parenting other than helping with scheduling for Summer activities and reminders to DH about school stuff. We are long distance so a bit of a different dynamic too.
I understand but you can't
I understand but you can't live your life that way, not enjoy certain things because you may get hurt later.
I used to do and buy for my SD30. I even bought her a bunch of stuff to re-decorate her room at BM's house, where she primarily lived. When she hurt me (she was 15, I have been in her life since she was 5), what I had done and bought for her in the past didn't even enter my mind, nor did I regret the times I spent with her doing our nails, taking her places, or whatever.
When she "flips" on you, it's going to hurt. Period.
Now, after SD had her meltdown, I did stop doing so much for her (partly because she basically stopped coming over). I care about what happens to her, I will listen to her if she wants to talk, even give her advice if she wants it, but I am not emotionally invested in her, anymore. But I don't regret the good times we had when she was younger (and I know she doesn't, either).
This.
This.
OP, issues come into play when you overcompensate for a parent, force a relationship with your SK when you don't really want it, and/or you don't have the emotional maturity to handle rejection. Steplife doesn't have to be icing out the SKs and forming arm's length relationships with them. You can genuinely enjoy their time and genuinely form relationships with them. You just have to be mindful that like any relationship with any person it will have ups and downs and can end at any time.
I know you are right. I am a
I know you are right. I am a guarded person by nature, mix that with Step life dyanmics and I'm going to protect my heart the only way I know how. Little bit of a buffer zone.
Just don't let guarded become
Just don't let guarded become jaded. You may end up losing a great relationship because of other people's experiences versus your own.
Every person you meet could
Every person you meet could break your heart. To care is to put yourself out there.. period.. and anyone.. family.. bio non-bio friend spouse/partner.. could all turn on you.. or be using you etc...
I kind of feel that in steplife.. you give what you want and accept that the kids will have some level of allegience to their bio parents.. it's natural.. but that doesn't mean that you have to resign yourself to the child turning on you. Clove's situation was quite different than most and what got her mostly in trouble was trying to 'do" and "parent" the child and when the teen chaffed at her "interference".. she was an easy target to blame things on..
I am still quite close with my YSD who is 24. She just called me today to ask my advice and invite me on a trip she was planning. (can't go but the offer was there). Now, she is also getting married next year.. and i won't be the "motb".. and will likely be more around the edges. I am secure enough in my relationship with her that I don't need a corsage to know she cares about me and our relationship.. and her mom is difficult.. and she knows and will admit it.. but I would rather sit quietly beside my DH and not be a big part of the wedding party and let my YSD have a wonderful and relatively stress free wedding.
Don't get me wrong.. I have had my frustrations with her.. like I think most parents have with their own kids.. but in steplife it is a little different.. but our relationship is good.. and not all kids turn their backs on people
That you can have that
That you can have that positive dynamic speaks highly of you.... and at least periodically speaks highly of SD.
I was fortunate to have a great relationship with ny son. I never once got the "your not my dad" crap through we did have a few incidents of "(SPermGrandHag) says your are not my dad....."
He did survive to adulthood, but only because either his mom or I was willing to give him one more day when the other of us was ready to do him in. Like most kids at various phases of childhood.