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Advice please!

Help me pls's picture

Hi there, I'm new on here and really need some help. Please bear with me while I explain the situation. I've been with my partner for just over a year. I'm 39 and my partner is 50.  He has 3 kids from his previous 20 year marriage, 12,14,16 years old. 

He still speaks to BM regularly, almost every day, and it bothers me. Yes I check his phone at any opportunity as it's the only way I can know. And that's frustrating in itself. Kids come over everyday and long story short, they are very nasty to me. BM doesn't leave him alone and is always asking for something like shopping or calling about something. He doesn't often take her calls in front of me and they contact each other when he is at work so I don't know what is said etc. but sometimes it's multiple times a day for a few minutes here or there. When he does kids pick ups and drop offs everyday he goes inside her house, and it bothers me. There's so much I keep bottled up but I can't tell him, he makes it out like I'm going on about nothing (eg "so what, we are divorced", or "it's for the kids" etc so I just stopped saying anything. 

I hate it when the kids come round, it's so awkward. I feel so left out. And kind of jealous. And annoyed. And they give me stares and swear at me when he isn't looking. He organises with her when they come round or just goes to get them, doesn't ask me. Sometimes it's like he's still married to her even though they are divorced. Kids are always wanting to cuddle him and hold his hand on purpose when I am around even though they are almost adults! They say spiteful things to me and I've had enough. 

He doesn't want more kids, and I don't have any. Seeing him with his kids makes me want one with him and I love kids, always wanted a family as I have none. Last time we spoke about it, he reacted badly and now I don't know how to talk to him about that. I was afraid of losing him so I said it's ok we won't have kids but I didn't mean it, I didn't realise at the time. I can't really talk to him about any of the big stuff...kids, BM, my feelings etc, he just either gets upset or angry and defensive and I'm afraid he won't want to be with me anymore and I love him so much. BM will take him back 100%, that's clear.

I don't know what to do here. I wish I had never got involved with a man with kids. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. And BM issues. 

He is supportive when kids play up, and sometimes doesn't answer the phone when BM keeps calling. But kids don't stop their behaviour and BM will call or he will call her when he's at work anyway. With this lockdown, he's doing all her weekly shopping and kids are here all the time. It's so hard and that's putting it lightly. Sometimes I lock myself in our room and cry in the corner. 

I know he loves me and he's left everything to be with me. He has major dad guilt too, and BM plays on that. I've become so withdrawn sometimes, to the point that some days I feel so alone and depressed. He has lots going on with family, kids, work, friends. And all I have going on is work really. I don't have many friends and no family so I'm all alone. 
 

I'd really appreciate some advice here. Thank you!

 

 

 

Comments

SteppingOut_2020's picture

I could have written your exact same story to 99.95% just a few months ago.  I finally found my worth and value and realized I wasn't going to put up with being in last place of my SO's life so I left.   I will tell you that it will not change...there is nothing that you will be able to do or say to get him to realize that he is the problem so you have a big decision to make.

Yes its very hard to leave and move on, but 1) you are not being valued as a partner now, 2) if his kids dont accept you now, they likely never will and do you really want family events like holidays and such to be that awkward forever? and 3) if you want a family and that is important to you then you need to find someone that can provide it to you.

I know its hard now, but just imagine what your life can look like with someone that loves you more than you can imagine, can give you the family that you want and that you can make new friends with.   Please trust me, I still do miss my ex and wish things could have been better but at some point you need to evaluate your life, your importance and what you want and expect in a relationship and move on if the one that you are currently with is not willing or is not capable of providing that to you.  Life is too short!

Help me pls's picture

Thank you for your post, I really appreciate it. You're right, life is too short and I wish things could be different. It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do and what you listed as things I could possibly have, it makes me excited about life again. But what if grass is greener on the other side, and I let go of something that has great moments? I'm almost 40, most of the guys I will meet will have some sort of baggage won't they? 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Everyone has baggage but not like this guy's. He does more for his ex wife than a lot of guys who are still married. That is so not normal. 

tog redux's picture

Welcome.

When you say he "left everything to be with you", does that mean you were his affair partner? If so, you can't expect this to settle down any time soon.

Help me pls's picture

As ashamed as I am to say, yes I am his affair partner. He told her after much suspicion a few months after we got together, and after much deliberation about who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, he chose me. She was ready to have him back. And she still will have him back. She doesn't hate him for what he's done. Anyway we now live together and the divorce was finalised 2 months ago. 
I don't ask him anything about anything, he just gets really protective and defensive and I don't know what to do.

unhappy_step's picture

ah, the other woman. when my ex cheated on me with HER, he still came around all the time and eventually, he cheated on HER with me. he was confused. i was young and i missed him and because of what she did to our relationship, it felt like payback. so, watch your back.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, this is a tough one.  These kids might always hate you, depending on how BM feels about the whole situation (which can't be good right now, and her bitterness might last a lifetime - not that it's right, but some people hold onto anger about infidelity forever),

Also, affairs are so different than what a man is like in real life - and now you are finding out what he's really like.

Kes's picture

This is no life for you.  If you were this man's affair, and the reason he left BM, your life is going to be hell for ages.  Even if you weren't, he is tossing you a few crumbs, remaining enmeshed with his ex, and putting you a very poor second to both ex and kids.  Not even allowing you to discuss having your own child, which many women approaching 40 might want to do in pretty short order.   You should not have to put up with the SKIDs verbally and non verbally abusing you, when his back is turned.  You should tell him, and he should sort it out with his kids.  But he probably won't, and you should probably cut your losses and leave. 

Help me pls's picture

He tells his kids off lightly in front of me, then it's like nothing happened. He's so afraid of losing them or them not wanting to talk/see him that be accommodates the way they treat me. And in some ways I can understand that. Last time I tried to talk about it he said "you can understand why they behave like that can't you". You're right, in some ways he's tossing me a few crumbs. I don't get why he has to speak to her everyday. If he doesn't answer his phone she sends him messages about me not letting him answer and how I'm controlling him etc. But then he'll phone her himself the next day when I'm not around. He doesn't spend a lot of time with his kid's, he's either at work or with me, so that's something isn't it? 

Winterglow's picture

How can you love someone who completely disregards your feelings? Who won't listen to your concerns? Who gaslights the hell out of you? Are you sure you love him or are you in love with the idea of what you wish he were? 

He's treating you as if you were a bit on the side who comes over to his place from time to time rather than a full-time partner. He's putting you after his ex-wife (!) and his kids. How does it feel to be at the bottom of the list? 

How do you picture your life ten years down the line? Still hiding away when the kids come over? Or worse, supposing he moves them in? Will you be resentful of not having a child of  your own? NOW is the time to decide. If he won't entertain your concerns then it's time you started planning for your future, whatever you may choose that to be.

You only live once and life is too short to throw it away on someone who likes having you around but who won't compromise and who imposes all his own choices while ignoring all of your requests... 

Disneyfan's picture

Two things jump out here.  Alluding to a possible affair and the possibility of a reconciliation.

This will not end well for you.  IF this man left his family to be with you,his kids will not respect you.

He may be with you simply because BM found out about the affair and tossed his butt out.  He  may interact with her as much as he does because he is hoping  she will take him back. 

 You say that you  know that BM will take him back.  So it seems that they both may want to work on their issues and get back together.

Help me pls's picture

I agree, that's why kids hate me. So when she found out about the affair she wasn't angry and still wanted to be with him. He had a choice. Since all those issues between us have passed (one minute he wanted to be with me, the next he couldn't do it to his kids etc etc) they are now divorced, he chose me. But we are living where he wants to live so he can see his kids. He chooses what we do and when we do it. I wish I had more of my own stuff going on sometimes so that I could get stronger and decide what to do. When it's just me and him it's great.

Steppedonnomore's picture

I'll suggest that you find a counsellor and try to understand why you are so in love with someone who has little to no consideration for you.  You want kids, he's told you he doesn't want anymore. You wrote, " I can't really talk to him about any of the big stuff...kids, BM, my feelings etc, he just either gets upset or angry and defensive."  That is not how a man who loves and cherishes you reacts to important conversations.  You deserve better!  

 

Help me pls's picture

Thank you, I think this myself sometimes. I crave deep conversation and want to know things about our future but he just gets in a mood all the time and it's annoying. From one day to the next I never know what mood he's going to be in. 

Steppedonnomore's picture

I know of no way to say this gently but, it seems to me that he may be starting to regret choosing you.  Again, I say, you deserve better.

hereiam's picture

This is what's called "having ones cake and eating it, too". He hasn't really given up everything to be with you, now has he? You are living where HE wants to live, doing what HE wants to do. He is still enmeshed with BM, his kids still come over everyday, and he lets them disrespect you. He calls all of the shots.

You are basically still the mistress.

Help me pls's picture

Yes, I suppose that is true. I have revolved my whole world around him and he doesn't give me the time or attention I want and need. It's like he's living 2 lives. I'm so lost.

CLove's picture

This will not end well - it was dead in the water before it even began. When you begin a relationship with someone dishonestly (no judgment thats not the point here...) it is flawed from its inception. It is begun on shaky ground. It is weak, not strong, built on lies and deception. Affairs that end up in relationships, when there are children involved especially, cannot be made clean and whole again. Love is not enough.

As other have said and you made comments of, you are still his "side-peice" and his main wife is still the ex, the mother of his 3 children. The children will never forgive you. Ex is not mad, because she still has "her man". She is definitely disordered. He is MAJORLY disordered. Forget about not being his priority, forget about him putting you and your life together last, he is too disordered, this whole relationship is too disordered to be at all healthy for you.

Get your ducks in a row financially. Let the ex have her man back, get out before you waste anymore time with this narcissistic POS. He betrayed his family and you will ALWAYS be last. He is not worth it. Time to move out and move onward.

Kes's picture

She did not begin a relationship dishonestly - her man did. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Other than possible feelings of guilt because this man left his marriage for you. What are you getting out of this relationship? You are insecure,  with good reason. You dont like his children,  and they will probably never like you. You want a child of your own, which he is not going to give you. If you rock the boat too har and he doesnt want to deal with it, he has the option to go back to his wife. 

Willow2010's picture

The kids will NEVER like you or respect you.  NEVER.  

To address your DHs demeanor.  Despite what you have heard, read or been told...(even if by BM) I would bet money that DH actually asked BM to stay with him and she said NO.  I bet he has asked her to get back together many times over the last year and she said no.  JMHO.  

Find a single man.  

 

donewithdrama35's picture

I was in your situation 8 years ago- and some of the things you wrote we're the same or similar to what I dealt with. I was 26 and he was 38- 3 kids 10 (g),12 (b),15(b). There is so much judgment that it's hard to admit when you got together due to an affair. But each situation is very unique and sometimes you just fall in love with someone you shouldn't- I met my DH by complete chance, not sure on your scenario.

BM made sure the kids knew all the details about what their DH did and really screw them up for life. The boys were pretty cordial with me from the beginning because they weren't close with their Mother (a lot of issues with her growing up) and soon enough his Daughter would see the same things they did. If the marriage didn't work out it wasn't JUST because of your affair. I believe there has to be many other things wrong to lead to the affair and especially to go through with a divorce- esp since she didn't want it.

I don't like that he's talking to her multiple times a day and when he's not around you. I told DH that was sketchy when he did that and that anything they were discussing should be able to be discussed with me around. Not that I needed to be in the same room. I'm sure he thinks he's doing it not to upset you but it's only making the suspicions of what they're talking about grow.

I used to check the phone as well- STOP. You will drive yourself insane. I did that for years in the beginning. I do believe a big negative in starting a relationship having an affair is that there will always be some trust issues. My DH's BM would intentionally send texts that would piss me off... being all sweet and friendly. She also wanted him back- or at least wanted to mess with me. Can't blame her- she was hell bent on revenge. But you have to make the decision to trust him or leave him.

I have no kids of my own either. You are probably always going to feel that resentment or longing to have that with him especially since his own kids are awful to you. That will just make you want that more. It's a HUGE thing to give up. I never liked or wanted kids- I was OK since his were older. I only ever questioned wanting a child until I felt the jealousy of him having that with his ex and feeling like an outsider.

My DH worked really hard to encourage a relationship with his daughter and she and I eventually got better (despite my recent blogs- LOL). We were really close for awhile and believe me- this kid HATED me. But we did some fun family outing type stuff and eventually she gave in. Now she's just an annoying teenage girl with a chip on her shoulder- but our relationship is OK. We are not close but part of that is because I have chosen to disengage from her after some things she did to really upset me. But it's manageable. The boys are 19 and 23- we get along very well now. The oldest gives hugs and says he loves me.

I share all this with you because this started 8 years ago for me. I thought my situation was HOPELESS. I thought those kids would NEVER accept me. But 4 years ago we moved in together and 2 years ago we got married. Things are much better all around. BM doesn't bother him anymore (knock on wood) and I finally feel like we have our own life.

Maybe you could too... but DH is going to have to stand up to these kids and minimally they need to be respectful while they are at your home. I don't envy the place you are in. If I had to do it all over again- UGH- I would but good God I wouldn't want to. LOL. Make sure he's worth it.. it's not going to be an easy road if you stay.
HUGS~~~

Merry's picture

You say that you are afraid of losing him. Ask yourself WHY that is.

How long did you date after his divorce? Was it enough time to get to know him as a real, whole person? Living as a secret girlfriend is no fun in many ways, but when you were with him then there wasn't the pressure of normal life such as kids, exwife, household bills and laundry. There is a reason affair partners rarely make the successful transition to married partners. Not saying never, but it's rare.

Find a good therapist to figure out what what's going on with you. Why the affair in the first place (and I'm not judging)? Why hang on to a relationshp that you're not really an equal part of, with a guy you can't even talk to?

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Regardless of whether being his affair partner was right or wrong, you are paying for it and will continue to pay if you stay with him. The fact that he "chose you" will be held over your head and used to justify all kinds of bad behavior from DH, BM, and skids. It already is. Nobody should put up with what you do. 
 

IMO your best bet is to take this experience as a lesson. Value yourself and don't accept scraps from an unavailable man or disrespect from kids in the future.

Help me pls's picture

Thank you all for your advice here. Current situation is that I am still with him. He has told me that 1) he definitely doesn't want more kids, he's too old and doesn't think he can cope 2) he won't stop talking to his ex wife. They talk frequently and she calls him often, not when I am around though, and it bothers me. He not shy to tell her things like what we did for Xmas, if we are going out then where we are going, how he is and how his work is etc and isn't afraid to share things with her. It seems she has a new man but this isn't stopping her from continuously contacting mine. 
Anyway I approached him about my feelings but he dismissed them basically. Got all defensive and angry and moody. He said he has children with her so he needs to speak to her, and it's nothing, there's nothing to it. He assures me he loves me and there's nothing in it and it's just not a big deal that they talk. But it just bothers me. He reassures me that all that with her is long finished, feelings and all. It's all about the kids. I've broken down multiple times to him about this but he is adamant that he is not going to change the situation, saying it's not a big deal. But it is to me. What do I do? 
P.S kids are still nasty to me.