Freudian slip during fight. Is DH feeling regret?
When DH's friends and family visit, I pull out the red carpet. DH moved from a 2star existence with BM to 5star living when we committed. We live by the beach and have plenty of extra bedrooms so we often have friends and family visit for days. I work from home and it is double-duty to juggle work with hostessing. DH plays poolside host while I do the hostess hustle. We like sharing our "good life" with others and I think it boosts DH's ego, but it gets under my skin when I feel taken for granted. (The house and its trappings are mine and in trust to BD. DH made an average living and BM ruined him financially.)
We just had a couple of DH's siblings and their spouses visit. The morning after they left, DH decided to go fishing. When he fishes, he leaves very early in the am and is then shot for the rest of the day. A fight ensued. I feel that I have always done the preparation and accommodating when it came to his family and friends. (I have 1 brother. DH has 11 siblings.) DH can be self-absorbed and I needed a break and some attention. I was frustrated and felt taken for granted so I spouted, “Sometime do you think I could come before YOUR needs, YOUR problems or YOUR family's needs? Stop being selfish!”
DH's response to this was, ”I always put you first. I picked you over SD didn't I?” <<<<<drumrolllll>>>>> My head spun around exorcist style and I lashed back, “Are you inferring that I made you choose? That's complete bullshit! How about the fact that SD treats you like a personal slave and ATM and BM emotionally abused you for decades? Ya think maybe that's the reason you couldn't take it anymore?"
Gaslighting hits a raw nerve so I made it clear to DH that I am not the cause for his disengagement and that he should NEVER EVER point the finger at me for forcing a choice. “Don't you dare blame me for something that was in the making for years before I entered your life. YOU and BM raised a narcissistic, entitled asshole. BD, who was raised in an affluent environment yet had her first job at 14, is respectful and kind whereas SD who never had to work (because she was in dance with BM playing dance mom) acts entitled and lives in a princess fantasy. YOU are the one who created the monster because you could not lay down boundaries and allowed her to think she was the top of the food chain. YOU made the choice to disengage because you finally accepted she was toxic and wasn't going to change.” DH apologized for what he said stating, “that came out wrong.”
Here's what I cannot get off my mind. I can't help but think it was a Freudian slip. I did not force him to choose. I made a personal choice to stop feeding the wolves and left him to it.
Just wondering if others had their partners throw disengagement back in their face during emotionally charged situations? I never made it about “pick SD or me.” Rather, it was BM and SD continually playing their manipulative games trying to force DH's hand and create a rift between us. DH is in therapy right now because of the trauma patterns these two women have left him with.
Do you think that somewhere in his head, DH is remorseful about his choice? I know I would feel horrible if my BD and I were disengaged then estranged. However, BD is nothing like SD and has always been respectful, loving and honest towards DH. She calls us, "her parents." I cannot help but wonder if DH is going to subconsciously feel that I am to blame. I am holding steadfast to disengagement from SD for my own mental health. I have stopped pretending that I even remotely like or respect her as a person. She really is an asshole. Other family members (DH's siblings who have known BM and SD for many years) have confirmed BM and SD are manipulative and they've had their own negative experiences with them. DH hopes SD will go to therapy. I've told him several times that narcissists rarely admit they are the problem, let alone work to repair the damage they've done to others.