He wants to live with BM
Not a shock. DH has seen it coming.
So, SS11 is on BM's health insurance, so she lets DH know his half every quarter. She hasn't billed him in more than a year, despite DH asking. Today he talked to her and pushed her. She finally admitted SS has said he wants to live with her and they've been working on it. She's been holding off on billing him in case SS lives with her.
I just learned about it today but, as I said, not a surprise. SS has had more attitude lately. DH tells him to do something or asks him to do something and he responds with a blank stare -- then doesn't do whatever it was.
DH is fed up and on the verge of saying good riddance. Apparently, we're strict and make him do things. We make him help with dishes, put his laundry away and clean his room before he goes to his mom's. We're obviously slave drivers. And we don't buy him endless gifts from Amazon or constantly take him out for snacks or to the trampoline park or skating rink every other day.
Whatever. It's all maddening. BM and her parents are "raising" a spoiled, immature man child. Because we expect him to clean his room, keep up with school work, and don't buy him stuff every week, we're horrible.
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11 year olds don't get to pick where they live.
11 year olds don't get to pick where they live. Generally speaking, a court is not going to approve a change unless BM can provide a better reason than SS wants to live with her.
Most custody orders have a date by which medical bills must be given to other parent for payment. If she has waited too long, DH is under no obligation to pay the bill.
I understand your DH is frustrated with his kid, but he shouldn't give up on an 11 year old - that is too young.
I agree. And I don't think he
I agree. And I don't think he would. I think he's speaking out of frustration. I get it. Dealing with a spoiled, entitled kid who obviously doesn't want to be with you isn't easy. Her house is Disney World. He's lord of the manor. What kid wouldn't love that?
No clue on what their custody order says about the insurance. I'll ask when/if that comes up again.
Until SS has so much power that BM
Can't control him. Then she will want to dumb SS on you. Because she can't handle him
Pretty much. DH said he knows
Pretty much. DH said he knows at some point she'll want to hand him over or he'll get upset with her over something and want to live with us. He said he would shrug and say "yeah, no. Sorry." We'll see what actually happens.
It's crazy making. You either
It's crazy making. You either fight BM in court, spending thousands and still somehow have to physically drag the kid to yours if you win. Or you don't fight, still have to drag him. It's a no win. As I've related to you before, been through it.
DH cannot just give up though. He needs to tell BM no, that an 11 yo doesn't get to make adult choices. The 11 yo needs to have a talk with DH about how he's not always #1 and different rules for different places. If it truly comes down to dragging him to a car for DHs time, then DH needs to set some standards for communication. Talk dates, texts, etc. Meet outside the home. Expectations for holidays. If he refuses to interact at all what about gifts and money? It gets complicated but you and FH need to discuss it and come up with a plan about how DH is going to handle it. Remember you can support DH but all interaction must come from him.
And another thing: Early this
And another thing: Early this year, SS announced he's transgender. Well, DH and I don't believe he really is. After talking to him (mostly just listening), his explanations and answers combined with everything else we've seen over the years make us think there's some confusion going on.
Our approach was to be open and interested, be supportive, but not go too far down the road without trustworthy guidance. BM immediately started buying him more feminine clothes, etc. DH had to be the bad guy by telling her that, no, he didn't think it was a good idea to send SS to school in a dress without at least giving the school a heads up. He also said no to ear piercing (but that was solely due to SS's immaturity and irresponsibility, not gender conformity.)
DH and BM agreed to talk and come up with guidelines they both agreed on and to each find a therapist or two to vet. DH found his right away. He's asked her six times for her suggestions. No response. So, either she no longer thinks it's important or she's just taking it all into her hands.
Your DH needs to start
Your DH needs to start documenting EVERYTHING and make sure all communication with BM is in written form.
He also could start therapy with his son. He needs to demonstrate that he is an involved, committed parent.
Good point on the
Good point on the documentation. Most of their conversations are through text, which DH saves.
Next time we talk about it all, I'll ask what he thinks about doing therapy without her. My guess is he'll hesitate. Knowing her, it could cause a major explosion. Despite very different parenting philosophies and this latest bombshell, they've usuall cooperated and communicated well.
DH did one therapy session,
DH did one therapy session, with a locally well-known and respected family therapist he used before during their divorce, BM joined him. The therapist was surprised I wasn't there (#1 HELL NO) but DH said the session went well even though BM was talking more about YSD (not PASd) than OSD then 14. The next step, all agreed, was that OSD go to the therapist herself. Then the third meeting would be all three. DH offered to foot the entire bill for all this.
Not ONCE was BM "able" to get OSD to agree to go. Exuse after excuse. DH even asked me, "Well how do you get her in the car?" OMG - just stunning lack of parenting and authority as parents at all. At 14 - get your rear end in the car NOW or no more x, y, or z. But my question is did BM really, really try?