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Everything is getting worse and I feel helpless.

Happyhippos242's picture

Submitted by Happyhippos242 on Fri, 05/24/2013 - 9:40am

I haven't been on this site it a couple years. I eventually got fed up with the drama with FH, the ex wife and the almost SS so I just stuck my head in the sand and stopped paying any attention to it. I felt like things were better for a while. But now things are so much worse than they were when SS was 12 (hes 15 now) and I feel like I'm being completely irresponsible for ignoring whats happening.

Its been brought to my attention recently that SS will not be passing through freshman year of HS. He is now openly smoking cigarrettes at home and at our house. He is now smoking pot regularly and sharing this info at school, on facebook, etc. He has been accused of stealing money from his mom, his moms boyfriend and now (in confidence) I've been told that money went missing at my home, taken from a family member when SS was there. I am very concerned about how withdrawn SS is, the stealing and the drug use. I'm very sure that when he turns 16 next yr that he will drop out of school. I'm not sure how much worse it will get but I know that this isn't the end of it.

I am completely DISGUSTED with the guilty parent BS I see from FH is regards to all of it. FH and his Ex can't work as a team to address it. SS lives with his mom and she gets the brunt of the behavior but has NO CONTROL over anything that happens in her household. In the past she'd yell and scream nut that doesn't get through to anyone so she started hitting/slapping. Now her son is bigger than her and hit her back about a year ago - now he acts like an adult coming and going as he pleases, dissapearing for days at a time. He has no respect for his mother. FH completely disengaged from the DRAMA at the ex's home BUT I don't think its fair to not address the school/drug/stealing issues because they aren't "technically" happening at OUR home. (Up till now there has been NO issue at our house on the weekends - but now I alone have been told about missing money) Now that things have escalated and I have found out all of these details I am sooooo concerned about SS and what is going to happen to him if his parents can't pull together and get him the help he needs. I don't want him to end up a HS drop out drug addict!!!!

I'm releived to be able to vent hear. I'm so conflicted as to whether I should bother getting involved. I have a wonderful relationship with FH and have a OK relationship with his son ( we can talk and joke around but nothing too personal or serious...but he likes me and I'm ok with that). I worry that getting involved in any way will make me feel miserable and worried all the time, like before I disengaged from it a couple years ago. But how do I stand here and watch a boy with his whole life ahead of him throw it all away while his PARENTS aren't getting involved?? I feel like YELLING and SCREAMING at my FH for being the guilty "freind" Dad instead of a tough love Dad that he NEEDS to be NOW. It makes me feel sick to me stomach that I'm at work on a Friday before a long weeked filled with tension and dread instead of excitement. I don't want to be an ostrich but....

Comments

Happyhippos242's picture

Submitted by Happyhippos242 on Fri, 05/24/2013 - 10:54am

This is exactly what I need this site for... to remind me that I am not HEARTLESS if I dont't act because he isnt' MY kid and Isn't my problem. I need to read it over and over again.

Happyhippos242's picture

Submitted by Happyhippos242 on Fri, 05/24/2013 - 10:59am

Thanks for your suggestion but I am not able to go to his school and it is defintly not my place to impose consequnces when his parents do not. I'm sure taking it upon myself to confront SS would not only scar my relationship with him it would damage my relationship with FH.

I think the best thing I can do is vent here and only here to people who relate and continue to ignore (or pretend to) the problems and wait for SS butt to be thrown in rehab or jail. Sad

3familiesIn1's picture

Submitted by 3familiesIn1 on Fri, 05/24/2013 - 10:45am

Call the police and perhaps he will get the help he needs, let them catch him in the act and be charged, figure out when and where he will be doing illegal things and let them take care of it while keeping your hands clean. Maybe it will be a wake up call for SS or his parents or something.

Happyhippos242's picture

Submitted by Happyhippos242 on Fri, 05/24/2013 - 11:03am

As much as I would love to do this I don't think I could follow through. Unless FH was involved I couldn't betray his trust that way. I don't want to do anything behind his back. I appreciate the suggestion though.

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Fri, 05/24/2013 - 12:26pm

But what happens if he gets caught doing this stuff? ILLEGAL DRUGS CAN AND DO AFFECT YOU AS WELL. Your entire household can be culpable for a minor breaking the law.

Do you have kids? Want CPS knocking at your door?

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Fri, 05/24/2013 - 11:10am

i'm in your same position. maybe not engage, but definitely be pro-active in protecting your home and your assets. juvie, re-hab, going to court all costs money. i've made my dh promise to not spend $$ bailing his son out. he's agreed, but i can see it happening. if he does, this marriage is over. i'm already going to have to watch my dh flit from attorneys, court, jails, meetings, etc... all this DOES affect my life. all i can do is pull the trigger when i can't take anymore.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Fri, 05/24/2013 - 1:08pm

You can't correct their bad parenting and it is not your responsibility. If you weigh in at this point all that will happen is that you will spoil the fairly easy going no drama relationship you have with SS, and probably cause friction and problems between you and your FH.

I know exactly how you feel in terms of guilt for standing by and watching the train wreck happen, because I did it with SD. The difference is that I had previously engaged in a big way with SD in an effort to combat her self destructive behaviour. From personal experience I can tell you that it didn't work. If the parents aren't going to deal with the behaviour effectively and consistently then even the most dedicated stepparent stands little to no chance of being able to turn things around. Particularly if the behaviour is actually rooted in issues the child has with one or both parents. The best thing you can do is carry on with what you've been doing, and be careful about leaving cash lying around and having SS around your family.