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NSMR...but am I the @sshole here..its my mother

halo1998's picture parents live about an hour away from me out in the middle of BFE...I'm mean they live out in an area where they are surrounded by corn fields.   They moved to this midwest state from the great city of Wind on the lake.  When they moved there they wanted land...glorious land.  I tried to tell them..yea living out in the boonies is fun for about 5 minutes...until you have to have your gas trucked in and drive 30+ minutes to get ANYTHING.  I had BTDT while living in another corn filled midwestern state. Not again...but of course they didn't listen and now live 30+ minutes from civilization.

My parents do not get Dad is difficult and my mom is a slob.  Oh mom text messages me a lot about how much Dad is d*ck..blah, blah, blah....  Ok I get it but he is my Dad wth do you want me to say...sheesh.  I try to be supportive but really what am I to say.  Yesterday she wanted me to stop working and drive one hour each way to move a chair for her because my Dad was bitching about where it was.  Yea...I declined that one on the basis that I need to keep my job and chair moving is most definately not an emergency.

My sister gray rocks my parents like she is f*cking Mount Everest.   She cannot spend more than about an hour with them tops.

Today my mother was texting my sister on her day off, who is a veternarian and has been working 80 hour weeks, because my mothers cat is peeing in a corner.  My sister told her to put a litter box there and figure out which of the two is peeing.  Nope..not good enough for my mother....her next text to my sister was...well I will just put both cats asleep and that will be it.  My sister then tells her to take the cats to the vet and figure out what is wrong.  Again..wrong answer on my sisters part.  My responded back that she will just kill the plant that she thinks the cats are peeing in and was wondering how many sleeping pills she would need to take to kill herself.   At this point my sister is PISSED that my mother is being drama queen on her day off and sends me a message to deal with our mom.

Meanwhile, my mom sends me the same shit in text message and  I tell her the same thing my sister did.  Put a litter box there as maybe the old cat can't make it down to the basement anymore.  Nope...she won't because my Dad will be mad.  Ok...then take the cats to the vet.  Oh boy so not the right answer.  Next message was the cat, whichever one it is, is peeing in the corner with the big ass plant my parents have had for the last 30 years.   Can I come get the plant today? 

I answered no I am not coming to get the plant today...move the plant and put a litter box there and figure out what cat is peeing in the corner.  Nope...she is going to move the plant out the trash.  At this point...I was PISSED...and told her to just move the damn plant and be done.  I got a nevermind...and told her ok then.

Now mind you last weekend, I spent Saturday with her getting hair done and picking up the chair she wanted me to move on Friday.  Then on Sunday, I drove to my parents house dropped off the chair and stayed there for about 3 hours and then drove home.  Its not like I don't see her and I generally text message her or call her everyday.

The last straw was her posting on facebook that she found out who she could count one and who she couldn't.  Neither my sister or I responded to that one.  Talk about gaslighting. I the asshole for not running out there today to solve the great plant/cat peeing problem.  I don't think I am but then again my bullshit meter runs a little off since I was married to my ex, the village idiot.  

My Dh is now PISSED that mom has ruined yet another Saturday with her bullshit.  (She tends to do this more when DH and I here with no kids..cause you know I couldn't possibly want to spend time with my DH).


CajunMom's picture

You can't change her. So you will need to find ways to manage her "crazy." You can block her on those days you are alone with your DH...a temp block. You can just not open or respond to her crazy texts. Instead of responding with answers to her stuff, just say, Awe, I'm sorry. Or something similar depending on text. You can tell her you are extremely busy and will get back with her later. 

I'm more concerned about her bitching about your dad....that's so damn wrong to do that to your child. My kids' dad and I are divorced. NEVER did I speak an ill word of that man to my kids. I'm also remarried and VERY CAREFUL with what I share with them about my DH. We have had a lot of BS over the years with SK crap; while they know some of it, they don't know all and I do not bitch to them about DH. He is their bonus dad (I use that word because my side has blended perfectly). 

Best to you. While I hate reading stuff like this, I take it to heart to make sure I NEVER do this to my bio kids. Sending you a hug.

halo1998's picture

my opinion is just that mine and they need to form their own opinions etc.

I drives me nuts...I get he is cranky and difficult..but my mom is no walk in the park either.  She would like me to take a side and fix the situation.  Not gonna happen....not my problem to fix. 

I didn't ask them to fix my situation when I was my ex...nope I realized I was the only one that could fix it.

advice.only2's picture

Nope not the a$$hole, she is trying to find ways to get you to engage with her.  My mom does that same sh@t.

My mothers most recent one is that people other than her are getting the Covid vaccine...she's over 65 and believes she and my father should be first.  DH was fortunate to get the vaccine and she had a field day with that...going on and on and on bitching about how they are giving the vaccine away to those who don't need it.  I almost lost my sh@t on her like "you do realize we both work full time, we can't telework and can't shelter at home like you and my dad!" Instead I kept quiet.  Today she took to social media to bitch yet again about how "we" are getting our shots ahead of her...lord give me strength. 

halo1998's picture

right now her gripe is that the Y won't reserve the pool for seniors every day....uhm..yea no.  I get your old and stuff be geez other people want to use the pool as well. 

My mother would definately lose her shiznit if we got vaccine before she did..oy.

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Yes its annoying to deal with elderly parents but both of you seem to handle it strictly and put boundaries when u dont feel like dealing with it

Why is your husband pissed about you dealing with your elderly parents on a saturday? I wouldnt hesitate to shut his mouth up with replying that his kids ruin every fkin weekend and holiday possible along with his stupid BM

All these men are stupid and cant handle when their spouses decide to do shit for themselves or their relatives....its all about their little world of their kids and BMs, anything else is a disruption

I am so done with the shit

halo1998's picture

but he has a point that my mom is just seeking attention.  If she truely was in need of help for an emergency we would be there with no questions asked.  Moving a chair because you don't like where the snow is piling not an emergency especiallly since we DON'T HAVE ANY SNOW.  

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

I can understand that but its pretty uncalled for to blame them for "ruining weekends" when he has kids and a BM ruining every weekends for 18+ yrs

In any case, i hope u were able to work it out with your parents. Things can be tricky with old age and isolation/covid19 so some attention seeking behaviour can become heightened 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

She has 30 something yorkies.  her hobby and passion is dog shows.  She keeps giving dogs away to free to teen kids and then gets mad when these teens won't help her show the dogs cause she signs up for showings at the same times and then posts on facebook "When am I going to come first?"  Now she has roped my poor 16 year old daughter into dog show duty this weekend.  My poor daughter is miserable and should be studying for finals.  It's her first weekend off that she isn't doing lighting for theater or play practice and nope she can't go hang with her friends cause she fell for my mom's B.S.  I said "None of us have any interest or passion in yorkshire terriers.  We've been to a show here and there and that's all we are obligated to do.  We have our own lives and passions.  BOUNDARIES!!"   


strugglingSM's picture

Wow! You must have had a fun childhood. Your mom sounds desperate for attention. My MIL is similar, but doesn't threaten to kill herself. I'd take your sister's approach and start grey rocking her. I applaud you for keeping contact with her at all. DH's siblings keep MIL at arms' length, which only makes her more desperate for their attention, but she flatters them and caters to them to get it. DH on the other hand, was always her least favorite child, and always the one who would be around to help (perhaps because he was the least favorite and always told there was something wrong with him, he developed a people pleasing complex for people who treat him like crap, BM was just like MIL only worse). Then I came along and asked him why he put up with that kind of he's now grey rock with MIL about 75% of the time, more because he knows I will get annoyed if he agrees to things than actually taking a stand for himself. The other 25% of the time, he lets MIL steamroll his boundaries to feed her need for attention...and he and I end up fighting about it. 

Also, your parents sounds like a good advertisement for divorce. Did they stay together to "protect the children" or because misery loves company?

halo1998's picture

they weren't always like this.  It wasn't until they both retired that we got to this mess. I think its combination of 

1.  They moved the freaking BFE where this is nothing to do.  SMH...not how they thought that would play out.

2.  My mom thought they would travel all the time. Maybe they would have but my Dad become disabled about 20 years ago because of tumor on his spine.  Now he cannot walk very well.  He is also stubborn as mule and won't use a cane and has decided its to hard to travel.  In some aspects I get that..but that doesn't mean my mom can't travel.

3.  Neither of them have an hobbies.  My mom will quilt but only when she isn't upset because then she makes too many mistakes.  Uh ok..but then your stuck upstairs with my Dad who is getitng on your nerves.  Then they start to snipe at each other because there literally isn't anything else to do out there.



tog redux's picture

Your mom sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder, or traits at least. This is how it plays it out when they are older. They make their kids feel like garbage if they don't jump to meet their every need (or even if they do). Your sister has the right idea. If you even answer the text, give advice once and then ignore everything else she brings up.

Might even want to block her from texting and make her call so it doesn't disturb you and she doesn't expect an immediate reply (you can give her a special ring so you know not to answer or even look).

Oh and NTA.

halo1998's picture

My mom is the daugter of an alcoholic father and is mostly likely a food addict.  To be honest, my sister was always my mother's golden child.  I mean my sister can be the biggerst biotch to my mom and she will do whatever to get back into her good graces.  Meanwhile, I'm the child that takes care of them and sees them all the time, etc.  This has been a pattern from our childhood...oh look your sister is genius..oh look you sister got into *insert top notch science college in the midwest*..oh look you sister got her veternarian medicine degree.  Yada Yada yada...oh look Halo only got two bacholors..oh look Halo got divorced...etc

Right now she is in victim mode....oh wow is husband picks on me and no one has sympathy.  We are sympathetic but not about the try and fix that mess.  Not my mess to fix...and no matter what we (me or my sister) suggest she has some excuse.  If had to peg her..I would say she is the waif.

strugglingSM's picture

Having a golden child is also a hallmark of personality disordered individuals.

My MIL - who has narc tendencies - fawns all over DH's sister (it's kind of embarrassing to watch her so desperate for attention on the one week a year that his sister is in town, esp since his sister resists, only making MIL more desperate). She also brags about how wonder DH's brother is (example, it took him three years to install something and the moment he does - instant adoration. DH installs something immediately and is told he rarely does anything). DH is the one who she dismissed who was also the one always helping her. Dealing with another adult's dysfunction is exhausting, in my opinion.

IDontCare3117's picture

Your post gave me flashbacks.  My parents had a contentious marriage.  When they got along, things were great.  When they decided to go at each other, it was WWIII.  I was in my mid 20s when I was on a road trip with them.  We were going to my older sister's house for Thanksgiving - an 8 hour car ride.  My parents start sniping at each other, and getting nasty.  I was sitting in the backseat having to listen to all of it, and getting a headache.  Both of them tried to drag me into it - apparently I was supposed to agree with what each of them was saying about other.  I finally lost my stuffing and told them I agreed with BOTH of them.  I said, "Daddio, yes, you are stubborn as a barn mule.  Mom, yes, you are an uncompromising hag."

That shut them up for about 5 minutes.  Then they started complaining about me and how they had spoiled me growing up.  At least they weren't fussing at each other anymore.  

Gimlet's picture

Definitely NTA.

She sounds a bit like my MIL, although MIL isn't this intense about it.  My DH describes her as an "elderly child", and she and FIL bitch about each other constantly.  They are so co-dependent, but don't enjoy each other at all if that makes sense.  I keep my interactions with them brief and infrequent. 

I also think your sister has the right idea.  It sounds like she is looking for attention any way she can get it and she's over the top ridiculous about it.  I really don't undestand parents who want their children to be their counselors and friends.  Such a sense of entitlement. 

I like tog's suggestion of giving her specific alert sounds as well.  She won't like it when you start enforcing boundaries but if you follow your sister's lead, you can minimize the impact.

strugglingSM's picture

I'm going to have to use the term "elderly child" that is definitely my MIL...also reminds me of a friend's mother.

Olivia2020's picture

maybe make a call to have the police or sheriff (or law enforcement in the county) do a welfare check on your mom if she threatens to kill or hurt the cats or herself. Law enforcement might detect her crazy when they visit the house and have a stern talk with her about threatening such things or they might admit her for psych eval. The tremendous guilt, shame and anxiety she is causing you is not necessary. I had an unwell mother and when I set healthy boundaries with myself, only then I was able to not get upset because I wouldn't feel obligated or responsible for her crazy attention-seeking crap. I disengaged from her as much as possible and would refer her to my loser brother 'the golden child' as often as necessary. He lived 10 mninutes from her and never worked and I had a career, a child to raise and lived an 8 hour drive away but she wanted me to drop what I was doing to help her with stupid things. I made the drive two times only to be treated like crap so I learned my lesson. So glad I punted that stuff back to her golden child son. Most if not all of your moms stuff is not yours to own, sending you hugs.