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MA is on all time avoidant streak - UPDATED

halo1998's picture

update: MA went online and took a quiz to see if he is depressed. suprise it said he was mildly depressed.  (yea don't say....I thought the same).


I just need to get this out.....anywhere...

As we know SD is failing to launch and well  becoming a selfish little pita.  SMH...

Now....I believe part of this is due MA's avoidance over the last say 10 years.  He is reaping what he sowed....I engaged with my kids , etc. They call me for help, advice or just to shoot the sh*t so to speak.   That is because well...I NURTURED the relationship with them. It wasn't all just lecture, etc like MA.  I took an interest in their lives, what they liked, etc. 

MA is now depressed due to SD's lack of interest in him and in her future.  Heck is noon now and SD just got up because MA woke her @ss up.  I through all of her crap on the bed after I almost bit it last night trying to feed the poor hamster that SD got and neglects.  (I can't neglict the poor thing because the mama in me can't let an innocent creature suffer).   However, the room...its a pig sty.  MA has told her many times to CLEAN IT THE EFF UP...but she ignores him and he avoids...and avoids.    Me I would have taken all the sh*t out of already and either donated or thrown away.  I just sit by and observe.

MA's work is heating up and he has some difficult customers.  Welcome to my world buddy....I work operational support...ALL OF MY WORK IS AN EMERGENCY.  SMH...I deal with difficult customers all the time when  our software, etc doesn't work.  It sucks..its stressfull and you are drained by the end of the day.  

Here is where MA and I diverge. I know my work is stressful and work hard to not let if affect me after hours. I'm not perfect and sometimes it does but I've made great strides in the last year with my therapist on this.  MA ...yea no.  We are back to him numbing himself in front of the TV for hours and hours on end.  Then he wants me to sit there with him.

NEWFLASH..I DON'T WANT TO WATCH TV THAT MUCH..SHEESH.  Lately is rewarching 13 reasons why.,.UGH...I do not like teenage drama shows....I lived through 4 teens...I have had enough teen drama.  

This weekend I was gone on Saturday taking my mom and DD to get our hair done.  What did MA do...watched TV all day and did a load of laundry.  Then on Sunday...we had to meet his parents for we did that. Came home and what did MA do...started to watch TV.  I watched some but then I went upstairs to work on the spare bedroom (its needs painted and rearranged).  I asked MA to walk and we started but it started to sprinkle..that did him in.  He came back to the house and.yep...watched TV. I walked 2 miles on my own.  Finally at 8 p.m. last night..I lost my crap.  I asked him to move something and he didn't...too busy with the TV.  He kept bugging me for seggs but then continued to watch TV.  Like DUDE....stop watching..start talking to me...He just kept telling me he was trying to relax....WHAT FOR ALMOST 20 HOURS IN FRONT OF THE TV...HOW MUCH RELAXING DO YOU NEED?  Plus..I'M NOT YOUR BANGMAID.  I mean really....I get that seggs helps him relax but me..without the emotional connection...that ain't going to happen.

After an hour of him trying to gaslight me, stonewall me and DARVO me...he finally came out with..he is happy but he feels off.  He doesn't know why he feels "off".  (ok..folks he is sad/depressed over the fact that SD isn't turning out like he wants).....let me tell ya that was probably the most honest thing he said.  He also said he is just not happy with himself...not sure that that is about..but it scares THE SH*T out of me...that is what he used as his justification for his fetlife double life.  I had to fight really hard to not let my trigger over take me on that one.

Last night i had the audacity to ask him to go for a walk with me.  SMH...nope..he hates walking...blah, blah, blah.  I suggest other stuff and nope..he is tired, hungry or he just plain says no.  However, he sure ask me for seggs...that is for sure. 

He expects me to just sit and watch tv...that's it.  And listen to his commentary on the show.....not converse about the show but just listen.  To say that I'm bored is an understatment. I try to just watch TV but brain literally is screaming..NO....and then I get on my phone and have to hear him b*tch about me on my phone.  

I've tried to paint while watching and that works...except I'm painting at a coffee table and it hurts my back. I tried reading but MA gets butt hurt and can't remember I'm not watching.

I would just get up and do other stuff..but then I'm told I'm trying to avoid him and I don't "want" him.

I know he is numbing out due to SD and whatever else he is wrestling with ..but why am I the one that gets the punishment?

Is it too much to ask to have 20 minutes of walking together to just talk without the TV, etc?  I'm just going to give him space I guess.  I don't know..I feel like we are going back 2 years to the way we were....but I can't say that...then I'm just living in the past.


advice.only2's picture

This is all my DH wants to do, unless I’m willing to sit and listen to him go on ad nauseum about work he turns on the T.V. and sits on his phone.  I stopped doing it, now I just do my own things and pretty much told him I’m done holding his hand showing him how to be a human, he can sit and rot I’m going to do my own thing.  Guess who gets all upset now when I plan things or book things and he’s not included.  I told him he’s spent our marriage showing me the relationship he wanted and I’m done catering to that.  Now will he get up and start doing something, probably not, but that’s okay I’ve resigned myself that this is the extent I will get and I’m okay with that.  He doesn’t really apply to my life much anymore and that was his choice.  To those who say why not get divorced?  Well, I like my house, I’ve put a lot of time and effort into it, and I can’t afford it on my own.  It’s nice to have a companion from time to time who does want to do something with me, and honestly, I’m not in the mood to start my life over. 

halo1998's picture

I'm not in the mood to start over either..and honestly..I'm not sure starting over would yield a better return anyway.  

I love how you put it..yes MA has spent 13 years showing me the relationship he wants....and yea I'm done catering to that as well.  

I'm to the point I will tell MA..I will watch two hours with you...after that I'm doing my own thing.  Like it lump it....your choice.

I will, however, NOT put up with any type of double life bullsh*t again. That will be an immediate and swift divorce.

ESMOD's picture

No it's not too much and you need to call him on it.

Look, You want me to spend hours just sitting beside you while you watch and rewatch TV movies and shows that I have no interest in.  Yet, when I ask you to go for a short walk because I want to do something different.. YOU refuse.  Until you start meeting me half way.. you can watch TV on your own.  You want me to do things you want to do?  then maybe you should consider participating in some things I ask you to do mmmkay?

halo1998's picture

I hate basketball..(4 foot 11 and not really athletic)...but I go because he likes it and its important to him.  I'd like him to reciprocate and do somethings I like.

He won't go shopping or anything..he has a 3 store limit and gets really cranky about it as well.

AlmostGone834's picture

Sounds like classic stress and anxiety (and anxiety is a B*TCH) and possibly mild depression. He's stressed about work, his lazy daughter, how you'll react to his daughter being lazy. 

He's also probably upset about his daughter having no interest in him. It could be the age, parents are usually an afterthought in the late teens and early 20s. When they get older and have a family of their own, start buying a house etc. it might turn around. Or it might end up like my DH's situation where he gets a text on his birthday and a text on Father's Day but The Slunk Ape gets nightly hour long phone calls. 

A walk would be good for him. He's gotta get out of his head and go "touch grass". And aren't they ALWAYS up for seggs? Ugh. Always energy for that. 

Only way to fix it is getting him to eat healthy, exercise and maybe see his doctor.  Tell him the TV all day won't work for you, some is ok, but there are things he could do around the house too. Getting his daughter on some sort of path to success also would make him feel better. 

halo1998's picture

Heck I'm open to compromise.....I just want to get off the couch and move.  His compromise is we can play cards while we watch TV.  smh....not really the point.

Anxiety I get...I even have the diagnosis of general anxiety that I get.  So the walking is instrumental in helping me deal with that.  Hence why I don't want to sit and vegitate all day.

Cover1W's picture

When my DH withdraws, I let him. I ask if he's ok or if something is going on and that's it. He has anxiety, ADD and mild chronic depression (sounds like this is how it's been since he was young so it's not new, but is amplified when he's stressed). He will watch a lot of sports on TV, or his computer, stay up late watching old movies. I cannot do that either. I ask him to do stuff with me and if he's not interested I'll do it myself. He does know when he's "disengaged" - so I let him sit with it. I remind him to do basic tasks (which I hate doing but if I don't I will have to and that's NOT a good thing for me to do at all). I live my life. If he wants to talk he can. He has a therapist (needs a different on IMHO), he has the smarts to do things. I'm not his leader.

halo1998's picture

 He just thinks the rest of us are being pita's when we ask him do to stuff or try to talk to him. 

Sigh...I used to just let him be and let him disengage but its a bit of a trigger now.  MA used my giving him space before as a reason to cheat on that is a trigger for me.  I get triggered when I want to do stuff on my own without MA since his in his own world.  It sucks..because yes..I think I should just do what I want since he is disengaged/zoned out or whatever but then that nagging voice in my head says "oh now your giving him his justification"....even though I know it was al his choice.


MA needs a therapist BAD.  His last one retired so he has been flying I see mine on Thursday so we will talk about this then.

Dollbabies's picture

my mind that you're still giving any credence to the idea that his online cheating is in anyway your fault. He is using that idea to manipulate you into doing what he knows makes you miserable because he's miserable. 

How is it that his online affairs give him power over you? I just don't get it. 

Yesterdays's picture

He sounds like he's in a big funk /depressed with all of this tv watching. He's using the tv to zone out and tune out /escape. My husband has been playing video games so much this year... Usually by spring he's into other hobbies but for some reason this year the video games keep getting played. And I find it so annoying. Because he comes into the house after something we're out doing and immediately he goes to play video games.

In our house we do things together, go for drives, go to cafes etc and then in the evening we "do our own thing" for a couple of hours and then "reconvene" as we call it for some tv watching together at 8pm for an hour or 2

I think you should tell him you're ok with doing your own thing for a bit and then watch tv together for an hour or 2...he shouldn't be forcing you to watch tv for hours on end.. Doesn't sound fun.. 

He really does need to get out. Watching tv isn't going to help with his mood and depression 

JRI's picture

That's all DH86 does, watch tv.  He also lives my life, ie, if I go somewhere, he wants to drive me.  He does nothing on his own.  He wants me to watch tv with him, too, but there is no way I will watch sports and political shows.  Thank goodness the way our house is, he can watch in the family room and I can watch mine in the living room.

It's all so odd cuz he was so active when younger.  He loved people and people loved him.  Now, he doesn't want to see anybody or answer his phone.  When someone does come, he's ok for awhile then gently nudges them out.

He sometimes comes to the living room and complains that I dont pay him enough attention. I'm on my phone too much, or laying on my couch too much.  So, i put down the phone, look at him and he starts talking about himself at length.   He never asks about what I think and disagrees with almost anything I say.

His only happiness is when we go to the casino, I love it, too.  The staff knows him, he loves it.  But there's a limit to how much we can go and with SD62 draining his "allowance", that is a limiting factor.  Sigh.....


Yesterdays's picture

I won't watch certain shows with my husband.. Like overly violent ones etc or one's that I find boring like Racing documentaries etc and he knows this.... And I have shows he doesn't want to watch too.. So we have shows we follow together and don't watch on our own.. We just finished Loudermilk and I really liked that show. Now back to Outlander, (new season) 

Yesterdays's picture

The tv stuff... That is a symptom.. It seems as though he is in a depressive state.. Would he consider therapy? I thought I'd remembered you saying he wouldn't.. I can see how you would find that triggering though  because he's essentially falling into patterns again.. It would help so much if he could go to a counsellor. It doesn't seem like he had many healthy outlets for when he is stressed. It would be nice if you could figure out some hobbies or things to do together that you both enjoy but he just seems to want to watch tv.... 

halo1998's picture

and yes he is falling back into the same old pattern again...and yes its very triggering for me.  I told him last night.>I don't want to fall back into the old pattern.  It doesn't work for didn't then and it certainly won't work now. 

I wish he would see a therapist...but I suspect since his an avoidant..he doesn't want to because he might have to confront whatever emotions/feelings etc he is having.  

I told him today..I'm here if he wants to talk and I will help how I can.  I do know..only he can really help himself.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Just came to add that this dude really needs a therapist if he doesn't already have one. Seems he goes from depression to "acting out" with the online stuff. Bipolar maybe? 

halo1998's picture

so I'm sure that is part of it....and I think he has some wounds from childhood since his Dad is an alchoholic and his mom is a class A enabler.  

But yes I agree..he needs a therapist badly.

Rags's picture

Say whatever is on your mind. Do not subjugate yourself to his bullshit or his baggage.

Time to sit him down and give  him reality. "Either engage in making a life and marriage with me or GTF out. You have no choice and I want your answer immediately. It you choose to stay, then you are on the one microsecond at a time plan. You F up for a single microsecond, you are out, and we are done. You can go live with your idiot failed to launch daughter who is no longer living here, as of now."

I get a period of challenge, but a repeat of prior bullshit... just no.  Including digital adultery. Cheating is cheating. Do not tolerate it. Not even a hint of cheating.

Take care of you.