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Young SD telephone calls to BM

Gwen's picture

My little SD is 6 going on 7. I have known her since she was 3 going on 4, we have a strong bond. She goes through phases of missing her mom when she comes to our house--it was a lot for awhile, but for 8-10 months she hasn't said a word. Tonight out of the blue she started crying again about missing BM and wanted to call to goodnight. When this came up the first time I did a bunch of research and found that psychologists overwhelmingly agree that kids should not feel disconnected from the absent parent and should be allowed to call, so even though it bothers me, I allow and support it, I even dial the phone. Inside I hate this, I hate having my evening interrupted with BM's energy, even though it is minimal (I put my foot down last year that there would be no long discussions betw. BF and BM after a SD unless necessary). But just SD's need to call, while totally normal and understandable (and sad Sad poor little girl separated from her mom, even tho she loves me and BF, still it must be hard), it hurts me deep down. It isn't even about me, but it still hurts. I feel like I'll never have a whole family, b/c someone will always be looking to the outside, SD will always miss her mom. And tomorrow is soccer day, and I have to go b/c SD and SSs games overlap so I have to help BF ferry them, and BM will be at the games; I just can't stand being around her. Will I ever get to the point where I can just roll with this stuff, and not feel so much pain?

Comments

lovin-life's picture

That depends entirely on you....

It's not easy and I hate seeing hurt, pain, confusion on my kids faces, especially when I'm the one who ended the marriage and put them in this position. But they are happier for it. So says my X's family as well, and it was without a doubt the right decision to make for all parties concerned. That's the part I focus on..not the guilt. I can't stand my hubby's X, etc..I limit contact with her and a part of me feels sorry for her, she is a miserable sole, who has lived a very unhappy life...
I won't let her bring me into that, I don't want that life for me..

I'm learning that its your own state of mind that effects how you react to things....your perception of how things are. Whether you see the glass 1/2 empty or glass 1/2 full kind of thing.

Im discovering that I can roll with this his X, my X, step-kid stuff....
Not to say I'm not going to get rattled now & then.....but I have a sense of calm. The little annoying things...just really aren't that significant to mess up my other wise great day.

Don't worry about everything else around you so much...focus on you..finding calm & peace & just being happy and having fun.
Don't over-analyse things.

A kid calling thier mom, happens daily in millions of households all over the world..everyday...that's just what they do...

Teenagers being sloppy & self-absorbed..hello, they wrote the book on it....it's the 'norm'

Don't take these things personal...many things aren't done TO US..but things do affect us...but try to react logically and not emotionally. (It takes practice!!!)

I'm finding that looking at things in 'the big picture' of things..really helps me. I'm getting better at letting go of the 'clutter' and relaxing & enjoying life .....

I hope I don't sound like I'm diminishing your feelings...cause I'm not. We all react emotioanlly and feel hurt or stressed in these situations we're in...but this strategy of "looking at the big picture' has completely de-stressed me.

Even with oldest SD coming to visit in Dec. arg! And wedding shower to plan & nuptuals with nut-job X in attendance.....It really is just a passing thought, when usually I would be obsessing about it at this point.

Hope this helps.. Smile