How do you deal with the female nature and the competitiveness?

OK--ladies I'm probably bringing up a topic that we all know about and don't discuss, or may be you as a group are more enlightened than me and openly discuss it and I missed it.

I don't know about you, but the BM is not someone in my league, I would never compete with her, she would not be a friend, we are not in the same profession, and we do not hang out in the same circles. Not to be snobby but there is probably no other way for this to come out--she would never be competition for male attention if we were both in the same room. You know how we do that size up the women in the room. Don't get me wrong there is always someone in the room that is smarter, prettier, funnier, or makes more. But I usually hold my own. This women would not be in that category.

So when the monsters talk about the prize mare that is so wonderful I wonder who the heck are they talking about. I've seen the woman and she is no prize. Now she isn't terrible, but not all that and a bag of chips.

I get frustrated being compared to this person who even in an alternate universe is no comparison, I'm taller, thinner, younger, attractive, make more, higher educated, and the list goes on. But the kids always make me feel like second best, and then the SO falls for her crap all the time so he then makes you wonder what the heck. I mean I wonder what he ever saw, but I know we are all in different places in our lives and who knows what she was like back in the day.

How do you deal with it, I know I didn't want a ring for our engagement that was anything like what she had, I don't want to live in the same neighborhood, I don't like going places they went, and then I question myself as a confident together woman would I ever let another woman's presence do this to me and the answer is no. I think because her shadow has beaten me down in my own house I feel that she got elevated somehow, but she is still who she is shorter, heavier, older, thinning hair...I mean the list is long.

I would love to hear how you have dealt with the real BM vs the fantasy that has been created?

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It has nothing to do with

It has nothing to do with fantasy it has to do with the skids always praising their mother which is what kids are supposed to do and if you DH was with her a long time then it may like my DH have to take a while until they stop have feelings and be protective of these women - my DH is all about me now but in the beginning he still had feelings for her (she cheated and wanted a divorce) and they had been together for 16 years so it took him a while to stop having those feelings. My SS would talk about how great his mother was meanwhile we had him full time for 3 years because she wanted to be a single woman - so even though I knew she was a piece of shit I still had confidence issues about her because of the way my SS would talk about her. My BM is attractive but not anymore than I am - my husband is very handsome and of course he would have been married to someone attractive before me but I did have the insecurities for the first couple of years - now I am quite confident in myself and know that whatever feelings my DH had for her are long long long gone and my SS lives with her full time so I don't have him talking in my ear all the time.

I think also you know exactly what kind of person your BM is and the children will always see their parents in the best possible light and coming into a situation that you have never been in before it is hard when the skids talk like the sun shines out their mothers ass and the DH's don't stick up for us. We also have to remember that this is a new experience for them as well and they will make mistakes (the Dh's that is) but if they don't change after a while and come around to your side of it then you have problems.

Maybe they see more than just

Maybe they see more than just her looks. They may look past her thinning hair, age, height, and weight and see a decent person. I've seen beautiful BM's who are totally worthless as a parent. If BM is sorry, the kids will spend the rest of their life even as adults trying to win her approval and love. AND they LOVE to have this image of a great mom even if she is a piece of crap. I guess it makes them feel better for awhile.

Your husband must have been attracted to you because your are different and unique. You don't have to compete with anyone, you can hold your own. He chose you. Don't feel threatened by her. Just because he talks with her doesn't mean he has a thing for her and looks don't have anything to do with it.

I have this problem as well.

I have this problem as well. My DH's ex-wife is a complete piece of low-class crap. I'm not high society by any means so her appearing "low-class" means she's really, really, really low on the totem pole. I personally don't think she's all that attractive but I don't criticize her "looks" just simply because I don't think I'm any better than anyone else in that department. I'm an average looking woman so I don't compare myself in that respect. I do, however, take note of just general overall classiness and she falls WAY below the margin in that area. She wears Twilight t-shirts that are two sizes too small, with jeans or man-shorts that are three sizes too small everywhere she goes. She wears her hair slicked back in a pony tail with greasy bangs and she actually wears BARRETTES in her hair. Little plastic barrettes. She can't form a complete sentence without using the words "like", "ya-know" or "um" fifteen times and is completely uneducated. DH and I are both in school right now pursuing degrees in new careers, meanwhile she's working in a dead-end job because she refuses to better herself. I'm not even certain she's completed high school, and she's almost 30. She's married to a complete ASSHOLE who calls her "fat" and complains about everything she does. He trashes our family to SD8 and tells her things like "your Dad doesn't love you" and "your Dad's kids aren't your siblings", yet she chooses to stay married to someone like that. She had no problem leaving DH and her child for another man half way across the country, but she'll stick with this douche bag who is an ass - go figure.

Despite all of these things that DH and I see, SD8 is enamored with her. She thinks the world of her BM and I would never do anything to destroy that image. It irritates the CRAP out of me because I do feel we live on a different plan than BM but it's not my place at all to belittle her or point out all the terrible shortcomings to SD8. I figure in time, as long as we continue to live our lives as usual, SD8 will be able to draw those conclusions herself seeing as they are so blatantly obvious.

BM is almost obsessive about SD8 "liking" her better. It drives her nuts that SD8 comes here and has any kind of fun. She encourages her to misbehave and not listen, but DH told SD8 the last time she was here if she wasn't good she wouldn't come to our house and he kept her away for quite some time. She's here now and though we've had a few minor issues, nothing major has happened and BM called DH to complain that SD8 didn't cry and tell her how much she misses being home, etc. the last time she talked to her on the phone. That's annoying as well because we're not interested in competing with BM yet she turns EVERYTHING in to a damned competition and "game" and it's just unnecessary.

Don't give in to it all and just stand your ground. I'm not one for ever saying that one person is better than another - just continue to do what you do and live your life. Enjoy the time you have and don't worry about what skids think of BM's. If BM is a nasty person, eventually they WILL figure it out and you will know you had nothing to do with it!

I only used looks as one way

I only used looks as one way of comparison. Yes it is the basic, but like I said she is not in the same league, by that I mean can't take care of herself without constant help. Which the SKids ask for and my SO rarely gives unless it directly for the kids he just won't do it. But she constantly asks anyway, his dad, his sister, old friends, and it is always the same old story. She then lies all the time to get this assistance. On some level I feel sorry for her, but it is just same story different day to where it gets old.

Thank you for your support, my SO doesn't care for her and they hardly talk but he does let the SKids go on and on about how wonderful she is. Yes she does have some nice things going so she isn't total trailer trash, but she is not the image they project. It is almost as if because she is less they have to build her up more.

I guess what I don't understand is why healthy happy 19 and 20 year olds would spend anytime talking up their mothers. I had so many other things I was doing at that age, dating, concerts, activities and friends. So I believe they do it as a way to belittle me and get away with it. Because if it were direct their father would not stand for it, but if it talking good about their mom then it is OK.

I've totally disengaged and spend little time with them now because of their behavior and this is just one pet peeve in a long list. I really do have it made because I don't see them and SO rarely has them over, he works at the college they go to so they see each other there and everyone is much happier that way.

Thank you for the support I was just curious if anyone else had the same issue.

LOL I can see it now. Have

LOL I can see it now. Have you ever seen that website called the people of walmart? I see Bm as one of the people of Walmart that has Waffle House weddings.

I have never felt the need to

I have never felt the need to compete with bm. I too feel I am better than her in all ways I think ss used to sort of put her on a pedestal when he was quite a bit younger, but now that he has lived there for the past 4 years we dont ever hear that kind of stuff-in fact I think if pressed he would admit that I am actually a better mother than her (not that he loves me more or even likes me for that matter) but just at mothering I am better than her-in terms of what I do for my kids and what I used to do for him.

The kids are always going to love their mother more than you. She is their mother-it's a special role so I wouldnt bother to try and compete. I dont know if you have kids of your own, but if or once you do you will understand-that even if YOU love your skids it really will never be the same as loving your own kids.

No kids of my own. I gave

No kids of my own. I gave that up to raise my sister's two kids, my sister is definitely one of the people from wal-mart. It is unfortunate and sad (my sister not being there for her own children), but I raised them. I had all the same issues with her children that I do the SKids, but I love my sister so some of it I could see and my level of tolerance was higher. But once they became teens and early 20's they saw her the way she truly is--it was almost painful to watch them finally understanding their mother is who she is and dependable is not a word in her vocabulary.

Don't get me wrong the SKids mother is a lot better at mothering than my sister was, but the kids are fixated on her and they worship her. It is so odd, I mean I've raised teenagers and at some point I thought I was so stupid that I was surprised I got dressed and went to work everyday--or so the lovely teens told me.

Now with my girls it is very different, when my sister bad mouths me they actually stand up and tell her that I fed them, clothed them and did everything for them when she wouldn't.

I guess part of my issue is I'm tired of the backseat role where the BM gets to be the hero and I do all the work--which I have disengaged and will not do any of the work for the SKids. I did a few years ago to very ungrateful SKids so no more. If their dad wants them to dinner he can buy the groceries, cook the meal and do all the clean-up so you can imagine how often that happens.