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I've been here almost six months ( kinda long)

Gmama's picture

and never really told my story. I don't want sympathy just want to open up so people can know me better.
I married my high school sweet heart when we were 21 years old. We had our first son when I was 23, and the other son was born 3 years later and our daughter was 5 years after him. We always struggled threw our marriage, I look back now and we were just to young. by the time I was 30, things just wern't the way I thought a marriage should be.
after 14 years of "trying" things went searously wrong.
He lost his job, was never home, depression issues,suicide thoughts. one morning things went from bad to HORRIBLE, I had to call the police on him for pointing a gun at my son and I during an argument,he was arrested. after he got out of jail We thougt he was batteling Bi-polar issues,after a 24 hour rampage about wanting to take his life I took him in for a 72 hour hold and found out he tested positive for meth. HOLY CRAP, stayed with him threw his first treatment program,with in three months He relapsed and when on another 3 day sucide threat,he attempted to hang himself in a tree at my parents house. I found a lawyer and filed for divorce. I know I was suppose to stay in sickness and in health but this was becoming a safety issue. He never did clean up, we got divorced and he still continued to use. I never felt safe again,I was always looking over my shoulder, I had no Child support And strict visitation guidlines. I met my now husband during this mess and he stuck with me. A year after our divorce on thanksgiving day he hung himself in jail.
I had to tell my (then) 5,10 and 13 year old there dad died.
When I got up the next morning I looked at them and thought OH MY GOD they are still hear with me,and thanked him for not taking them with him. As bad as some of you wish your EX was "dead" at times, nothing will prepare you for when they are. Taking your children to there first funural and it's there father I can't even begin to discribe how sick to your stomach you feel, That was almost 6 years ago,and my heart still hurts for my children, he has missed so much. Dance recitles,football games, seeing his little girl ride horse, teaching his boys to drive, most of all his first grandson that was born to my son at the age of 17. He left a mess for me to deal with. my boys have been so hurt and I can't tell you what it's like to see your childen in so much pain,and to feel abonded. they were in counceling for years. I try to do my best, our home struggles in many ways, the boys are very distant with there step father, my daughter adores him.she started calling him dad last summer, my oldest thought it was great,my second son HATED it but respects that she was so little and just wants to have a dad. my DH doesn't understand any of this. I don't understand any of this, I haven't creid for a long time. But I still do at times. august would of been our 20th wedding ann. There is no solution to anything, nobody won in this deal, I get mixed feelings, I haven't been to the cemetary in over 4 years, I want to go in august but not sure why. Time does heal, but it takes ALOT of time.i'm just not there yet.

Comments

BabygotBack1988's picture

what a story thats so sad if you feel teh need to go to the cemetry i say go i never belived in following your instinct half as much as i do now as i recently discoved mine has always been right

good luckk all the best x x

sunshine01's picture

When I was 14 I started seeing a boy from our area. He was three years older than me. I turned 16 October 1992 and that Christmas he proposed to me with me family. January of 1993 we discovered we were pregnant. June 1993 we married. Setpember 1993 our beautiful daughter entered this world. So He was my high school sweet heart as well.

I started to discover things over the next couple of years that made me to believe that he was using drugs. After researching and investigating I discovered that he was growing pot and smoking pot. I asked him to stop for the sake of his family. I was concerned that my daughter would be taken from us. Needless to say he chose that lifestyle over the love we shared. I filed for divorce. I was taking my daughter to his house for a weekend visit and I just wanted to be noisey and see what he has done to what used to be bedroom. I walked into the bedroom to find the room covered in marj. plants hanging to dry. I could feel my heart just breaking even more. This is the one true love of my life that I truly took alot from me.

I took visitation away from him and made it supervised by his family. Then one day a real close friend of ours had passed away. My ex called me at work upset and told me that I was the only person in this world that he could talk to. I met him one afternoon and we attended the funeral and even spent days together afterwards. I dreamed I would have my family back. He led me to believe that he wanted the same. But I never got from him what I needed to put all the pieces together.

So I moved on with my life. My daughter went for years without seeing him. He would pass our house and wave and would never stop.

Then one day I received a phone call from several of his family members that he was found in the driveway shot. No one was sure of what happened but it appeared that he had done it. My life at that moment stopped.

I called my family and was unable to even breath or even tell them I needed them, I needed them with me to tell my daughter who was 7 at the time. My family came to my house and I will never forget having to breath the words to my daughter that her father was gone. EVEN though he had not seen her in years, to her he hung the moon. After all it was her father.

We attended the funeral and I no words can explain the pain, the numbness and parts of me died with him. I became angry at him for being so selfish if he in fact took his life and that knowing that our daughter was not enough to want to live on this earth.

TO make this short, my daughter wanted to go to the cemetery every chance we had. Its close to were my family lives, so i was able to take her often. She wanted to take stuff for every holiday, his birthday, etc. Then we stopped going for maybe a year. She is almost 15 now. Then she came to me and said momma why dont you take me to the cemetery anymore. My answer was that I didnt want to push her. I want her to heal in her own way. SHE HAS no idea how many times I have gone and just cried and got angry at his grave.

She started to have about two break downs a year,,, fathers day and his birthday. Yes I also took her to counseling but she would not talk.

I still remain angry with him. She has been teased for him dying, she has her friends ask her about it, she will not have her father to give her away at her wedding, they both have missed so much.

We planted buttercups at his grave and every spring she loves to go to see the buttercups. Even though my daughter is doing better now, no one can take the place of the man that hung the moon to her. She is a great kid and has her fathers personality and I see him in her every day.

This situation is very difficult but life goes on. She now has a wonderful step father and those two love each so much.

Every now and then my daughter will ask me questions about her father, how we met and its nice to give her those memories that we shared.

BUT you are correct to say that people just dont know how it is until your child loses someone.

Harleygal's picture

and I feel for you. I have struggled with this same issue with my first daughter. It takes a lot to overcome something like this. I'm very very sorry for what you and your children have to go through here.

My daughter's father and I were married for about six years. Things started to get a little violent with him, he stopped coming home sometimes at night etc.. After we divorced and he moved off, I found out he was into meth as well. I found this out from the minister in Joplin that sent his body back to my daughter and I to be buried. You see, his own family was going to leave him there to be cremated. They didn't care. I couldn't stand it when I found that out a few days after we were notified he had died. This wonderful minister paid to have his body returned to where it belonged - with us. I could not thank him enough for his kindness. My ex struggled with Huntington's Chorea, alcohol abuse and apparently drug addition. He left our town because he was afraid he would hurt us. This minister knew this because my ex had attended bible study a few times trying to escape this life he had created. He died in a car wreck. Apparently he stole a taxi cab after a night of heavy drinking and who knows what else and ran it into a tree a at a very high speed. He didn't have a chance. He died on impact. I feel like this was a suicide attempt. I have never told my daughter that, in fact, I'm not even sure she knows how this came about. I know how you feel having to tell your child this. It's awful. The only thing I can say is that I take comfort in my child knowing where her daddy is now. There's no more wondering what became of him. No more wondering when she will hear his voice again if ever. No more wondering what town he is in.

I'm praying for you and your kids. You're in my thoughts today. I'm glad you posted this.

"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac

Sia's picture

appreciate my family that much more! Thanks for sharing! Smile

sarahbernheart's picture

I lost my father at 16. he was a drunk and mean and bitter and very distant, but he was my father, and I had a hard time dealing with his death, (he died of sciroscis(sp)of the liver)
some of the baggage I am learning to let go of is because of the relationship that I had with him that was cut short.
you all are an inspiration.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

StepG's picture

I am so sorry for all of what you have been through. I feel bad for complaining about the things that I have. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I think that you should go in August to the cemetery. It seems as though even though it did not work out btw you and your ex that you still loved him as the father of your children and cared for him and then for him to be gone like that. For sure got to the cemetry. Thanks again for posting that.

Gmama's picture

you all pretty much filled in the blanks that I wasn't able to write all down today.I am still angry,yes my children were teased,confused, bitter and still very sad. it helps me to know some of you feel the same way and went threw the same things. I just wonder when my daughter will "ask"??? I couldn't tell het the truth, not at 5 years old so I can't help but wonder how she'll handle this when she does.
Thank you all for your support,and kind words. Please keep in tough, my thoughts are with you all that lost someone you once loved, "Till death do you part" has a whole new meaning.

Colorado Girl's picture

Our situations are a little different but I know the struggles of trying to explain to a child the absence of a father who 'chose' not to be around.

"It's not your fault." That's my mantra.

Those who take their own life don't ever realize the ripple effect that follows. Especially when there are children who need them so desperately.

Keep up the good fight. Your kids have a mom who loves them and they'll learn one day that it just might be enough to replace the void that their dad left.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Most Evil's picture

For all we know your DH was too sick to go on and that is a terrible terrible feeling. It is so unfair to all of you and him that this happened. I cannot imagine burying my DH (God forbid). I know your children feel your love and will come to appreciate your DH even more because of all this.

I had an ex that died after I had hated him for years after we broke up. When I heard I realized I didn't hate him that much, to wish that on anyone, he was young too and I have grieved for his lost life and friendship ever since. I believe his too was drug related but his family denies it.

Grief is a terrible thing that comes and goes, then comes back over and over. God bless you and yours, all of you, you are not alone.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin