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Live-in Adult Skids

gimmeabreakkk's picture

Hi all, 

I have been a reader for over a year and need advice. I am at my wits end. This is LONG. 

DH and I have been together for over 8 years and I love him dearly. I am 29 and have no kids of my own.(We are not married but I will refer to him as DH and the skids as SKs) He comes with 3 kids- SS20, SD18 and SD 10. The two oldest have lived with us full time for almost 5 years. I CANNOT stand SS, and SD18 isn't far behind. I cannot wrap my head around DH parenting! Zero consequences, zero expectations, zero life skills. SS has totaled 2 of DHs vehicles and was permitted to then drive DH truck on the same day to go hang out with friends. Mind you, this kid has been pulled over countless times and once the cop found w**d. we buy him a new vehicle, he gets it in his name and registers it, I send him several insurance quotes and he is told he needs to get insurance ASAP. Rear ends a neighbor right in front of our house because he's on his fcking phone. No insurance. Totaled the car, and is now being sued for damages to the other vehicle. Zero consequences. 
 

those are the big things. Here is what DH refers to about me getting pissed about 'every little thing'.

SS was on my phone plan years and years ago because his mom refused to replace his phone after he rendered it inoperable. SS failed 9th grade and needed to take summer school. I told him if he didn't finish summer school his data would be turned off for a month. He doesn't finish, I turn his data off. He whined and whined to DH who insisted I turn it back on. So I did to avoid conflict. No other consequences were attempted or imposed. Slamming doors constantly, sitting in the dark in the dining room watching DH and I laying together on the couch. Eating everything in sight and not even cleaning the dishes. Stealing intimate notes out of a bag in my closet, leaving them on the coffee table and when I confronted him, he said it was the dog. 
I bought a house in the next town over so we moved in 2020. SS barely lifted a finger and only helped when he saw something he wanted to snoop through. Slams the doors at the new house, eats all the food, blames everyone else for anything he's called out on. Wigs out when told to do something he's been told to do many times before. Like stop vacuuming up batteries in your room! Pick them up and throw them away. 3-4 loads of laundry per week, leaves chicken bones on the counter right above the trash and claims 'the trash can grosses me out and I don't want to touch it'. WTF?! I said I'd rather have you wash your hands for five minutes afterward than leave this here! Up and down the stairs banging around at least 15 times a night. Doesn't let the dog out during the day so I often come home to a gallon of piss on the living room floor. Doesn't take the trash out, balls up and crams his wet towels on the hook in the bathroom leading to a musty odor. Sprays water all over the floor while showering and won't clean it up unless told. This has lead to moldy baseboards. Didn't graduate high school and lied about his credits and told us he was graduating. Cap and gown and memorabilia ordered. 2 days before the ceremony he tells us he can't walk at graduation and has to do summer school. Didn't go and now has no high school diploma and no plans on getting GED. 
 

so much more 'petty' crap. I have talked to DH about this so many times until I'm blue in the face. He just says 'I know I know'. When pressed on how we can work on these issues he gets EXTREMELY defensive. Says 'you're clearly not cut out for this.'. I have tried and tried to step in when DH won't because, let's face it, BM isn't in the picture anymore and I cannot sacrifice my home or self respect to accommodate these twits. 
 

how can I approach DH with a productive and non-judgmental conversation? I've told him SS has to be out by September. He has a job working like 2 days a week and no vehicle. We agreed that he would collect money from SS and use it to get him a place or vehicle. He admitted last weekend that he's only gotten a few bucks from him. 
 

I am bursting at the seams with anger and resentment. 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

marriage counseling.

that's all I can suggest.

If your husband is the problem and refuses to fix the issues with his kids.. maybe you do need to leave.

you are way to young and have way too much time ahead of you to deal with an unsupportive husband.

gimmeabreakkk's picture

I've brought up counseling before but never had the motivation to pursue it. We're insanely compatible when the kids aren't around and we have so much fun. We used to get the two oldest Tuesday and Wednesday and every other weekend. This changed rapidly when BM and SF moved a few states away and suddenly it's full time. I feel like I've lost myself in all this. I know that, ultimately, I suffer under the weight and intensity of my reactions. But you can only 'accept what is' for so long before saying f*ck it and forcing your environment to change. 
I will bring up counseling and if DH brushes it off I'll just find one for myself*yes3*

Rags's picture

We're insanely compatible....... 

Seeing the 5000Lb gorilla in the corner, ignoring it, and ignoring the many other large members of the gorilla troup issues  is not compatibility.  

There is so much more that stands out in all of this beyond his failure as a father.  

Do not ignore the rest of it and romanticise this as a "just that one thing" issue between now and a hope-ium pipe fueled future of wonderfulness.

 

gimmeabreakkk's picture

It's tunnel vision. I see that now. (Pun! Score! lol) you're right, Rags. I've got the ocean in front of me but I'm too concerned with the little piss warm cesspool on the beach. 

ESMOD's picture

Liking the same things.. being compatible doesn't tick all the boxes unfortunately.

Your SO is putting his head in the sand and he is doing it to the detriment of your home, your finance, your relationship.  That is not what being a good partner looks like.

Not holding his kid to any sort of consequence is not helping his son either.  My question would be.. don't you love your son enough to want a better life for him?  Is the boy on drugs?  Is he an alcoholic?  Is he undiagnosed mental issues?  Why won't your husband respect your relationship and love his son enough to make real changes in expectations... and set consequences for not meeting them?

I would also be putting my husband on notice that if he can't teach his son to be respectful of the home.. it will be HIS job to walk around after him hanging up wet towels, mopping floors and throwing away chicken bones.  I would also demand full transperancy as to when his son pays him his rent.. and progress towards goals.

At minimum your SS should get his GED/HS diploma.. period.. that is a non negotiable.

After that, he needs to be working at least 4 days a week.. and contributing a fair rent.  His dad can hold it aside for him as a move out fund.. and that move out date needs to be set in stone and all of you are full aware of it.

I would consider taking control of any access to cable/internet... and if he is not keeping his end of the bargain.. those things are cut off.. perhaps including his phone if it's still on your plan.

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"Says 'you're clearly not cut out for this.'"

Oh Hell No. Like you have some deficiency. I'm not cut out for eating shit sandwiches, either. Do you want kids of your own? If so, you are spending your childbearing years paying for and cleaning up after "kids" who are technically in your same generation. If you don't want kids, you are spending your going out and having a good time/traveling years on the same, and you are getting no appreciation. Unless this guy is also footing all the bills and doing chores for YOU (and giving you an allowance), he has no room to complain about your complaining. You are the one sacrificing for this relationship. You are not petty, you are being taken advantage of.

As far as how to approach it with DH, maybe some other posters can chime in. But whatever you say, go in from a place of knowing that you are not being petty. Who the fk is cut out for being used? 

thinkthrice's picture

Clapping Clapping Clapping

Felicity0224's picture

Re-read everything Rumplestiltskin said, and then read it again. You are being used! If your DH allowed this kid to get to 20 years old with little to no actual parenting, he's not likely to turn the ship around at this point.

I would recommend that you draw a line in the sand; either the adult baby moves out, or every single one of them moves out. Either way, you can't continue to live with/enable SS. 

Also, please think long and hard about having kids with this guy (if that's on the table). I can guarantee you will be stuck with ALL the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting. You see how hard it is to be the only adult with expectations and boundaries, just imagine the emotional toll that will take when/if you're trying to raise a child you love and care about. It's incredibly difficult to carry that burden alone. You are so very young and now would be a great time to look for someone who would actually be an equal partner to you. 

gimmeabreakkk's picture

I don't plan on having any kids. No thank you! 
He lost his job of 20 years a few years ago and didn't work for almost a year. I made plenty of money as a contract fraud analyst so I took care of all the bills and took us on vacations etc. when my contract ended I couldn't find a job for 9 months. I had saved money to get us through thankfully. He does and did most of the housework because I refuse to anymore. I won't clean up even regular messes like dog hair clumps on the stairs while kids sit in their rooms eating my food, pumping up my electricity bill, cackling on the phone or the Xbox all night long. They do nothing. There have been so many times DH and I are out and he asks 'do you care if SS has a friend over?'. I say no, but he needs to clean up the kitchen first. We walk through the door and the kitchen is destroyed. I'm livid, DH is now butthurt and here comes SS through the door with some girl we've never met and will never be introduced to. Think DH said anything right then and there? Made him clean up the kitchen while that girl waited outside? Ha. No. I would have made him clean then take the girl home if my relationship wouldn't have suffered for it. 
 

I feel like I've tried every approach to hold these 'kids' accountable and stand up for myself without allowing my relationship to suffer for it. DH is soft and quick to see the best in everyone and I am hard and read people differently. Opposites attract but when you throw kids in the mix.. god help us. 

Rags's picture

I've tried every approach....

Except putting your foot up your SO's ass and the asses of his failed family progeny.

Nea

Apparently anyway.  By avoiding conflict you are facilitating this whole mess.

IMHO

 

SMto3's picture

Kid bringing home a girl? Are they going to his room? Locking it? Now that the precedent has been set, it's going to be hard to take this away now. Your SS will always want to bring a girl over, and you better keep your fingers crossed he doesn't knock one of them up! Otherwise, you're really stuck for another 18 years. 

thinkthrice's picture

Just RUN!!!!!!

Winterglow's picture

Head to your local courthouse to find out how to legally evict the buggers and follow through without giving any information in advance. If your SO isn't happy about it, evict him too. He wants a young,  dynamic partner? OK, but he needs to be able to live in HER world with HER rules, especially as she is putting a roof over his head. 

Tell him he clearly isn't cut out to have a partner ... especially not one who has a brain. Not your fault. 

He says "he knows"? So why does he do FA about it. He's a non- parent. You're too young to waste any more of your life on him.

 

gimmeabreakkk's picture

I am sooo going to come back with something like that next time he says I'm not cut out for this. I'm not great at witty and painfully truthful comebacks lol. 
I totally agree that I deserve to be reckoned with in my home. I don't need to be a tyrant to be happy. I just need to stop stepping in metaphorical and sometimes literal shit. What I want is for his kids to move on. Yeah I knew he had kids when I met him but I also expected them to be out one by one after Highschool. I was a foster kid from 14-18 and made my way in the world as soon as I legally could and figured it out, so I struggle to find the sympathy for these invalids. 

Kes's picture

The one good thing about your story is that you're not married to this arsehole - and hopefully will never be!  I imagine a lot of our jaws dropped to the floor at his remark "You're clearly not cut out for this" - WTF?  You appear to be the only adult in a household of children and are trying against the odds to impose some order on the mess, unsuccessfully.  Really, I would suggest relationship counselling, except he doesn't sound the type that would engage with it nor get it - he'd just make everything your fault.  I'd chalk this one up to experience and throw the lot of them out.  Find a proper, adult man who can meet you on a grown up level. 

gimmeabreakkk's picture

If and when the oldest amicably move out I'd happily marry him, change the locks, make it clear they have no business ever being in my home unless invited in, and even more abundantly clear that, to a great extent, their problems are their own. We have the greatest chemistry without the oldest around. But when they're near my mood is dampened and I, insufferably, wish I was elsewhere. 

SMto3's picture

That that oldest one will "amicably" move out. Your SO doesn't discipline his son, so it's highly unlikely SS is planning on leaving anytime soon. Not unless your SO agrees to make him force save (has to take most of his check from him to save it for an apartment/down payment). Even so, SS will know that your SO is doing it at your behest and these stepkids always target their resentment on us, because we can see through their crap. You will have to keep a metaphorical foot on your SO's neck to keep it going, because SS has been allowed for this long to do what he wants, and your SO has been enabling him (probably codependent), so this dynamic is highly unlikely to change. You'll end up being the bad one, I'm afraid but I promise you it's well worth having your peace. 

I, too suffered to get in the mood when SSs were around. It just felt weird to have intimacy with them listening in. 

gimmeabreakkk's picture

SMto3 ,I will bring up your points when we talk-tomorrow night most likely. There are SO many other things that have happened over the last few years that have stopped our world from turning and I got tired, distracted, pulled this way and that, numbed myself because the last thing I wanted to feel was pissed off in my own home. I kind of gave up for awhile but the rage still burned deep. My relationship with DH was crumbling as was my relationship with myself. I feel myself being kind of revived now and this primal thing in me won't stop until I remove this thing in my life that makes me so unhappy. 
 

We can get over this bump my way, with tenacity and a lead foot, or we can try DHs way and go around, get lost in the bush and strangled by a snake. 
 

I will lay my terms out and if he cannot commit to them 100%, then I'll stay home and he and his posse can get lost. I have to remember to commit to getting what I want which is a home without adult children. I have to remember to not shrink my desires to make room for his. I am allowed to want this and it should be taken seriously. Achieving this should be as important to DH as it is to me and if not, so be it. 

Thank you for sharing and for your advice. It has really strengthened my confidence and empowered me. Sometimes we get so used to taking the back seat that we may forget we're capable of driving.

JRI's picture

He's right, you're clearly not cut out for it and nobody sane would be.  Cut your losses and run.

I suppose you could try marriage counseling IF he was willing (doubtful) and you felt like going to all the effort.  But for any counselling to work, people have to 1) be willing to admit mistakes and 2) be willing to change.  It doesn't sound like he's up for #2.

 I'm sorry.

 

gimmeabreakkk's picture

I will bring up counseling and if he agrees then maybe I will task him with finding someone we can see. Even couples without these sorts of troubles see therapists! It would be so nice to have an unbiased 3rd person to mediate things. I do my best to listen to DH carefully and objectively but it always feels like he is incapable of stepping outside of his safe little thought bubble into a new perspective. And I'm left feeling drained of my empathy with none in return. 
these issues have been going on for years and only gotten worse. DH is fiercely defensive of his kids and I know I am fiercely critical, but for good reason. I can't even bring myself to apologize sometimes because I feel like I'd be losing my self respect. 

CLove's picture

If you were MY daughter (Im old enough to be your mother!) Id ask her what her long-term goals were, and tell her to GTFO. Your partner is using you, and you are supporting his cretinous children, at the expense of yourself and your own mental health.

Id seek counseling to figure out the whys of this relationship. Love is NOT enough. I suspect that your being so close in age to the SS20 is what is causing him to be so darn disrespectful of you, plus his immaturity. And you mentioned that the SD is following in his footsteps, so basically they will start ganging up on you.

Consider that your partner is not being a true partner to you. Consider what you want for your life to look like. This will not change and it will not get better - only worse - because a presidence has been set. If you try to change things you will be met with extreme resistance.

The house is in your name and you are not married. Time to take stock of what a prize you are and what a prize your partner is NOT.

gimmeabreakkk's picture

Thank you for your response, CLove. It really warmed me! I do need to do some deep reflecting and decide what I want. By no means do I WANT to lose DH, especially at the hands of the skids. But I'm giving away pieces of myself every day it seems. Trading bit by bit hoping for some deliverance in the future. I've done my best to disengage but it's so hard seeing DH cook and clean up their messes when he gets home from work. I want to take care of us without taking care of them. That's a hard thing to balance. 

AgedOut's picture

Well I'm old enough to be CLoves mom so here's my two pennies: 

your husband is choosing to be their bitch. You can't change that but you can change financially supporting it and them. You can change you sitting around watching it. Get up, get out, go do something. If you're in the US your local library may have passes for museums, offer classes, etc. Take up birding (I'm a closet birder) or join a hiking club, a walking club, volunteer for something, learn your local history, go to a minor league call game, an outdoor free concert, a cemetery walk we do this when my hip was playing nice) take up anything so you aren't spending your time watching him play cindersmellalot to his rotten man droppings.

 

 

Plan your time for you, he's planning his for himself. Every so often invite him along so he knows he has choices. You doing you might make him change up his own choices and at the least, you'll be busy, you'll enjoy yourself, and you'll be further from your stress. 

SMto3's picture

Want to lose your SO, but how much does your SO not want to lose you? I know in my situation, if I were to look at it and be honest, I think my DH enjoyed feeling "needed" by his kids. That didn't miraculously stop when they were 18. It was me who had the problem with things as they were because DH and the stepsons were okay with the arrangement. The stepsons were able to get what they wanted and DH got to feel needed by his kids. And trust me when I tell you, it's very different for them to feel needed by their kids vs us. This is why it's hard for a lot of these men to hold their kids' feet to the fire, and they have a hard time launching them. This is why your SO gets "extremely defensive" when you try to have a conversation with him about it. Their need to feel needed by their children seems more important to them than any other thing/person/relationship. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

How are you handling finances? There are 4 adults in the house, which means you should be paying a fourth of all costs. Since the house is in you name, is your SO paying rent? Are the kids? My advice would be to give a firm date for the kids to move out, and if they don't - then DH and both kids can move out. You can still date SO if you want, but you need to quit supporting all of them financially.

gimmeabreakkk's picture

We have had this exact argument many times. DH gives me money to help out with bills and we kind of just flip flop with groceries. I hate buying groceries knowing that lurch is going to be raiding my fridge while I'm in bed. Only helping carry in groceries so he can take inventory of what to gorge on later. But the skids pay nothing. SD doesn't have a job. She's supposed to be moving out of state for college in the fall but I'm not getting my hopes up. I told DH September and if SS isn't out then I'm done. And either he backs me kicking SS out whether he's ready or not, or they're all out. Whether they're ready or not. 

AgedOut's picture

Change your buying habits. Buy less snacky, more healthy. Buy what you like, not what daddy's little spermazoids like. But plain bagged microwave popcorn instead of their fav snackies. Fruit, veggies, etc. Treat only yourself. And keep those treats in a lock box or in your car trunk. Buy water not soda or beer. Pretend it's because you want to clean up your health. When he's mopping up after his shoulda been kleenex kids, take yourself out for an ice cream cone. Go to a festival while he's scrubbing their undies, eat your way through it as you wander around people waztching. He's their bank bitch, you do not have to pitch in penny one for that.

 

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You need to stop buying groceries for the kids. Buy only for you and SO and hide whatever you don't want them to eat. When they ask where the food is - tell them to ask their Father. You are 1/4 of this household and you are basically supporting 3 grown adults. Start doing this now - before your September deadline.
You mentioned that you and SO have great chemistry and while that is wonderful, please don't let the chemistry blind you to the financial aspects of your relationship, even once the kids are gone. SO needs to pull his weight.

Merry's picture

So you are the maid to a poorly educated, defiant, freeloading slob? And you want to have a nonjudgmental convo about it? You're wasting your time.

Is this house yours alone?  If so, see a lawyer and start the eviction process. See who your DH supports in this. If he supports you having a clean, respectful home, then maybe the relationship has a chance. If he is angry with you and and takes his son's side, then you know you that your needs will never be met and it's time to move on.

This would be a total line in the sand for me and I wouldn't hesitate or look back. You've tried everything but direction action, and it's well past time for that. 

StepUltimate's picture

Everything Merry said, 100%

gimmeabreakkk's picture

Oh I wouldn't need to evict them legally. I blew up last weekend and kicked them all out around 11pm. Took them about 5 minutes to get off my property. I may be just a little woman but I can throw caution to the wind and let my temper rear its ugly head. 

AgedOut's picture

Saddle that inner beast and ride it all over them as you send them scurrying under their rocks.

Merry's picture

Yeah, but they came back, right? And nothing changed? Putting on your b1tch boots is great, but you have to keep them on.

FORCE a plan for them to get out, and if your DH can't/won't support that then he's out too.

I know what I'm talking about here. My DH was supporting his freeloading son and he got to choose living with me or with the son. All my anger, all our arguments, all his empty promises went away when I took action. I had to be ready to lose my marriage though, and DH had to know I was willing to do that.
I'm all for helping adult kids if they are doing everything they can to support themselves, but coddling and enabling won't happen with my time or resources. 

Lillywy00's picture

All I had to do was read the title "Live in Adult Skids" to tell you .... the answer should always be N.O. Final Answer!

grannyd's picture

   Gimmeabreakkk, you’ve written:

'Stealing intimate notes out of a bag in my closet, leaving them on the coffee table and when I confronted him, he said it was the dog.' Apart from all the rest of the little prick’s offences, this, alone, is unforgiveable. How dare he? If my SS had done something so contemptible, I’d have frog-marched him out the door in a rage so blistering that adrenaline would’ve granted me the might of a female Hercules! He’d have taken flight like one jet-propelled.

For God’s sake, girl, how did you get past such an outrageous insult to your privacy? It’s clear that your SS has no respect for either you or his wimp of a father and no wonder; without suffering any consequences for his disgusting behaviour, he’s free to do as he pleases. And how lovely for the young man’s mother, cowbird that she is, chucking her deplorable baggage onto your doorstep to ruin your peace and happiness! You’ve indicated that ‘I CANNOT stand SS, and SD18 isn't far behind.’ Have you considered dumping the two of them back on their mother’s threshold, where they belong? After all, she can hardly toss them out on the street, correct?

Hon, I cannot imagine how you’ve managed to endure this state of affairs for 8 years; I’d have done something drastic long ago if I’d found myself in your situation. Love and chemistry are never enough to tolerate the intolerable. Bad

gimmeabreakkk's picture

grannyd I'm not sure what the up and up means lol. I've just been able to settle down in bed and read all your comments! 

grannyd's picture

Sorry Sorry 2 about that, Hon. I misinterpreted your original comment and made an uninformed response.

Rags's picture

DH is clearly the one not cut out for this, parenting that is. He isn't even cut out to be a an adult or even a man, much less a parent. 

As for the solution, it is clear, simple, direct and the foundation is already in place.

I bought a house in the next town over

Stop caving to "avoid conflict" as you did when you allowed daddy to pressure you into turning data back on for the whining shit spawn. DH who insisted I turn it back on. So I did to avoid conflict.

DH is a failed man, failed father, and failed partner.  He and his two kidults live with his 29yo sugar mama in his 29yo sugar mama's house. It is time to end the sugar mama bullshit and pull all financial support for this guy who is not your DH.  No being on your phone plan, start charging him rent equivelent to 80% of monthly rental value of your home (SO, SS20, SD18, SD10) and  80% of the food, utilities, etc... costs on him, and tell him that he and his spawn keep the house clean or you will engage a house cleaning service that DH will pay for.

Linlely, in no time flat, the SKidults will be out, DH will grow a pair, and your life will calm exponentially.   The downside is that DH may leave, which IMHO is no downside and no loss.   This 20yo needs to be gone and it must be made clear that he cannot return. Ever. Not even to visit.  Re-read your above origninal post. This kid is a lost cause. No two ways about it. And daddy facilitates it. Time for the Skidult to GTF out and finish growing up on his own time and his own dime.  Do not backoff on this to "avoid conflict".

You are young, this is not your circus and the shit spawn is not your monkey.  Please learn to value yourself and do not flush your youth and your life down this toilet with this failed family shallow and polluted gene pool.

Far too many SParents continually serve themselves up on the sacrificial alter of martyrdom to their mate and that mate's failed family.  Don't do that.

As others have shared is the case for them, I am old enough to be your dad. My son (SS who I adoped when he ws 22 at his request) is nearly 32. Take a look at my profile for a bit more on our blended family history.  Like you, and many of your contemporaries, he has a tendency to go for rescue project SOs.  People who really are not a good fit, that are not peers intellectually, professionally, or of equivelent or even adequate character.  

Take care of you.

Give rose

gimmeabreakkk's picture

Rags-Not my circus, not my monkeys. I actually referenced that at work today! That hits me hard and you are completely right. All of your points, really. Especially the shit spawn. My skin crawls.   
 

I have, in the past, brought up that I feel I shouldn't have to pay more than my share of the bills. He argued with the sorry retort of feeling like any given day he could be kicked out and then he wouldn't have the means to get on his feet. Aka find a place to rent in a very rural Midwest area to accommodate him and his loser adult kids. 
 

it wasn't always this way, though. He used to be the one taking care of the bills. Still fixes the cars, saves the day, coaches his youngest's basketball and softball, folds the laundry, weed eats AROUND my plants, mows the old neighbor's lawn. He's a fantastic person. But you throw the most un-fantastic people into the mix and live in the same home, it drains the color out of it all.  

 

Like many posters, I know it boils down to DH's parenting. But at this point, there is no sense in punishing someone for their parental failures long before I came along especially when he will never father a child of mine. 

I know there's a way to get him on board. He isn't overly close to the oldest skids so surely it can be done. If only there were a way to make him want them to leave. A little mental trickery.... 

SMto3's picture

The parental failures are not from long before you came along. His son has went through your stuff....he has given his son cars even though his son showed he wasn't responsible....he allows his son to bring girls over (and I'm sure they're not just watching tv and handholding in the room)...he allowed his son to drop out of school...son is not being forced to work full time/get ged/go to college....the kids eat everything...son is currently messy...those are not long before you. They seem pretty recent and if past behavior predicts future behavior, then it doesn't seem like this is going to change unless YOU do something about it. 
The step kids haven't left because he doesn't want them to, or he would have launched his part time working weed smoking 20 year old a while ago.You say he saves the day, but you seem to be fine on your own, so whose day is he really saving? 
 

Now....it's not going to be so easy getting the 20 year old out. He's going to pull on your SO's heartstrings about how poor him can't afford to go live alone...and I have a sneaking suspicion you're going to be in for a lot more disagreements with your SO. He's already blaming you and telling you you can't hack this parenting thing, when you're not a parent and he's one but still failing at it this very day with the oldest one. And that would be fine if it was a standalone thing and didn't affect anyone else, but his lack of parenting affects your peace in your household and you're the only one who will see the issue with this. 

Winterglow's picture

WHAT?!  That's utterly crap and you know it. He should be paying his fair share and so should his kids! There's no way he's setting aside money just in case, he's giving it to his wastrel kids! In other words, because you are footing the majority of the bills, you are paying his kids to live with you. Stop that NOW!

Time to kick them all out. You can still have a relationship with your dh but you don't have to live with him. Th only alternative I would offer is to kick the SKIDS out and have him pay his half of the bills if he doesn't want to be evicted too. Stand up for yourself because nobody else will. The SKIDS can go back to their mother. 

If you don't get them out now, this will be your living hell that you will be financing until you divorce him. Remember, this can get exponentially worse as soon as there is a pregnancy ...

SMto3's picture

We have been in a similar step situation. My SS24 and SS19 lived with us full time up until last 2022 and 2023. 
SS24 was a lot like yours in that he totaled a couple of vehicles and got caught smoking at a job DH got for him. 
He was a little creepy in that he would be watching us hug, stand by our room every morning, it was just weird. Of course DH didn't really see these things. In some ways, he kinda still doesn't. 

We argued so much about the kids because of how different we are in our parenting approach. The way SS24 moved out is I had to have DH force save for him. His weed habit was such that he struggled to save and I needed him out because I had DD and I didn't want her growing up in the environment we had when SSs lived with us. 

SS24 wasn't outright "bad", but he was sneaky as hell, so a lot of the things you mentioned your SS did mine did also. He looked through our stuff, stole our car keys and went for a joy ride when we were out of town (and got tickets), and when DH would work the overnight he'd bring his friends over. He slept in the basement which has a separate entrance so one concern was that there were men in the house we didn't even know.
The other concern was that he also started bringing girls over without consulting with us and I was fearful he would get someone pregnant and the whole cycle would restart because I knew DH would want to help his son with grandkids. We would then get stuck with SS and his kid for another 18 years. I shudder til this day at that thought.

My DH also would come home and cook for them which would drive me up the wall. I couldn't understand why he had to work all day to then come home and cook and clean for the lazy teens. I think on some level he enjoyed it and it made him feel needed. 
When it comes to SS24 the force saving was what got him to leave. I kept on DH about getting SS24 out because there was just a lot wrong about it and I was at my wits end. Not even a month in and SS wanted his money back. DH let him know that if he gave him that move out money, he'd have to move out that day and as luck would have it, SS24 had met a girl living on her own and I'm sure he fed her a story about how he got kicked out and she took him in (turns out this was her dad's place for low income people and technically not hers).  Technically he did get kicked out, but it was after about 3 years of him working and being unable to save because of his weed habit. I'm sure he didn't tell her that part because SS needs to be the victim in his stories (both stepsons actually are like this, very victimy). Fast forward 2 years and now SS has baby #2 on the way. Can't say I didn't call it, but thank god he doesn't live with us and I don't know that I'll ever take him back in. 
SS19, well, I had to get extreme plus creative but I'm officially free of living with them since last year. It's been peaceful and awesome. 
But. 
What you have is a SO problem (significant other). The kids only get to get that way when they have weak parental figures. Why would your SS launch if he has it so easy with his dad? Crash his car and allowed to take the truck the same day? Gets to drop out of school with no consequences? Of course they'll want to continue mooching! And now he also gets to be a victim because you know, he didn't finish school and won't likely be able to get a job that pays well enough for him to move out on his own. And for some men (my own included) it's just easier for them to neglect the situation and act like it's not happening. I know, I don't get it either but that's how they are. 
In my opinion, I really hope that you can find a good counselor and try that route, but I don't believe your SO will change unless...you decide on a flag and a hill. 
That's what it took for me honestly. I had had enough and last year I set that flag down on that hill and I was ready for our marriage to die on it. No more would I help with his kids, I simply refused to live with the last one. You can look at prior blogs of mine but that was it in a nutshell. 

Being compatible is great, but not seeing eye to eye on parenting is arguably more important. Your SO has allowed your privacy to be violated, and his firstborn to drop out with no plans for much else. You already tried talking to him and you say he gets extremely defensive. You're asking how you can have a productive non judgmental convo with him about this but, I legit don't know how one would or could make that conversation be non judgmental. He's not a good parent, that's a fact but I'm sure he'll take that as you judging him. His son has disrespected you and your home and he does nothing about it really, except say he knows and get extremely defensive.  As long as you don't say anything about those things, no one will resent you. But that's not how it goes for most of us. If your SO is not on board with launching his kids, and doing the work of parenting, you either have a really long rough road or you're going to have to pick the hill. 8 years is a long time, and SS has to go. 
 

gimmeabreakkk's picture

SMto3 your SS24 sounds eerily like my situation. That's all he does, all day long is smoke. I'm no prude about that sort of thing but if we have company over we're constantly on his ass. I told him I was going to break his f*cking bong one day. He doesn't come out of his room when his own family is over. Only 3-4 trips to load up his plate. He lingers and paces through the house constantly it IS creepy! 
He couldn't save money if his life depended on it. After he totaled the car DH bought for him he went and financed one. Which was repo'd two months later. I don't believe he made a single payment on it. Catches a ride daily with a friend who was driving about 30 miles out of his way to pick SS up and drop him off. And SS isn't the kind of person who would insist on gas money. Eventually the friend stopped giving rides and SS got fired. Funny how the whole 'value of money' thing seemed like bs before, huh?

Did your DH get money from SS on his own or was it because you pressed the issue on payday? I would ask DH if he got money from SS and he'd dance around it or lie. Maybe I am impatient but I expect progress and results. I always ask HOW are you going to do this? How will you respond if x or y happens? What happens if SS has nothing lined up and nowhere to go come September? Will you choose us? Will you expect me to cave so you can choose your son? I'm to the point where I'll use my own money to put on the table so there's zero excuse to have him in my house anymore. I can be wicked but it's hard to maintain that while spending hours helping pack, loading, and the general effort of kicking someone out. 
 

Someone on here said SPs should rule the world, I think. If only!

 

SMto3's picture

Our situations are indeed similar. I'm not a prude about smoking either but I don't think people need to have habits to the point of where they can't take on responsibility. I've known people who can smoke or drink socially and be financially sound, but my stepson seems to use marijuana to escape his reality on the daily, not recreationally. 
As for my DH, yes the sad truth is I had to stay on him and we had huge blowouts over it. He would definitely avoid the issue or act like he forgot, or have side convos with them and eat their excuses for failure up. He always felt like I was being hard on his kids and never seemed to want to do the work of parenting. Once I saw that (with the help of the people on this site), I lost a lot of respect for him and I'm still working on regaining that and the trust, because like you, he allowed my SSs to disrespect me and our home. But because I'm the adult I was supposed to just digest it all.  We have DD9 together which is a big reason I stayed as long as I did but there's no way someone is going to tell me my DD smokes weed/vapes/does drugs  and me not drug test her. He wouldn't do it.

 
So it was years of fighting and arguing and me pretty much telling him I was at the end of my rope. I was very insistent once that he force SS to take a drug test because percs were the new thing and I just didn't want someone spiraling in my home with a 5 year old. I watch enough true crime shows to know it doesn't end well for a lot of people in those situations. Lo and behold after many arguments DH got the test and SS suddenly decided to come clean about taking percs. Then there were the social media posts suggesting he had joined the Bloods which I showed DH. It just was getting to a point that I felt it was unsafe and DH wasn't being the man of the house and setting things straight. 
Ss was 22 when it all came to a head. I had tried so many times to convince him to go for his independence but he would say he wasn't "emotionally or financially" ready to leave. But he had the finances to party his money away. I was at the point of "gifting" him an apartment and was ready to use my own money to launch him but he simply refused. 

He hadjust met a bottle girl and I suppose wanted an excuse to move in with her so when I forced SO to have him force save, that only lasted about a month before he wanted his money and asked that girl to move in with her. I tried to tell him he was jumping from our frying pan into her fire but he wouldn't listen. I wanted him to get his own place so that it would lock him in more solidly, and to maybe give him a taste of true independence. I KNEW he was going to end up knocking her up. Guess what? Those issues he had, being messy...not saving money....smoking all day....those things didn't miraculously resolve because he moved out. Now he's just someone's baby daddy and father who struggles with these issues. 

DH til this day has a very head in the sand, can't believe his kids do certain things way about life. But at least they no longer live with us so I don't care as much. 

Harry's picture

You unhappy, things are not going to change,  No body else will want these kids, unless there SO Moves in with you too also. It time to make a exit plan  If you used or not.  Set up a bank account in your name only.  You only have access to this account.

Put all the money you can in thus account ....If SK total a car. The new car cost $10,000. Then. $10,000 goes into your account. SK gets a new phone $1,000 goes into your accounts.  Phone bill is $300 a month.  $ 300 a month goes into the account.  
 

In the end bet you have a tidy summer of money after a year. And look at the other way if you don't do this more money go to the kids.  this gives you the freedom to tell SO to go to He$$. , you will be living you own function life. Instead of his dysfunctional life with his kids.    Has to make make you angry that BM washed the hands up all this.  and living kid free with her lover.  She is the smart one here.

gimmeabreakkk's picture

BM  clearly is the smart one! Love that insight. I actually don't mind her anymore, I've let her crash on my couch after driving 15 hours to pick up SD for a week. 
 

DH and I don't share finances or have any joint accounts and my house is in my name only. I can support myself on my own so I dont worry about those things. 

They've never had serious relationships before (probably because of the shit personalities and social skills). You've unlocked a new fear for me!! As if I needed more fuel to get them out. I will truly feel so terrible for whatever poor girl SS gets involved with. But, almost vindicated. I am no soothsayer, but I it's pretty clear SS lack of all manners, consideration for others, lack of common courtesy or respect will haunt his relationships. 

Winterglow's picture

You'd be surprised how gullible teenage girls can be ... and you don't need to have a relationship to get pregnant. One night stands happen.

Winterglow's picture

And, of course, you'll be expected to cover the bills for the partner and baby too .. 

Thumper's picture

Give BF the heave ho

He can takes his kids with him too.

Bing BAM boom.

 

 

Livingoutloud's picture

Wait...  YOUR house?

And you bought it on your own?

You don't have to let his kids live in YOUR house.

Even if you originally thought it's ok to let them, you can change that now. Yes eviction process is a hassle but it could be done. And you can actually evict your boyfriend and he can take all of them with him.
 

I still don't understand why they all live in your house? If your boyfriend wants to have adult kids living with him, he needs to buy or rent his own house or apartment. Not bring them to yours! What the. 

not my circus nor my monkey doesn't really apply here because bunch of these people live in YOUR house. They don't have to! Not at all. It all could be resolved if they all go elsewhere! 

and I am really appalled that a 50 year old middle aged  man thinks it's perfectly fine not only to live in young woman's house but to bring bunch of kids there and let her financially support him and his kids. Does he have no self respect? You were 20 when he hopped on this free ride train? He still doesn't have his act together! I'd be permanently turned off by this. It's just so unattractive. 

oh absolutely you aren't cut out for it. No one is cut out to be used!!! 

 

 

 

 

Kes's picture

gimmeabreakkk - I was SO glad that you said this:

"I will lay my terms out and if he cannot commit to them 100%, then I'll stay home and he and his posse can get lost. I have to remember to commit to getting what I want which is a home without adult children. I have to remember to not shrink my desires to make room for his. I am allowed to want this and it should be taken seriously. Achieving this should be as important to DH as it is to me and if not, so be it. "

I am 66 yrs old and it took me until I was 64 to stop shrinking myself to make room for others.  Please do let us all know how you get on - we are rooting for you!  May the Universe be with you.  

ESMOD's picture

So.. clearly.. in this situation.. you are supporting or at least partially supporting your SO?  He doesn't pay his share of the bills..and certainly isn't paying his KID"s share of the bills?

He gaslights you and preys on your sympathy.. "ooooh poor me.. you could kick me out.. wahhhhhh".. 

compatible? nope.. user.

MorningMia's picture

You have received expert advice here with, I might add, some great language. I love the Kleenex kids comment...and you referring to your SS as Lurch. Bwahhaha! You know what to do. Take your power back!