Giving bm 30,000 plus thousand dollars?

Just to catch everyone up, dh and bm live in a bad neighborhood. I moved out with my littles to give them a better start in life and because I didn't feel safe there. Dh asked for a seperation because we never saw each other. We decided to work on seeing each other more and putting our relationship first but also in the mean time come up with a plan because living apart isn't working. Dh offered bm in writing to double her child support and not try to lower it till the kids are grown if she moves to a better area of town. We set parameters and she agreed. Dh and i will both be moving closer to where bm lives once she sells her house and buys a new one. We are trying for the same neighborhood although we haven't started looking. This allows dh to be as close to his kids as he is now.

Bms house was in disarray so we have been helping her fix it up. The problem is she needs a new roof, has septic issues and needs buildings torn down and disposed of. She also has zero equity since she used it to pay off her credit cards. So that means she needs help with a down payment for the new house. This will cost us about 30 to 40 grand for the down payment and the house to pass inspection. Dh doesn't have the money but i do. My brain rotates from screaming no to yes so dh and i can live together. This would be a gift not a loan and dhs kids will be in a safer area. It was my idea for dh to pay more and that we help bm. Dh is hesitant because he doesn't want me spending my money on bm. I am so torn. I love dh and I miss him terribly. I really want to live with him again. I don't know.

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Oh heck no. So you pay all

Oh heck no.

So you pay all this money for BMs benefit. What happens if your and hubs relationship - already rocky - isn’t recoverable? What happens if BM can’t sell her house? Or it’s all fixed up now and she decides moving isn’t worth it? She’s already broke so suing her won’t do any good.

The onus needs to be on each adult to deal with their own $)8&&.

Nothing good will come of this I fear. Seek legal council on your own - no hubby - and discuss it with a lawyer. I bet they don’t advise this.

Bahahahaha, what?!?!? No way

Bahahahaha, what?!?!?

No way I would ever pay for BM to get a better house in a better neighbourhood. You are NOT responsible for her in any way shape or form.

Dh won't move away from his

Dh won't move away from his kids. If bm moves he will so that he is close to them.

So to keep this man you’ll

So to keep this man you’ll PAY for his ex to move?

Give your head a shake. What does he have to offer you? He’s already shown you that you come in LAST in his life. He can’t earn enough to take care of himself and his children.
He will follow BM but not you?

Go ahead, pay for everything. In fact why don’t you just buy a big house with an apartment attached, over the garage or in the walk out basement.
Then he, BM and the skids could live there and you’d have the little apartment that he could come visit you in.

He would follow his kids not

He would follow his kids not bm.

I just reread my reply and it

I just reread my reply and it is harsh, I’m sorry for that.

No, he’s following BM too. If he really wanted what’s best for his kids he’d get them out of that neighbourhood.
If he really wanted a relationship with you he’d follow you and find a way to make shared custody work.

He’s made his choice. I guess if you can live with ALWAYS being second and PAYING for that treatment then go ahead.

Just don’t come here in a year or two or five and complain how his kids get everything and you get nothing. That when BM says jump, he jumps. That all his income goes to the skids and BM while you have to finance the life you and he have.

You are the classic example people use when they say a Step knew what they were getting into.

Oh yes, you’re right. I just

Oh yes, you’re right.
I just think it will take a couple of years for her to begin to resent it.

Well I understand your intent

Well I understand your intent behind it, no, this is something I would not do.

No too many red flags here I

No too many red flags here I wouldn’t do this. Bm is not your sh responsibility you are he should be putting you first. I get he wants his ex to move but that’s her issue.

In cases like this harsh is

In cases like this harsh is necessary. OP should be thanking you for your direct necessary advice.

OP please take all these responses as a warning, concerns, as an objective third party. I don't care if you are a kazillionaire and 40,000 means nothing. This is about self respect and boundaries. If your DH loves you and wants to be with you, as well as the kids he would have figured it out. Instead he is (actually you are) finding ways to make BM more comfortable. Doesn't any part of that bother you???

Omg agreed It's intervention

Omg agreed
It's intervention time!

StepRightOff flamin' NAILED

StepRightOff flamin' NAILED IT!! I couldn't have said it better myself!

What the hell is wrong with you that you would PAY for your man? That's what it boils down to. Have you no self respect at all?

Good grief! Now I want to shake the stupid out of you..O.M.G.!!

Please don't do it. You moved

Please don't do it.

You moved out, he stayed. You mentioned putting the relationship first but it seems that he values living in the same neighborhood more than the relationship. Most people do not live in the same neighborhood and it works out just fine.

I gave every penny I had to my relationship, don't make the same mistake.

He wants to live close to his

He wants to live close to his kids. I can't think of another way.

What does he give you other

What does he give you other than letting you love him?

How much does $30-40,000 mean

How much does $30-40,000 mean to you? If it's a rounding error, then by all means give it to BM. If it's a lot of money to you, then I would not. Your husband has already chosen proximity to his children over you, even though there are many fathers who don't live in the same neighborhood as their kids and it works out fine. There are way too many risks - including BM never moving so ending up still living apart from your husband anyway - to do this even if you were your husband's priority.

Your husband is still

Your husband is still emotionally tied to his ex. Sorry, it is true. By using the kids as an excuse he keeps her close. 30K? Does she need a kidney or a lung as well?
So she sells the house. She then buys a house wherever she wants after having the dog work done to clean up her old place by you and your husband. You will have no control over that. You cannot control where someone lives. And wherever she lives DH will follow. Does he follow you all over the place? No. He has no intention of living anywhere with you. But he is intent on living close to his kids.
One alternative is for you and DH to buy a house. She sells her place and walks away from the problems. She rents an apartment near you and DH and starts over. What is wrong with this? If the place is such a wreck then walking away would be much better for all concerned. Hang on, this would mean she doesn't get a few pennies out of a home that will probably be gutted anyway.
If you seriously think throwing armfuls of money at this situation will get you what you want then you are sadly deluded. She will move wherever she wants and continue to collect 2x the CS because DH has already set a voluntary precedence of increasing his CS. What of she takes all the money you are throwing at her and just takes off to another part of the state? No wait, she PROMISED. I think Steprightoff has it right. You are grasping at straws even considering this and need help in recognizing your DH isn't 100% committed to you. If he was he would take his ex to court for full custody due to their unfit home environment. But instead he wants to stay close to them and BM while you dance on the end of a string to get your little family back. I predict he will still walk away from you. This all sounds very desperate.

"If he was he would take his

"If he was he would take his ex to court for full custody due to their unfit home environment. But instead he wants to stay close to them and BM while you dance on the end of a string to get your little family back. I predict he will still walk away from you. This all sounds very desperate."

This is what I meant to say. If he really loved you back, he'd ask you to loan him some of that $30K for a LAWYER because he cares about his kids sooo much.

OR, instead of paying DOUBLE child support, he'd hire a lawyer himself and move on with you, his WIFE!!

I'll never understand fathers

I'll never understand fathers who pay TWICE as much for their exes to live comfortably with their kids while the SM funds a lifestyle for him and SM and dad are living in a dump.

I can’t understand this

I can’t understand this either. It’s like these men feel like as long as the first family is taken care of, they have done their duty in life. The new wife has to settle for whatever’s left over. I guess if they know that’s what they’re getting it’s their choice, but more times than not, it’s the old bait and switch routine.

OP, I know you want to get your family back living together but this scenario you’re describing sounds like a ticking time bomb. This is your money and you need to keep it right where it is, in your bank account. Even if you have a awesome job, anything can happen and that can change. That money is for you and your children. Please, don’t do this. You’re not a charity for his ex wife.

I'll never understand the

I'll never understand the women who go along with such stupidity.

OP you are basically getting ready to buy a man. There are plenty of men out there that will love and cherish you for FREE.

If he wanted a separation

If he wanted a separation because of a little bit of distance then you definitely shouldn’t be putting money, time and effort into his Ex’s house for her to sell in the hopes she won’t change her mind. Nope. Don’t be their sucker.

No man is worth paying his ex

No man is worth paying his ex $30,000 to keep him.

Ridiculous. If you have such

Ridiculous.

If you have such extra spare cash to burn, put it in an account for your kids to go to college. It will cut down on student loans your kids would have to pay back if nothing else.

I believe you will seriously regret this plan, if you go through with it. It was this type of rash decisions without thinking of longterm that got you into this in the first place.

You date this man and ran back and forth to his neighborhood for like two years. No problems. The deal was you'd marry and move in with him in the same house and very same neighborhood as he currently is in.

But then you decided after moving in you didn't like the neighborhood (the same neighbor you'd been hanging in for two years) and promptly moved out. Now you intend to 'buy' this man by buying his ex wife into a new nicer neighborhood.

Ok, so what happens after you do the necessary upgrades to BM house, she sells, you all pick two new houses in this new wonderful neighborhood and each household settles down to living happily ever-after. Only it's not so happy. When you and all the kids and your DH with you all live together and the family doesn't blend well? The kids all fight. Dh's kids have troubles making friends in the new neighborhood and school. DH decides your kids are spoiled brats and you declare his kids are disrespectful demons.

Don't tell me 'oh, no, none of that will ever happen to us, we are in loooovvvveeeee and the kids all get along great'.

You have problems sticking to agreements you've made and your DH has made it clear to you (prior to marriage) he would not leave his kids down in the current neighborhood without his also living there. And there is no guarantee this fix-up and everybody move is going to work for his kids to get out of the neighborhood to start off the happily every after trial.

I'll take the 30 grand! It

I'll take the 30 grand! It will be much better spent with me.

Please stop thinking that

Please stop thinking that this is something you should consider. NO 100 times. Never ever give your hard earned money away for man. Never. As time and life goes on things change and one day you will look back on this and say what was I thinking.

No way in hell should you do

No way in hell should you do this, unless you get a lawyer to draw up a legal former loan contract.

Yes you can front her the money but as soon as the house is sold, your loan is deducted from the proceeds before she gets any off it.
Or the loan contract should stipulate X amount per month to be repaid with interest.

Make it a pure business agreement, and if she can't afford to buy a new house she can effing rent, like millions of other people.

This is reasonable as well!

No. Do not give her that kind

No. Do not give her that kind of cash. She can get a loan from a bank. If she can not get a loan, then she is not financially responsible and will probably end up not keeping up with payments on any new house and will be forced out of it at some point and then she will have to move to a cheaper area and you are back to square one.

This is not the right move.
There has to be another way.

Perhaps your husband and BM can pool resources and live together and you can live nearby? Does that sound crazy and ridiculous? Yes? Well so does giving your husbands ex wife $30000.

No man on the planet is worth

No man on the planet is worth paying his EXWIFE 30k so he can go follow her and keep you strung like a desperate, love sick, crazed puppy dog who is paying her own husband to be with her via his ex wife.

Please read and re-read what you are planning on doing until you convince yourself that it's sick, desperate, 50 shades of F'd up and run like hell from this pathetic, emotionally still attached to his ex, excuse of a "man" you are involved with.

I just want to shake you until your brain engages and puke. All at the same time. Good LORT!!!

^^^^^^ this times 1 gazillion

Keeping the money ensures

Keeping the money ensures that DH is with you for you and not for your money!
Keeping the money ensures that you are with a man who is worthy to be called dad/sd by YOUR littles !
Keeping the money you show your little ones that mommy has self esteem to not be emotionally blackmailed!

Ummm...if(and I plead with you to make this a NO) you decide to continue I would
1. See a lawyer about how you can put this thru as some sort of child support. Better:Have her sign that she will pay you back!
2. Protect yourself and YOUR little ones before anything

coffee all over my keybord

coffee all over my keybord and screen....

I didn't read all the

I didn't read all the comments, sorry if someone else already said this- but why won't BM just let the kids live with you guys in a better neighborhood. If it is really that bad, I don't get it. If you have the ability to pay double support and are ok with that why not come up with something like he gets the kids during the week in good area and she has them on the weekends in bad area and you won't mess with CS?

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Giving bm 30,000 plus thousand dollars?

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