How do I handle this??!!??!
I have offered my X every other weekend with our daughter and one night during the week, to have dinner, visit, or whatever. He has yet to take me up on the one night a week (It's been 6 weeks or so since I offered). One night last week he planned on picking her up from school to spend some time with her (she is 4). He said well since I would only have a few hours with her, she should just spend the night. I disagreed, mainly because it was a school night, and she doesn't even have a room of her own there (he lives with his mom). Not that I don't think they would treat her right or anything, but I would like to stick to the said schedule. So I told him, that if it was her time to come home, and she WANTED to stay the night there, she could, otherwise I want him to bring her home. He said that children should have no say on where they spend their time, that the adults make that decision. I agree, except for the fact that it was MY scheduled time that he was asking to have her....Is he out of his mind or am I just rude? Keep in mind he got out of prison for violent crimes back in April and had been in prison for our daughters entire life.
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Would she be staying over on the weekends?
If she's staying at his mom's during the weekend, then I don't think that's a good argument.
Whether the child should be able to make the decision is a grey area. But I think that by introducing these two "pseudo-reasons", you weakened your case. The REAL reasons you don't want her to stay over during the week are 1) you want to stick to the schedule; 2) you want her to sleep well and have structure on a school night. Those are good enough reasons, and they are real, so stronger.
What does the court order say? (Maybe you aren't divorced -- sorry, too lazy to go back and find out.) If you do have a court order, then you have that to fall back on. If the one night a week isn't on the court order, then you have absolutely zero obligation to do anything you don't want to do that isn't in the order.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
No court order
Allowing him to see her out of the goodness of my heart. She has lived with me 100% full time, since she was born. I am attempting to help them build a relationship now that he's out of the big house, considering I know how important my relationship with my dad is.
Well, then, considering his history
He should be damn glad that you are letting her see him at all. I would say, no midweek overnight. Take it or leave it.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I feel that way too...
That he is lucky he gets to see her as much as he does. Part of the reason I am doubting myself, is because I am sure I still have some anger for the fact that he chose to commit a crime that made him miss the first 4 1/2 years of our daughters life. However, I am trying to act only on what the best interest of our child is, not the anger.
He surely is lucky. To be
He surely is lucky. To be honest, if I were in your situation he could pick her up a few hours EOW Sat/Sun and no overnights.
You may be a better person than I.
Why should I let her stay?
I don't see why I should let her stay when in her entire he's had NO visitation? I just think our schedule is a sufficient amount of time, atleast for now.
Assault and Battery with a Deadly weapon
he stabbed someone...quite a few times. the original charge was attempted murder.
Oh wow FSM.
I'm sure you wouldn't let her be around him if you didn't, but do you really think he is a safe person to have around your daughter? I know you want them to have a relationship, but her saftey is #1 priority. I would be very scared.........
And I think that you are going way out of your way to make sure he sees your daughter. Hey, do me a favor, go marry my x and be my sons SM. Because you are a wonderful woman!!
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
Stepmomjen...
I honestly think he is a good man, maybe a little self righteous at times (okay a LOT self righteous), but I think he has our daughter's best interests at heart. He has never been in trouble before the assault and battery incident (bar fight gone bad), but it really affected our little girl, which is where my anger comes in. Also, she has been with me 100% her whole life, I think the time I give him with her is more than enough. And I think in THIS case, considering the past, that she, even only being a 4year old, SHOULD have a say in whether she wants to stay the night there or come home. The only reason I let her have overnights is because he lives with his mom, who has had a relationship with my daughter over the last 4 years....
Good I am glad to hear the
Good I am glad to hear the the grandmother had visits with your BD. That gives her someone to go to on her visits she is most comfortable with.
Uhmmm, I think the more you let him get involved
The bigger mess it will be. Stick to your schedule and your guns. As long as you are not bad mouthing him and are allowing him reasonable access to your daughter, you are doing the correct things.
Reasonable to me, would seem like a quick visit at your house for a few hours on an arranged day at your convenience. He was in jail for stabbing someone! I am sure he has good intensions toward your daughter but obviously he has issues controlling his anger.
Since he just got out of prison, you have an opportunity to set the "rules" now. If you let him disrupt your life (as he has just done) then he will get worse over time.
"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"
Stick to your guns..
and if he isn't happy with the outcome, tell him to take you to court cause with his history I don't think the judge would be as nice as you are being.