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Does it ever make you sad....

futuremrs.k's picture

that you're dh, or in my case, dfh, had a lot of life's firsts like becoming a father, marriage, etc with someone that never loved him. My dfh was married for nearly 10 years. She cheated on him within the first year and a half, they were miserable for the next 3 and half (he went on vacations alone in that time) and then had a child. So, the next almost 5 years were spent trying to make it through for the kids. It just kills me that we can not experience stuff together as a couple that he has not already done. And to know that such special time of the kids lives and his were spent with someone who could really take them (and yes, I do mean all of them) or leave them at any moment. The kids are a "neat" accessory for her and not children for whom she has a strong bond. I already have a stronger connection with these children than she does and I have been in their lives around a year. I almost feel guilty that I wasnt there from the beginning! Completely dillusional, I know, for I didnt even know they existed. It is just sad for me sometimes. That she was at Disney World and birthdays and weddings and in 10 years worth of memories. I love this man and there is no one else that I am supposed to be with, so I know I need to grow up and become a real woman, the kind it takes to handle this situation! Y'all are so inspiring how you handle this with such grace and strength! I look up to you cyber friends!

Comments

Last-Wife's picture

It bugged me for the first 6 years or so, but then it just faded out. I realized she may have shared many firsts with him, but I will be his LAST. I will be the one to share the grandkids with him, to grow old, to sit on the front porch swing...

"I HAD to pick the road less traveled..."

Torn's picture

Ouch.

~Never interrupt your enemy when she is making a mistake.~

~No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~

futuremrs.k's picture

Tired-stepmom, that made my day! You're exactly right! I will be his last! I will be the one for the next 50 years, so who cares about the last 10! Smile Thanks so much!

Torn's picture

Yes it bothered me for a little while. I knew I had to get over it though. Yes, she gave birth to his first daughter. I gave birth to his daughter and his first son. Even though he already had a daughter, it was still very special for us because as a couple, it was our first. Even though he may have had a lot of "first's" with her, everything you two do as a couple from here on out will your firsts together-as a couple- Wink Don't forget that. I know what you mean about the neat accssesory deal. My stepdaughters mother had her children and uses it as a status thing. In her little world where she lives being a stay at home mom(she refuses for work), being a soccer mom, having her kids in ballet all help her weird little status thing that shes going for. She loves to play the "oh poor me, single mom" crap and everyone seems to be falling for it. Anyway.... I know how you feel. I've been with my DH for 5 years and for the first three I wasn't sure if I was cut out for all of this. I'm still here, 5 years later. All you can do is just be there for the children from here on out-there are a lot more experiences to come for all of you Smile

Make your own special memories.

~Never interrupt your enemy when she is making a mistake.~

~No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~

LizzieA's picture

Yeah, my DH was married about 20 years, too, and sometimes I do regret that we didn't get together sooner. I am a real partner to him, she was just there while he did everything, even get up in the night with the babies. We actually crossed paths in our early 20s. If only!

Snowflake's picture

I am his first true love. She was never and I as his first true love gave him his first child born out of true love.

My therapist once told me that to he was basically her "sperm" donor.

anabihibik's picture

I joined this site when I was engaged to someone who had no kids before we started dating. But, then six months before our wedding was supposed to happen, he told me he had just gotten the paternity results from the night he cheated on me. When we were trying to work through it, yes, that bothered me. But, I had concretely planned and dreamed of those stages with him.

I haven't thought about it much since he and I broke up. The final straw was when he said that I would never be able to handle not coming first. His kids would always come first. So, then I asked where our kids would fall in this pecking order he was establishing. He said he didn't want any more kids. I was crushed.

Now, more than a year later, as I am beginning a relationship with a new man, it does not bother me that he has a child. I think the difference for me is what is presented as the package deal in the beginning. I think possible future bf's (from here on known as pfbf) son is cute, funny, and a regular kid with the potential to turn into a butthead. They all have that potential, step or not, I think. Lord knows my God son is headed that way. The other difference between my exfh and pfbf is that pfbf would be sensitive to my feelings, hence he is toward my future and exfh couldn't deal with anything other than a smiling ana because the hole he dug himself was too deep. Pfbf doesn't strike me as the type to dig himself the hole in the first place.

When I had those feelings, though, I found it helpful to acknowledge them and acknowledge that I was entitled to my feelings. And, I also found it helpful to force myself to decide if it was something I could face, handle, and move on or not. Being realistic about that last part could be the hard part.

But, no matter what he did with her in the past, everything you do together will be your first together. It will not detract from how special your first, second, or sixth child may be anymore than his first date takes away from how special that memory is for you.

To every thing there is a season.