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SD Refuses to engage in conversation if SM is in the same room

Frustr8d1's picture

Submitted by Frustr8d1 on Sun, 05/25/2014 - 7:22am

Does anyone else have a skid who refuses to discuss anything that's going on in their life when you're in the room? My SD will sit like a statue glued to the tv (no matter what is on) and doesn't react to any family discussions and doesn't respond to anything I say, even if it relates to her and school. She is such a statue that she doesn't even blink. It's actually a little creepy. Because of her behavior, I've learned to bypass her altogether and talk only to DH about school stuff--hoping that maybe some of what I say might register with SD. It never does as long as I'm in the same room. But, the moment I leave the room to go to the bathroom, SD starts talking and asking DH questions about the very same things I just mentioned. So frustrating. She's has no social conscience, at home or even with kids her age. She does it just to be a jerk. She won't respond. She won't listen. It's like she has this unwritten rule that I am not to talk directly to her if DH and I are both in the room with her at the same time. On top of that, I'm tired of being blamed for her rude odd behavior...she came to us like this when BM dumped her on us full time.

Comments

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Sun, 05/25/2014 - 8:51am

By allowing it to continue your DH is telling her it is okay to disregard you. If she refuses to answer you, then DH needs to tell her it is unacceptable and punish her for being rude and disrespectful. He certainly shouldn't be rewarding her with a private conversation later.

There is no way I'd ever take a child that will not speak to others out. No dinners out, no fun things, etc. I would refuse to go until she behaves like a civilized human being.

One thing I told DH early on is that because of the dynamic there will often be times that he can only make one person happy. If it wasn't going to be me on a regular basis, he should walk because I sure wasn't going to be in a relationship where I wasn't number one. If her needed me to be the bigger bitch and throw a fit now and then to remind him, I could do that.

You need to remind him who the bigger bitch is.

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Sun, 05/25/2014 - 9:33am

I could clear a room of my SK's (2 of them) just by walking in... and yes, they'd stop talking the moment my shadow crossed the threshhold.

And before anyone says anything, YES my DH told them to knock it off. MADE them acknowledge me when I spoke to them. But the question I have for everyone... after you tell a SK (and I'm talking young to late teens) this stuff a gazillion times, is it REALLY that important anymore? And is it meaningful to you when the SK's have to be beaten about the head and shoulders for them to be even minutely respectful?

It wasn't to me. They were bound and determined to ignore me and it wasn't for lack of trying on DH's part. How do you MAKE someone do that stuff. I really didn't care and went about my life.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sun, 05/25/2014 - 11:18am

I would start with your DH. Tell him that his daughter ignoring you is rude and just nasty. She doesn't have to like you but as you pay for this home as well she can show some common respect and be civil..."Hello" would go a long way.
Of course me being me would walk into the room and change the TV channel or turn the thing off if she is there alone. If DH is there ask him if HE is watching the TV and discuss what is on it. I would pretend she isn't even there. And I would not give DH any clues as to future plans or update him about anything so SD can get her news from him.

EG: BBQ planned with family... "DH, I have a menu planned for next week. I will pick stuff up on Thursday. Would you please buy the wine and beer. I think about 10 people will be here."
DH-"So what are we eating?"
You-"Honey, the usual. Plus a surprise dish I know you will love."

You leave the room...
SD-"SO Dad, what are we having?"
DH - "I don't know. Probably potato salad. But F81 is making it."
SD- "But Dad, ask her..."
DH - "No, you ask her."

Just have a 'take-charge' attitude and keep your DH somewhat in the dark and she will break. Or disappear. One or the other.

But I would certainly speak to DH about her ignoring you in your home. Would he allow her to ignore her own mother if they were still together and married?

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Sun, 05/25/2014 - 7:58pm

Yes, this is my SD to a tee.

At first it bothered the heck out of me.

And OH of course does and says nothing - he has the motto "I can't MAKE her like and respect you." so he ignores it.

So. I have stripped her room of everything I ever gave her.

And I do not speak to her either. A polite hello and goodbye and that's pretty much it. I do not let it bother me anymore. If I walk into the lounge and she is there glued to the TV I will treat her exactly as she does me - which means she does not exist. One day }:) I walked right in with my coffee, placed in on the table, took the remote right out of her hand and turned and changed the channel and sat down, like she was not even there. NO-ONE will make me feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in MY home ever again. }:) }:)

She also does the silent statue routine when I am in the room. OH and I will sit and discuss the news, whatever. I get up and walk into the kitchen and she starts up a conversation with him - along the lines of what he and I discuss (trying to replace me) so he answers. The second I walk back in she zips it up again. One day this went on for about an hour. (I was playing with her that day because it was really amusing me - in/out/in/out she'd just get her question/comment out or halfway out and I'd wander back in LMAO)

SS10 asked OH to come outside and help him with something. So she was in the room alone and I walked back in,

I said to her "you know what really amazes me SD?"

SD - Blank face

me - when I'm in the room you seem to have lost your voice, but as soon as I leave the room you find it again, then when I come back you can't speak again. Really funny.

SD - Blank face

Me - But it's ok though, don't let it worry you because I actually prefer it that way. Not having to listen to you.

VERY mean and bitchy - but I've had 2.5 years of her stupid games etc. And I just wanted to let her know that I was well and truly aware of her silly games and that it actually was having the opposite effect than what she wanted - far from bothering me I preferred to NOT hear her speak.

I will say - it's only the last maybe 4 months I have stopped trying to "win her over" and have just ceased to allow her to affect me. I don't try and I don't care. And SHE is acting differently, she still isn't "nice" and respectful etc, but she is less of a bitch than she was. I think when she thought she was "winning" and hurting or upsetting me it fuelled her somehow, by taking that away (and giving her a taste of her own medicine) she has realised that she does NOT have that power over me.