Who's right and who's wrong?
My fiance asked me to watch the skids last night while she went to ladies night. I pick up the kids from her parents house and we went to her house. she went straight to ladies night after she got out of work and text me she should be home at 10. I asked what the bed times were and if their was anything else i needed to know. she responded with the times and that ss13 needed a shower at 9.
Since bed time is always a problem for the skids, i told them both they can have 1 snack before bed and what time bed time was for each. no problems or complaints.
Both skids ate their snacks about an hour later. Then ss13 asks if he can have ice cream. i said no, you had your 1 snack. To this i recieve a text from my fiance saying let the ss13 have ice cream. The ss13 went to his room and texted his mother on his ipod. I texted her back no, he had his 1 snack. ss13 doesnt like or understand the word No. he will ask his mom till she gives in. i dont play that game. ss13 will also go behind authority figures to whine untill he gets his way or pisses the off.
After ss13 text a few more times to his mother whining, i unpluged the wifi internet so he couldn't text anymore.
My fiance and i text back and forth, i told her the kid is fine, i have it under control, enjoy your time away and night out with the girls and we can discuss it when you get home. she text back this is bs and she's on her way home.
We dont live together yet, so i met her in the garage. Shes in a pissed off mood and gets out and is giving me the third degree cuz i wont let him have ice cream. i said he had his Snack, he was told 1. she told me that she said he could have some ice cream, why did you tell him and me no, again. i said i told him 1 snack or he will eat all the way till bed time and that he went behind my back and texted you cuz he didnt like my answer. She told me its not about the principal and that i ruined her night. I said whow, your son ruined your night by texting you and its all about the fact he dont like the word No. I said have a good night and went home.
Was I wrong or right?
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Comments
It doesn't get any better.
It doesn't get any better. Every effing time I do my DH a favor it bites me in the ass. You cant win. Walk away.
It doesn't get any better.
It doesn't get any better. Every effing time I do my DH a favor it bites me in the ass. You cant win. Walk away.
I don't think it's a matter
I don't think it's a matter of what's right or wrong. She told you 1 snack, you adhered to that. SS13 decided to go over your head when you said no to the ice cream and mom gives in and then gets pissed at you for not indulging him.
This is just a prelude to life with your fiance. You will always take a back seat to her children. She's telling you that loud and clear! It's now up to you to decide whether or not you want to continue your life this way, as you know she's unlikely to change.
Run dude RUN!
Run dude RUN!
You were 100% right. Sorry,
You were 100% right. Sorry, she is your fiance? I think if SHE is the one with kids, then you should be doing the guy's night out and NOT HER! If you are nice enough to take care of her kids while she is out partying, then she needs to back you up 100%...otherwise, she needs to stay home with HER kids.
I think you are honestly going into a danger zone here. A mother who has her fiancee take care of her kids so she can go to a girl's night out and then doesn't back him up, but instead sides with her kids, is in my opinion, looking for someone to take care of her and her kids so she doesn't have to do it on her own. It is NOT a mother who found a guy she loves and wants to marry because of love.
Sorry, but that is the way I see it. This is no different than a bunch of men who do the same with the girlfriends.
If you have kids, well, I can say that maybe this is something that goes both ways and thus you give and take. If you have no kids of your own, I think you need to rethink this "great woman" because if she treats you this way NOW before you are even married, wait until you get married and she EXPECTS you to cater to her and her children.
She is basically letting her
She is basically letting her kids know that they don't need to respect you or listen to you. It doesn't really sound like she respects you, either.
What does she do for you to
What does she do for you to keep you around is my question?
woah dude!
Agree with hereiam!! She
Agree with hereiam!! She should've completely backed you up!!! You were absolutely right!!
You need to let her know that
You need to let her know that your expectation is that she will back you up in front of the kids, and if she can't do that, unfortunately you can't watch them any more.
I think that both you and
I think that both you and your soon to be wife need to have a sit down and chat about this type of stuff before you get married. You both need to be on the same page and create a united front or the kids will divide and conquer.
This is called underminding in it's purest form. DH used to do this to me all of the time. In fact it got so bad the SS either three or four at the time literally quit acknowledging my presence. He quit talking to me for six months. DH and I went round and round about this and finally I explained to him that if he is constantly doing this to me that his kids will not have any respect for me when they get older and my life will be a living hell. (I already dread the teen years.) If he doesn't like something I say or do then he needs to support it in front of the kids and talk to me at another time about it when they aren't around.
Things have gotten much better. He slips up occassionally but other then that it's nothing like it used to be. The kids are slowly starting realize that we are a team.
You are not asking for much. You want her respect as well as the respect of the kids. If she expects you to watch the kids while she goes out then she needs to understand that you have the right lay down rules and boundaries with them when she is not there. If she doesn't like it and won't agree to it then I would seriously rethink this marriage. A relationship won't work if you are expected to sit there, shut up, and do what you're told.
It sounded like you did what
It sounded like you did what was asked of you.
As a parent I'd have blown a gasket on his head
Right. As she left you 'in
Right.
As she left you 'in loco parentis' basically in charge then she should have text "what did fireandice say?"
I would think long and hard about your future with this woman. And avoid taking care of her kids in future.
My brother is currently in
My brother is currently in the middle of a divorce from a woman that sounds just like this one.
I only have one thing to say: Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
The conversation you had with
The conversation you had with your fiance is like 100s of conversations my DH had with BM while the kids were growing up. When my DH tried disciplining, BM acted like your fiance. The kids "sided" with her and vice versa, and it became a mess. My DH tried to set boundaries, but he gave up. He spent years being abused by BM, and now the kids continue the abuse.
The "kids" are now 19, 20, 23. They do not believe rules apply to them. Only one works-pt. They have no values or morals. The daughter is extremely overweight, because BM "shut her up" with fast/junk food. These young adults think they can do no wrong. They are REALLY bad, and even though your fiance's kids may never get like them, what your fiance is doing is WRONG. They will never understand how the real world works. My DH's kids have NO coping skills.
Until your fiance changes, you are in a losing battle. And you are already the bad guy. This does not bode well for your relationship.
DO NOT get married until you see BIG changes, and make sure the changes have been in place for a while. If you get married soon, you will be miserable.
My kiddos get in BIG trouble
My kiddos get in BIG trouble if they text me, say when I'm at work, while dh is home (he's their stepdad)to try and get their way with something. If one of my kids interrupted my day/evening or whatnot for a bowl of ice cream when they already had someone in charge of them that had already given them an answer I would have been livid. Not at my dh-at the kid who was wasting my time. The kid was being entirely manipulative and your fiance totally feel for it. SAD. And we wonder why our kids today are so spoiled and manipulative? Because IT WORKS for them!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
since my fiance and i had a
since my fiance and i had a big blow up 3 weeks ago, i've adopted the moto " not my kids, not my problem'. her x never let her go out with her friends, i thought i would be the Nice guy. I see were that got me. I have decided if our relathionship continues, that i WONT watch the kids. no, sorry, not gona happen. burned me once, their wont be a second chance.
But what will happen when you
But what will happen when you get married...you will be around her skids, living with them, nothing will change. You will have to entirely disengage from then, but believe me, you'll still be mad all the time when you see her enabling them. there is nothing harder than to sit around and watch someone enbaling their kids, and not be able to say a word!
I completely agree. And there
I completely agree. And there will be resentment on the part of the OP. It is not a good situation.
This will get worse. SS just
This will get worse. SS just learned that he won by circumventing you to mom. She was played and she turned on you....Run now....
You were absolutely right and
You were absolutely right and this will probably not improve.She is not only allowing her kid to disrespect your authority-shes encouraging it.Bad bad way to start a relationship.
I believe a person is never
I believe a person is never more emotionally charged when that person is "protecting" their child. Are you a big bad meanie that justified the type of response your fiance had? NO!
Your fiance was so inappropriate in her actions and everyone here is talking from many years of experience when they say that she has shown her true self to you.
Even if she tried to explain this away... PLEASE,PLEASE ...be aware that she has already spoken loud and clear on where you fit in this craziness if you stay!
It gets better. we had a talk
It gets better. we had a talk on the phone last night. i dont know how, but when we were done talking i was the bad guy. :jawdrop: she was mad at me because i told my fiance 4 times that i would no give the ss13 his ice cream. she said i disrespected her and here authority. i said wait a minute, what about the fact that he asked me, and i said no and then he text you. what about my authority? She told me all i had to do was make sure they got in bed on time, play with them, and that the house dont burn down. i said ok, the fire alarm has a new battery and you can micro-manage the rest with your phone. you don't need me. WTF ?