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Sorry- I can't help it.

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Wed, 06/06/2018 - 2:59am

It is the the X's (formerly The Ostrich's) birthday today. He is 65. This is the day he can officially retire and I was going to mark it by taking him on a river cruise on a lovely boat. I'm sorry but I can't help but indulge myself in thinking about what may have been. I posted on here about sending him a card but decided not to- now it is too late anyway. I am going out to lunch with my sister and her husband but won't mention it to them, although they may know anyway. I will raise a silent toast to him and the good times we had. These are not rose-timted glasses, this is accepting that it was for years, a wonderful relationship and nothing can change that.

As some people suggested, I am going to donate to a sight charity and also to the waterways. I have to remove my ego from this.

I have moved on in only ten weeks- I may now have a house to call my own I will move into in a few months. I have my health and, I hope, my sanity. I have my family, friends and my important work. I have freedom from the toxicity that was Steplife. If we had been together it would have been hard because of them, and I would have had to stand by and witness their disregard of him and anything other than his money.

I don't know how he will spend his day- maybe he has chosen to carry on working, maybe he has retired and given a large portion of money to his offspring, maybe he is glad I've gone- maybe he feels sad too- who knows?

Yesterday I should have gone back to the house to collect some things but for the first time I couldn't bring myself to do it- tomorrow I will have to... but for today I am going to have a very short pity party courtesy of Steptalk. Soon the house will no longer be ours and the ties that bound us will be cut- then I really will be saying good-bye to the last remnant of my old life. Thankyou for being there through it all with me.

Comments

StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Wed, 06/06/2018 - 3:09am

Hey Fairyo, glad you posted. Very proud of you, and glad this phase is just about done for you. 

I like your reflections, seems healthy & sane. I'm glad you're listing the positives, experiencing your feelings while not letting them take over your logic, making lunch plans to be with your sister & BIL, etc. Sounds like you are taking care of yourself and not isolating or letting any crazy thoughts run your show. 

I hope you sleep well & have an excellent Wednesday. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Wed, 06/06/2018 - 5:23am

Do what you have to do to make it through the rough days. I cried at my first holidays without XH, our would-be anniversary, the day we got divorced, etc. Not because I missed him, but out of mourning for what was lost because there were good times.

Remember, all because you NEEDED to leave doesn't mean you WANTED to leave. There are negative emotions in doing things we need to do when we don't want to do them, and those feelings cause wounds that take time to heal.

Moving on doesn't mean you forget everything and it having no effect on you. Moving on just means that you accept it is over and build a new life, even though it hurts. It's healthy to have days of mourning and pity parties. Just like mourning anything else, there will be good days and there will be bad. Today is a bad day. Good news is that, as you build a new life, the bad days become less and less frequent.

So make your silent toast to what was and whisper a silent prayer to him into the universe. Then tomorrow, go live YOUR life how YOU see fit.

((hugs))

Ispofacto's picture

Submitted by Ispofacto on Wed, 06/06/2018 - 5:27am

Aw, hon, I wish I was there to give you a hug.  I don't always respond but I have been following your story.  You are a class act and deserve the utmost happiness.  I'm glad you will be getting some closure soon.  You are loved.

disrestep's picture

Submitted by disrestep on Wed, 06/06/2018 - 9:47am

Cheers to you Fairyo for taking charge of your life and removing the toxic skids and non-supportive DH from your life.

What you did is something I think many people would have a hard time doing. You have such inner strength.

I wish you all the best. Take care.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Wed, 06/06/2018 - 11:50am

to treat YOURSELF!!!  Toxic-free AND more cash to boot!!

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Wed, 06/06/2018 - 11:51am

Thanks to you all- after a bit of  a weep this morning I got on with my day and for legal reasons to do with the house sale I had to message the X anyway- so I was given the opportunity to send a short birthday message  that was just between me and him, and in the message back he thanked me.

I enjoyed the lunch out with my sister and her husband and found their bickering in the car very entertaining- made me realise how lucky I am to have no more of that stuff!

I am sure it will be an amicable parting and we can both get on with our lives with no bitterness or rancour.

Thanks for your messages and kindness, lots of ((((hugs)))) to you all!