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New to the site! So happy to find other's in similar situations

evilstepmummy's picture

Submitted by evilstepmummy on Tue, 06/22/2010 - 9:36pm

Hello everybody

Im so happy to have found a group of people that share the same experiences that I have been, I look forward to sharing thoughts and tips on how to deal with issues or just make life a little easier,

heres A brief history on myself:
I am a step mother of my wonderful 4 year old stepdaughter. My H and I have been married for 2 years. We met when my step daughter was 3 months old. My H and BM were never married nor did they ever have a relationship. My SD was the results of a one night stand.
The BM and my husband have had problems since day 1. Never ever gotten along. BM and myself started to communicate through phone calls when my SD was 9mnths old. When she initially found out I exsisted she threatend my H to leave town and that he would never seem his daughter again. Aparantly I grow on people and she didnt leave town (kick myself in the @$$ now...) BM has always been a very emotionally distraught person sometimes shes up sometimes shes down. My husband had regular access to his BD for 2 years I even took care of my SD while the two of them were at work durring the week for a 6 month period. BM came to our wedding with her BF at the time with little tono problems. When my H and I returned form our honeymoon my H called BM to see if we could pick SD up. BM said no with no reason.. blah blah blah 2 months go by and we dont see SD AT ALL! My H in the meantime tells BM he wants mediating = no go so the H says he will be going to family court to get access so starts the pretty much every month visit to family court. There is a set schedule for visitation seeing how my H has crazy work hours now. now we go to court to deal with all the accusations that are being thrown at us. if you can think of the worst thing to be accused of times it by ten and thats what we are dealing with... its a nightmare, worst part is what its doing to my SD, she has been showing signs of rstress for past 2 years and her BM has no problem bashing us and telling her that our family is bad and she will get in trouble for loving us and playing with us and that our house is bad and that we want totake her away from BM, not even close we believe that she deserves to have a Healthy relationship with her BM just want my H to have access and rights in regards to his child and not be publicly accused of horendous accusations and have his child think he is a bad man, no little girl should grow up in this enviroment. Children need stability and we try to give her that when she is here. SO hard to undo the brainwashing......I just want to scream!!!stressful on our marriage. being angry towards BM and taking it out on eachother... mainly me on H.. im more of a vocal person... lets just say BM and I should never cross paths in a dark alley.. So thats kinda the deal on my little slice of pie. man I could go on.. So HARD to deal with just this area of life let alone anything else thatmay fall apart at the same time,

Sorry to have blabbed for so long folks! forgive me, hope everyone is having a stressfree day and enjoying the 2nd day of summer!

Comments

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 06/23/2010 - 3:58pm

Welcome. I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some good advice from others navigating the difficult journey of blended family life.

I know it is difficult but your DH is doing the right thing by keeping BM in court or meeting her in court if she initiates. IMHO of course.

It took us several years to get them under control but we had a similar journey with our son's (my SS's) BioDad and SpermGrandMa. My wife and I married when SS was 1yo. He is now 17. Early on SpermGrandMa was the financial backer of BioDad's efforts to gain custody or as much as 26wks of visitation per year. Prior to our marriage my wife would fight them by taking out supplemental school loans for her attorney costs.

Once we married my income leveled the playing field financially. Once my wife graduated with her BS and we both went on to grad school we eventually got to the point where we had the insurmoutable big financial stick to beat the snot out of them with when they got stupid.

I understand your frustration with being a Sparent and with the tensions it causes between you and your DH. It won't go away. However, it is much easier to deal with when you and your spouse sit down and hammer out how you are going to work together to counter BMs vitriolic crap and provide your daughter (yes, she is YOUR daughter since you appear to be the only sane mother figure she has). It took my wife and I a while to get there but we finally did.

I finally told her that I had to insist on being an equity parent to both she and BioDad since I am SS's full time dad. Eventually we worked it out between us to ensure we maintained a united front in dealing with our son (my SS) and in countering the toothless moronic crap of BioDad and the SpermClan.

Welcome and good luck.