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So... why is BM here?

.Em.'s picture

Submitted by .Em. on Sun, 09/22/2013 - 10:33pm

SO has always said... "She was put in my life to have those 2 kids and raise them" Ha. Um... Those 2 kids were put in your life because neither of you were protected even though he knew he was never going to marry this woman and was sure she was not the one. Aaannd what did you get out of that? A constant bitch of a BM, always wanting it her way... oh AND those 2 beautiful kids.

Don't get me wrong, I love my skids Smile

Comments

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Mon, 09/23/2013 - 4:41am

I get what he's saying. No matter how much he may dislike BM now, without her, he wouldn't have his kids.

May DF says "I love my kids to death, I just regret having them with her"

It's pretty common for both men and women to say their children are the best thing to come out of their failed relationships.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Mon, 09/23/2013 - 5:44am

and it's soooo hard for the new spouse to somehow overcome, or give him something better (or at least equal to) this God-given, beautiful "gift". how in the world is the smom supposed to compete with that? especially if she doesn't have kids with her dh? we rarely, IF EVER see them as a "gift". we see them as people coming into our lives trying to steal resources from us, see them as baggage to be tolerated I order to stay with the man we love. granted, we may love skids, but it would be very hard to love them unconditionally while their other parent is on the scene. there are automatic conflicting goals. the ex's goal is to provide as much as she can for her already created family, while the new spouse's goal is to provide for her new family and keep available resources there. it's terrible to see extra resources of the new family go to the already created one. I think it's vitally important that the new dh realizes he is creating a new family when he re-marries and that the remaining resources (after his child support obligations and legitimate NEEDS of his children are taken care of) stay within his new family. it's probably best to steer clear of men with kids, unless he's a widower and you're looking for a ready made family. resources would then stay in that family, no conflict (about that anyway). but anyway, I think it's very rare a new spouse would see skids as anything other than a mistake (just like the relationship that created them). although we'd NEVER think of our own kids that way! ha! he'll never think of his kids that way.

.Em.'s picture

Submitted by .Em. on Tue, 09/24/2013 - 4:10pm

This really hits home. It's exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm always trying to compete with his kids, and not having children of my own makes that very difficult.
I see BM in SD's face. She acts just like her... her facial expressions. It's so hard sometimes took look at her just as a child when all I see is BM. But I still love her, regardless. I just don't know how to overcome BM ALWAYS being there. Even when she's not there, because I see her in SD.

Cocoa's picture

Submitted by Cocoa on Wed, 09/25/2013 - 2:59pm

I don't think we EVER totally over-come it. we tolerate it, for our marriage. we have neighbors across the street that I can't stand. their kids are just like them, so I don't like them either. not their fault, but the parents are their role-model. just because these skids are PARTIALLY our dh's, the best we can do is tolerate. if you find love in you for them, you're way ahead of the game. but, the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree. I hate it myself, but nothing I can do short of divorcing my dh. accept, accept, accept, tolerate, tolerate, tolerate and breathe deep. I find I hold myself back a lot when it comes to skids, not let them get too close. i'm kind and polite. they seem to like me. that's the best I can do.