Of course it is not the 3 year old's fault - but it is only natural for you to trigger over seeing him now that you know your partner has been cheating with the child's mother. Triggering is NOT the same as blaming the child for his father's assholiness.

My DH slept with BM YEARS AND YEARS after their divorce and the POS SS30 was the result. I was no where near this sh*t storm. I arrived a couple of decades later. And DH had been married to his 2nd wife for about 15 years in between this and meeting me.

But yet I could still "trigger" over SS30's very existence. Now I despise SS because he is a violent ahole alcoholic who has violently attacked women and the elderly (and both of his parents). He's a total waste of space who should never have existed. And I blame DH and BM for having an unprotected sex ONS just because they were horny. Aholes both for doing that. Yeah it pisses me off.

Part of me thinks that DH was a moron for producing SS. But I do not blame him or BM for SS30 being such a disgusting ahole - that's on him alone.

But the facts are:
I wish SS30 did not exist.
I wish SS30 did not exist because he is so horrid - not because DH slept with BM.

I don't think it sounds like you blame the kid, but I understand feelings of resentment having to watch him after knowing your hubs cheated with his mother. My ex and I were divorced for several years and got back together a couple of years ago. Not long after, one of the crazies he dated when we were apart decided she wanted him back. She didn't get him back, but she did get him to screw her, and now there's a baby. She went to the state for child support right away, and now he is in the middle of a court case to get visitation. She didn't have to pay a dime to get support started, but he has to pay through the nose to get visitation started. Go figure. Anyway, we have been planning to remarry for some time. I am not looking forward to being the stepmother to a child who was created to try to break up my reuniting family. But it is what it is.

Best of luck to you.

You need to go into couples therapy immediately. Bounderies with the BM need to be set up, and there needs to be transparent bounderies made.

It would seem that you are feeling angry at the existence of your ss because if he wasn't in your lives, then there would be no more tie to BM. Although it isn't the kids fault, I am sure it won't help that the bm will be trying to sabotage your relationship with the child. Your best bet would be to completely disengage with the child for now. Meaning that you aren't mean or angry, but you let the father take care of his needs.

i really feel for you, and I hope that you and your dh can make it through this. He needs to explicitly let the bm know that his personal relationship with her is over. It may piss her off, but it needs to happen. If she wants to play games with her kid and visitation that is in her. She can not be allowed to destroy his relationship with you and possibly breakup his family because of her selfish needs. She should be no longer in his life. If she can't handle it, then arrangements need to be made to have transitions with the child made elsewhere.

This is all on your dh though.

I personally feel cheating is an unforgivable act, yet the fact that he cheated with the BM? That is an even worse betrayal. There you are building a family including his child from his previous relationship and hes not over that relationship yet and jumps back into bed with her?

Sorry if I sound harsh but I think you are insane to consider keeping your marriage. Good luck explaining to the kids when they are older when BM has been drip feeding SS dirty details.

You owe it to your children to set an example, this is the 21st century, there is simply not the same stigma attached with divorce as in the past. Besides if anyone did pass comment, your openness that your husband decided to shag his ex would quickly give you the understanding that you seem to think you need to end the marriage.

End of the day our children look to us to show them what is acceptable, both in terms of behavior in friendships and in romantic relations.

And yes if you leave him then you will have to allow visitation for him to see your child/ren but if thats the only reason keeping you in this relationship then you really are doomed.

OP - after my divorce, I got involved with a much older man. I thought he was the most amazing thing in the world and I could not believe that he picked me.

He preyed on my insecurities and image issues. He wined and dined me and took me all over the world. I stayed with him for 8 years. For probably 6 or so of those years, he was on Match.com and was hooking up. I discovered it a few times, and each time he promised it would never happen again, then blame something I did for "driving" him to cheat.

I was fuc*ed up, and trying to deal with being a working single mother and I thought his "protectiveness" was proof that he loved me. My kids were little, 5, 5 and 9 when we started dating, and I always thought that I kept the ugliness and abuse away from them.

I didn't. I didn't know that many times while he was verbally abusing me or physically throwing things at me, my kids were sitting on the stairs, trying to decide if they should call the police. I didn't learn about this until many years after the abusive asshole and I broke up.

My dad was a cheater. I knew all about it. I was the one who told my mom.

Kids know. They always know. Take your child and find a safe haven.