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Where do I stand?

Dsears's picture

I'm getting ready to move to a new place with my bf and 12 year old son. I have opened a collage fund and upped my life insurance. I'm worried about my stepson's grades in school cause they had dropped after his mother abandoned him and his dad. I feel he should be back on track now. But his father is still making exscuses for him. I don't want to be mean but I don't want the kid to miss out on collage and sports. What can I do to make my stepson understand I am just trying to help him so his future is a good one?

Comments

Jsmom's picture

Why are you taking care of a college fund for your SS? That is on the parents. You are setting yourself up for some serious frustration if you do that and he doesn't perform.

Seriously, this is not your responsibility. If you have extra money to spend, give it to a charity. Let his parents handle this...Way too early in your relationship to take on that kind of responsibility. I have full custody of SS and am in process of re-doing my will and I am not leaving the kid anything. He has a mom and dad.

DaizyDuke's picture

^^^this^^^ I mean how long have you been with your BF.. since SS was a baby? I guess you are way more involved/caring that a lot of us around here to do this. Like JS said... your SS has a mom and dad. Not your fault if they suck and not your responsibility to make up for their shortcomings.

Dsears's picture

His mom isn't really involved she comes in and out of his life.( that causes problems with SS behavior too) I've been with his father 1 1/2 years and we are planning on getting married. His dad don't have a lot of money so I thought I had better start a collage fund or my SS wouldn't even have the option to attend collage.

oneoffour's picture

Your job is to be a good person and good influence on any children in your world.
It is NOT your job to provide for other peoples children if you die. Nor is it your job to provide a college education for this boy. He is not your son or your responsibility! Where did you ever get the idea that it falls on YOU to provide for him in the future? Is this a condition of moving in with your SO? Maybe your SO has told you not to pay any utilities or rent/mortgage but put the money into a college fund for his son in lieu of living expenses??? And why would you provide accomodations in your life insurance for this boy who has 2 living parents?????
You are definitely opening up a world of hurt and already feeling it pinching your toes. What if you and SO break up? What happens if SO dies? Are you going to continue to provide for this boys college fund if he lives full time with his mother and you never see him?

Maybe you need to let us know why you are committing your finances to the raising of this boy when his parents are both alive and able to take care of him. As step parents we do not always see eye to eye with the decisions our partners make. But at the end of the day the PARENTS make the final call, not you. And frankly you may find this boy to not be college material until he is in his mid 20s. So you think you will have no problems contributing to his college fund while he messes around through high school and treats you like a piece of crap because you are not his mother.

Dsears's picture

I just thought as a stepmother I too am responsible for my SS. I want to be able to leave my SS something when I pass away as I don't have any children myself. I guess I just want to treat him as if he were my own. I guess I'm over compensateing since his mom isn't around.

Cocoa's picture

were you in the market to adopt a child? cause this one already has 2 parents. honey, you are doormat waiting for someone to walk on them. i'm sorry to be mean, but you need to wake up. do you ever plan on having your own kids? if so, save that money for THEM. this man isn't even your husband yet. may i ask how old you are?

Dsears's picture

I truly never thought about it this way. Being an orphan myself at 16 I wanted to give my SS the things I never had. And yes my BF and SS would benefit 75% of my insurance my 3 brothers would get 25% as I am going to be living with my BF and SS. I guess I don't think of the bad things that could happen. Never even crossed my mind.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Why don't you start by encouraging the boy's father to open a minor savings account first, if he doesn't already have one. Then maybe after you get married, you could think about rolling it in to some kind of college fund.

In regards to the life insurance, you can leave your money to whomever you want but if it were me, I'd at least wait until I was married to the guy.

Dsears's picture

I understand and thank you for your opinions this has opened my eyes a little wider and I will definitely suggest the savings account and stop the collage fund. But the insurance I'll leave alone we r planning our wedding for October 2013

Cocoa's picture

how will you and your bf be paying the bills? will you be paying more than your share? do you have more $$ than he does? is your future secure (retirement)? who pays when you go out? have you talked of marriage? lots of unanswered questions. a big red flag is that your bf is making excuses for his son. sounds like he should be considering your wishes at the minimum ESPECIALLY with what you are willing to do for his son financially. i wouldn't even THINK of moving in with them until at least this one issue is resolved, and each of the above questions are answered. you need to determine whether or not this man is using you first. maybe you have already, but all we have to go on is the minimal information you have given us. and then after all THAT, the ex is still alive and will make your life hell. i could see doing all you want to do for the son, if all the questions were answered, if the ex was dead. but never in a million years as long as both parents are alive.

Dsears's picture

We are going to split the bills 50/50 my retirement fund is good and yes I make more $ but he pays for everything for his son as far as food, cloths, sports, anything and everything I figured since I don't have that extra exspence I could start a collage fund. We r going to get married and are saving for our dream home together. I just figured since my bills will be less when we move in together I could do good with that extra cash. My life insurance isn't more then 3 years salary for me so I don't think I'm worth more dead then alive.

helpmenotkillthem's picture

I am in a situation where I make more as well. My one suggestion is once you dip your foot in the water, its hard to dry off. Meaning, you may be shooting yourself in the foot putting out money like that.. it leads to more. Dont bite off more than you may want to chew until things are solidified and its been more than 3 years... Ive alreday made all the mistakes... nothing worse than floating a family, you could be stuck..