I am going through something similar with SD6 though DH has primary custody so she lives with us full time. I met her when she was a few months past her third birthday and almost instantly knew there was something off. It has taken years of pushing and prodding and demanding that various providers pay attention and listen to us because, like Timmar, we kept being told everything was fine, it was all in our heads, my expectations were too high.

Part of the problem with girls is that girls are diagnosed much less frequently than boys. I think it is actually in the neighborhood of boys being diagnosed 3 to 4 times more frequently than girls. Autism spectrum disorders were thought to be much rarer in girls but now new research is suggesting it isn't rarer in girls it just presents differently and unfortunately, a lot of providers, teachers, pediatricians, etc. are trained to recognize the classic "Rainman" signs of autism but not the subtler signs that girls often show.

Hell, I told the pediatrician that I was concerned about SD being on the spectrum and told him about all the sensory issues, meltdowns, developmental delays, and other signs I was seeing so he looked at SD who was sitting on the exam table and said "turn around and lay down on the table" and she did so he looked at me and said "see, she doesn't have autism, she can follow directions." Ummm....you have no idea what you're talking about.

The problem with some of the more high functioning kids is getting providers to listen to you and take you seriously rather than blowing you off. It has taken 3 years of me pushign DH, the pediatrician, the teachers, the therapists, everyone to sit up and pay attention to get us to this point. We had an ADOS test last year that said she didn't have autism but that she showed enough disability to qualify for 9 months of speech and occupational therapy and that she has sensory processing problems. A psychiatrist diagnosed her with ADHD, anxiety, PDD-NOS, and a language disorder early last year but the therapists disagree and we can't get any help for the behavioral issues because everyone just shrugs and says "oh it's behavioral." We finally got an appointment for a neuropsych evaluation in two weeks so we should finally get some answers then.

So to answer your question no, most kids are not diagnosed at 18 months to 2 years. The most severe are but there are a bunch of kids that fall somewhere on the spectrum that aren't diagnosed for years or ever. I was talking to one of my high school teachers the other day and she said it was super frustrating to her to see kids in high school age with pretty obvious signs of being on the spectrum (obvious to her anyway) and when she checks the file to see what the diagnoses are and what therapies they have had and such there won't be anything in there because no one noticed it or didn't think the kid needed help or whatever.

It is far from a perfect system.

My ss is 15 and "profoundly" autistic. I use the quote marks because until I heard the specialist say it with my own ears, I would have described him as having a "touch" of autism. So a great deal is in the eye of the beholder.

It should NOT affect parenting time. My dh has 50/50 and actually has far more face time with the kids than does BM. And it's a good thing, too, because he is the far better parent, especially for the autistic child.

As outtahere said, our bm also likes to see SS as a baby. It is his father who has provided enriching experiences for him and encouraged growth. When I came along, I helped with that, too. SS15 is thriving on our watch, vegetating on hers.

Do they tend to like routine? Sure. But routine can easily be Wednesday at Dad's, weekend at Dad''s, back to Mom's on Monday, etc. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, your dh can argue skid will freak out MORE if her routine changes to NOT going to dad's house when she expects to.

Outtahere wrote some especially good stuff that bears repeating:

"Your BM sounds like one of those who wants to keep her autistic daughter very dependent on her and also hurt her ex at the same time. I think that if you are going to court over this then you need to form a case to show how the continued contact between her and her father is helpful and necessary to her development. Trawl the internet for information. Make sure you have an attorney who understands something about AS too. Good luck."

I would also like to say that I think it's a very bad sign that this bm of yours proceeded with testing this girl for lots of very significant things without involving the dad at all.

If you go to court, I would have my attorney argue that the bm is absolutely not co-parenting because testing for autism is a great big deal that both parents should be aware is happening. Why would the bm try to cut the dad out on such a thing? She is demonstrating she cares more about "winning" over the dad than the care and supervision her child receives.

If the school did the testing Dad needs to raise hell with the school for not separately notifying him that they had concerns and intended to test. He needs to show the judge and the school that he intends to be a proactive parent and will not be shut out by school administrators.

Firstly I know nothing about Autism and my comment might be biased because of where I live, I say I think BM has a good chance of reducing his parenting time. Most judged in my parts know little to nothing about autism and how to deal with a child on the spectrum. To me, it seems like BM is going to present the case that her daughter needs special care proven by all these tests and BM is the one who's already been doing it for her so she should be in charge. She will probably also slip in there something about how the girl acts out or is uncontrollable before/after her visits with your DH and it's a disruption to the girl. What are the chances of your DH getting a judge who knows anything about Autism? If her knows nothing, like me, then he will probably believe whatever BM tells him to be true and get rid of the mid-week visits.

If I were your DH I would try to get a medical professional to read the diagnosis and testify that his visits aren't disruptive to her behavior. Maybe even have a GAL get involved to try to prove BM is not co-parenting and keeping him away from SD's medical and school information.

If I were your husband i would say to BM that I was willing to help as much as possible but that I needed my access rights updated on paper and make her sign an updated parenting plan which includes him getting set visitation and access to all medical and educational records as well as joint legal custody. Then get that signed off by a judge then go ahead and get the girl the help she needs.