You are here

SS causes rift when he is visiting

deedeelou711's picture

Submitted by deedeelou711 on Thu, 03/01/2012 - 12:45pm

I don't know why but I feel like a wicked SM Sad My SS is 13 and he is not "bad" he does not mistreat me, yet when he is here it is SO stressful.
First he follows my husband around everywhere, constantly asks when his dad will be home from work, has to sit by him, rubs his head, kisses his dad's hand, rubs his neck and talks like a baby to him.
He lives out of state and we do not see him that much, but it is a CONSTANT argument for my husband and I. And up until about 8 months ago he STILL slept in the SAME bed as my husband an I. FINALLY my husband agreed it was odd and now he STILL sleeps in the SAME room with is on the floor!
When I tell my husband how I feel he says I am jealous and do not like the attention he gives his son and that is selfish of him to put me throught that and he cannot be a good father by ignoring his son when he is here.
i feel like the third wheel and truthfully think that my step son "pretends" like he "loves" me to play up to my husband, he always complains of headaches and stomache aches so I go get medicine I walk in and SURPRISE he is FINE now!!!
Maybe I am just a horrible person and should not be married to someone with a child but my husband thinks it is not a big deal.
HELP
thanks everyone!

Comments

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Thu, 03/01/2012 - 1:03pm

I replied on your other comment on my blog. I would NEVER allow my skid to sleep in my bed or in my room. Your dh, if he is unsure whether this is normal or not, needs to speak to a physician, a therapist, a child development specialist. I really feel like he is hindering the kids' development and maturity here.

While from my other blog you can tell that I am creeped out by ss following dh around-he doesnt do any of the touchy feely stuff or baby talk. I would probably tell him myself how inappropriate it was and I am sure my dh would as well.

If you cant convince your dh that he is hurting his kid by allowing this sort of behavior, then I think I would just make myself scarce on visits.

Here's my example of annoyingness. Dh got the kids up this morning. Then he proceeded to stay in the same upstairs area of the house with all the kids for probably another 20 minutes. Then he went downstairs for about 40 minutes. In those 40 minutes ss went downstairs at least 5 times to talk to dh or ask him something. I just find this excessive. No more than an average of 8 minutes passed before the kid had to "check in" with dh. There was nothing downstairs that belongs to ss, ss did not need to go anywhere at that present moment, he makes his own breakfast-he went down there solely to see his dad-just to see him-with no purpose in mind. It frustrates me as downstairs is our bedroom, our bath, and a family area. We've sorta designated it as our (as in dh and I's) area. When the kids were littler they were not allowed down there at all-except when we had company and entertained down there so ss is definitely used to this being an "off limits" area. since it has been for soooo long, I typically feel free to walk around down there half dressed and so forth-espcially as I was down there trying to get ready this morning. I just feel as if I have no privacy all of a sudden.

AtMyWitsEndNY's picture

Submitted by AtMyWitsEndNY on Thu, 03/01/2012 - 2:28pm

I strongly agree with hismineandours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My DH didn't see ANYTHING wrong with his two daugther's hopping into bed with us, sleeping with us, etc... Well, all of this came to a red hot boiling head in my 8th month of pregnancy.

My SS 5 years old at the time had a fever and stomachache. I avoided her like the plauge b/c I had made it to my 8th month of pregnancy without and complications, did I need a damn stomach virus? I was laying in bed resting, my DH came into the bedroom and laid next to me. Then his daugther followed him in and got onto the bed...he sticks her between us... I jumped up out of the bed, told him to get up and follow me... In the living room we got into a heated argument about it and I laid the law down. I told him that 1. The obvious, why would you put your sick kid in bed with me when I'm pregnant? 2. It's NOT right to have your children in bed with me when I'm not their mother. They lay in bed with your BM, NOT me. 3. I'm uncomfortable with it, I don't want it, It's my home as well and shame on him for making me uncomfortable in my own bed. And, 4. If he wants to share a bed with his daugthers, they can all sleep on the couch together!

Well... Since then, the problem I'd say is 75% solved. My only issue is that his kids come into the bedroom and get into the bed some mornings. I make sure I get my butt right up and out though! I don't like, I don't want it, and I make damn sure that all of them know it's not kosher with me.

I wouldn't even want them sleeping on my floor! The bedroom is for you and your DH. It's your place to unwind, be husband and wife, and see some peace.

If it means that damn much to him, tell him to go sleep with his son in another room.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 03/01/2012 - 1:07pm

rubs his head, kisses his dad's hand, rubs his neck and talks like a baby to him, he STILL slept in the SAME bed as my husband an I

Ew, this is weird! My SS13 wouldn't be caught dead rubbing on my DH and talking to him like a baby.

Since the kid lives out of state how often do you see him? Does he sleep with the BM??

gijimenez5's picture

Submitted by gijimenez5 on Thu, 03/01/2012 - 1:22pm

My SS does the same thing (not to that extreme) but he also follows DH husband around, and acts restless when he is with us. It's very annoying. We see him every other week. Just try to tune it out and be grateful you only see him once a year. Take that time to do things with your friends and have alone time. That is what I have done because what I don't see does not bother me.