Well, That Ought to Change Things, IV
Well, now we know why SD14 was so fixated on spending more time at “mommy’s.”
She announced it last night.
She wants to go to the high school nearer her mother, where more of her friends go – who live closer to BMs.
Because, #1 reason, most of her friends at our location are either not going to the school (for good reasons like going to COLLEGE already) or have announced they are ‘dumping’ the current friend group (tried to tell her that’s ridiculous and you don’t want to be friends with them anyway).
The HS near us is one of the top 5 in the state.
The other one is the biggest in the state, it’s freaking huge, class size is huge, ratings are mid-range.
DH started spouting off stats to her, I leave the table because I don’t want to say a WORD.
Stats don’t sway her of course, because this is a social decision.
I haven’t said anything to DH so far, but here’s my initial thoughts (and some from the past when I suspected she’ll spend less time with us.
- DH needs to not spout stats. Give her real world changes that WILL happen.
- DH needs to discuss with BM. When asked if BM agreed, SD14 did not give an answer. I suspect she hasn't asked BM yet, BM must agree. Be prepared for BM to ask for more CS...even though you think it won't happen, it very well could.
- Don’t stop her. She’ll make our lives hell.
- If she chooses the different school, then she lives with it for ONE FULL YEAR. No changes mid-year.
- DH will not be giving rides to High School. This means that she will have to stay with BM only during the week (we live at least 1.5 hrs away) and she’d see DH only EOWE (will discuss with DH b/c I don’t think SD14 will want to be at our home every single weekend).
- Her room will be offered to SDstb12 (this will be done w/out her consent or knowledge).
- Her room will be completely cleaned out at the end of the summer. Anything she leaves will be tossed. The walls will be painted a color of SDstb12s choosing or my choosing if SDstb12 doesn’t want her room.
- She will not be considered “living” there but will be welcome. She’ll have a room but it will also be a guest room and she will be required to keep it clean. No staying with us for two days, wrecking it, then leaving it a mess for two weeks.
- I will absolutely take over all control for household; if DH doesn’t support me too bad. I will not tolerate a person using our home as a hotel, that will be made clear from the get-go.
- DH needs to make sure SDstb12 remains active with a lot of local friends. She seems happy at the school and at our home and it needs to stay that way. She can get a lot of amazingly good schooling and potential college classes (dual enrollment at our HS). SD14 has no local friends (looking down her nose at them with her list of complaints) and no local activities, no after school programs are good enough for her.
- IF SDstb12 does not go to HS where we are I will give up. I will list the house for sale, we will downsize and move (DH is considering this as well, so it’s not out of the blue).
I’m going to make a talking point list for DH and I because I know he’s going to want to discuss this and I want to remain neutral, calm and rational.
Because I’m done with SD14 – I won’t cut her out but my disengagement will continue and likely be even greater if she chooses to leave.
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Comments
Reiterate to your DH
Reiterate to your DH repeatedly and with regularity "once this change goes into effect it will not change back...ever! WE will not play the flip flop schools and houses game!"
Why is a child getting to
Why is a child getting to pick her high school... I had a friend go to a different High school... My best friend... I asked to go there... It was shot down. Not my choice. Like my goodness. The child isn't in charge of DH.
Sorry you're dealing with the crap!
"Why is a child getting to
"Why is a child getting to pick her high school... "
In some areas this is very common. I live in NYC and this is the norm here. I'm 50. When I went to HS, I was free to apply to any school I was interested in. My parents veto some schools(they wouldn't let me go to a HS outside of Brooklyn). In the end, I decided which school I would attend.
My sister (a year younger)and I ended up in high school on opposite sides of Brooklyn.
Interesting... Mine was
Interesting... Mine was "zone" layout. So you went to the high school in your "zone." If you went out of the zone it was a "non-resident" fee that you'd have to pay... I think that and transportation issues are the reasons my parent declined.
Yes, here it is very common -
Yes, here it is very common - and the school she wants to go to is in BMs district. If it was another district, I'm sure it would be a NO. However, here we are. If the kid was not in a split family in two different districts it wouldn't be an issue.
DH talked with me. It was a
DH talked with me. It was a good convo, and he agreed with the above plan. If she doesn't want to go here then she'll be given a list of changes and expectations once the switch happens. We're also going to make sure SDstb12 continues to be involved.
DH got a little testy at the end saying 'it's not certain' but I reminded him he asked my opinion and he stopped quickly.
I fully agree with your plan,
I fully agree with your plan, if you say NO, she will turn into an evil child, cause that's what she wants and this far DH always gave her what she wanted, Disney Dad...
Thus if he sits her down and get people to talk to her as well, about her schooling, college etc and she still wants to go, and BM agrees, then she goes, but she will not return again, this is a life lesson, once you decided on something you have to live with the consequences of that decision. She can live it out for a year and there will be rules involved once she returns, no she's not going to get her old room back, and she will still have to keep it clean, this is how we operate in this house and we are not going to change just because you came back, life goes on...
Then my other side says, hell NO, I will simply tell her, sorry little girl, one day when you are an adult you can make decisions, now you are a child and I'm the adult, this is how it will be......I give a flying duck about your social life, you are not in school to social, you are in school to learn and to become a productive member of society one day, not to drink, party, tweet and get pregnant.