Episode trois, counseling
DH and I agreed no meeting with BM will take place. DH is going to see if counselor will meet with us via phone conference, me, DH and counselor only. My schedule is very difficult and counseling office is hard to get to ... This was DHs idea, good on him. PAS will be brought up. Finally DH has agreed PAS is happening...and we'll go over some info on it together this weekend.
The last eveing/morning with YSD, almost 14, was not good. We were both home late last night, she knew this. We thought she had dinner already (she's perfectly capable and has made her own food before). I brought her new sneakers to her (no thank you BTW). Said hi. That's the last I saw of her when I went to bed to read at 9. We were home 2 hrs and she never left her room.
At 9:30 she comes up in tears because no one got her for dinner. DH reminded her of our schedule and told her we have plenty of food, why didn't she eat herself...discussion of her age, her knowledge, be resourceful, etc. She comes back at him...you didn't tell me you were coming home...he says, would you have looked at your phone (she has an old flip phone and refuses to accept a new one)? She constantly doesn't look at messages or answer texts...she says nothing. He talks about communication and keeping in touch. How we have jobs that keep us away from the house a lot, adult responsibility. Meanwhile she's STILL crying, like full on meltdown. He talks about personal responsibility, getting older and learning how to be independent...really good stuff. Told her that he'd feel sorry for her if she was younger, but the tears and everything are too much for her age and he will not fall for the "bullsh-t." This gets her on a rant about swearing and he shouldn't fo it, she doesn't like it etc. Just on her high horse. Oh he was mad then but kept calm. Explained how sometimes people will swear, it's not at her, it's not often, but it will happen and we are not watching every word for her. Talked about stifling places that don't allow or outlaw swearing (excellent history/social studies lesson there).
Basically we summarized her tantrum as a foil to BMs. 1) we don't inform her of things and we aren't here enough - untrue, she refuses modern communication and we have jobs that have longer days than BM, no changing them. 2) we don't make sure she's involved...ok then ask, find out what's going on, come out of your room 3) sometimes swear words ..yep, it happens.
This morning she wore her outgrown, literally falling apart shoes instead of the new ones. She said she likes the new ones and they fit but she just didn't put them on. BS. I'm betting it's the PAS, to not show BM.
Happy Holidays!
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Comments
Sounds like you and DH
Sounds like you and DH handled YSD in a masterly fashion - good for you!
This sounds like my SS,
This sounds like my SS, except instead of crying to DH, he texts BM.
One recent text exchange:
SS - "I'm so hungry and there is no food here. Not even bread!"
BM - "Did you say anything to your father?"
SS - "No. We just ate breakfast, but I'm still hungry. I don't want to say anything to him, because I don't want to tell him that he doesn't have any food."
BM - "I'm so sorry about that. I'll have plenty of yummy food for you when you get home!"
You'd think we deprived the kid, but no, we don't. And he gets what he needs when he asks, but he insists on telling BM that he is "uncomfortable" asking DH for anything. This makes no sense because my DH is a total pushover. I have told SS in the past, that if he needs something he should ask for it. I want to tell him that I'm not a mindreader and it's not okay for him to pretend that he's neglected at our house, but that would come back from BM as my telling him how much I hate BM or how terrible BM is, so instead, I just stay away from him while he's at our house.
UGH, alienation at its best.
UGH, alienation at its best. Instead of, "S, I'm quite sure your dad has food, go talk to him or SM," she makes sure he knows that her home is the best place to be.
My SS used to do stuff like this too - not about food, but about the HORROR of doing chores in our home.
Another recent exchange
Another recent exchange after overly dramatic SS hit other SS in the face in front of DH.
SS: "Dad just yelled at me because I hit brother in the face. I'm upstairs hiding in my closet."
BM: "This is ridiculous! Why are you hiding in your closet?! Who are you afraid of your dad or strugglingSM?!"
SS: "No, I just don't want dad to say anything to me."
Meanwhile, StrugglingSM had already retreated to her bedroom and shut the door even before overly dramatic SS ran upstairs to text BM.
Dad should take their phones
Dad should take their phones away.
He did
DH did take their phones away and it resulted in BM screaming at him at pick up that she would take him to court over the phones. Then her lawyer sent a letter saying among other things, “The stepmother’s jealousy should not keep a mother from contacting her children.”
During mediation DH proposed one call a day on the days they are with us (they are with us for four days a month total) and BM refused and insisted on a provision that she have unrestricted communication access to her children while they are with us.
DH has told this SS outright that he needs to stop creating drama with his mother. So, now, this SS will send these texts to his mother and say “don’t tell dad I was texting you” to which BM says “I won’t.” She’s always encouraged them to keep secrets from DH, which is another PA tactic.
Can a judge order that a skid
Can a judge order that a skid can have unfettered access to their phone at a parent's house? What if that is your household rule - no phones or no phones between certain hours? Can a judge overturn that? I'm just wondering because we do no allow SS to bring a phone now or in the future. I do not trust him not to snap photos of my house/kids.
Yes, they can. They can order
Yes, they can. They can order that the child is allowed to use the phone to call their parent at any time. DH's court order said that.
Does it have to be the skid's
Does it have to be the skid's phone? I understand if a judge says that they can call their parent anytime, but can't that be on the other parent's phone?
Probably depends on how hard
Probably depends on how hard the other parent fights and lies about why the kid should have their own phone.
One thing we learned through
One thing we learned through this latest mediation was that DH would have been better off going to court than going to mediation. At mediation, both parties have to agree to something and no one is really making decisions when they are at an impasse. DH approached it with a series of things he absolutely wanted and others he would compromise or give on, BM approached it as a stand-off. After 12 hours with minimal progress, DH agreed to some things he didn't want - including not limiting the phones - in exchange for some things he did want - specifically, alternating holidays. BM has already said she has no plans to follow their agreement for holidays, so we may find out what a judge will do next year at Christmas when she ignores the agreement.
At the last mediation, DH learned that being in the same room with BM while mediating was just an invitation for BM to attention seek from him and play the victim (through her sobbing, screaming "why are you doing this to me?!", and pretending that she was going to be sick).
From these two experiences, DH and I have learned that the next time BM threatens court, he should just go before the judge, because then he'd at least have a fighting change of getting something.
Chef actually put SD, at the time 8
in time out for kicking her brother in the face. They went home and told the Gir who worked as a CPS worker at the time. She sicced CPS on us and used her pull by throwing her weight around, getting the report run up the flagpole in record time. They also bitched about emptying their microscopic waste paper baskets and picking up a few twigs.
She put down "age inappropriate work" on the report
Oh, I think it's exactly what
Oh, I think it's exactly what's going on with the narrative to BM - "no one fed me" "no dinner was there" "no one was home" "no one cares" blah, blah, blah. So then DH (and me) get thrown under the bus because BM believes only SD.
And we always ask SD what she wants for food stuff at our home "nothing" or "I don't know" is the answer. And she never asks for ANYTHING - we are constantly having to ask, do you need clothes/food/shoes/coat/time with friends/etc., etc. And we talk about a lot of things in general, so if she's not comfortable talking with is - who knows why? Oh, wait - what's the narrative at BMs? Daddy's bad. Mommy's good. End of story.