Feeling stuck
I just found this site. What a lifesaver! I've really enjoyed reading other stepmom's stories and learning that I'm not the only one who feels like it's important to be honest about their situation.
A year ago, I moved out of state from CT to TN and eloped last summer after knowing my husband only 3 months. He is just as wonderful as I thought he was when we first eloped except for one thing. When we married, he said that his (5 year old) daughter (not yet in kindetgarten) would be living with us for a few months until her mother got her feet on the ground. I thought this was okay, a small hurdle.
Since then, I've become pregnant and have been responsible for watching his daughter full time. Turns out that her mother has 3 daughters (two of whom she gave to their fathers and one who she gave up for adoption) and she's not picking up her daughter anytime soon (I'm guessing ever). She only sees her once a month and calls more seldomly than that. Her daughter cries to me almost every day. I'm at the edge of my sanity sometimes. Never did I think that I would have to be a fulltime mother to someone's else's child. When I mention that I am unhappy, he makes me feel like the devil. He told me tonight that "the flesh is a hard thing to beat down". As if I am being so selfish just for trying to tell him how I feel.
His daughter on the other hand gets waited on hand and foot. I cook, clean, entertain, teach, and discipline her. I do everything a mother should. I read her bedtime stories, take her to the park and organize arts and crafts. I hate it but I do it because I feel like I have no choice. Meanwhile, I have no time for a life of my own and feel like I'm stuck. I do it all out of the guilt that my husband places on me.
I also feel stuck because I am due in the next month. Watching her fulltime is enough to make me want to leave my marriage, but since her father and I are about to have a baby, I will not leave. As terrible as it sounds, I am afraid that one day I will snap on her for what is not her fault.
My husband tells me that when my baby is born I am not allowed to show him any kind of special treatment because it might hurt his daughter's feelings. I understand where he is coming from, but it breaks my heart that I cannot openly show my baby the unconditional love that I have for him.
Please offer me some kind of advice/support.
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Comments
Ummm, I would tell my DH that
Ummm, I would tell my DH that you will behave age appropriately with the children. And that little girl needs to get into preschool asap.
You may want to remind your DH that he did tell you his daughter would be with you temporarily and as the situation has changed he better get some court order in place to get something to fll back on when the BM turns up to take the child one day.
The only person who can feel guilty is you. Your DH can lay on the guilt but you are the only one who can react to it.
He may be Mr Wonderful but he tricked you into marrying him so he has someone to take care of his daughter. Plain and simple.
Nothing makes me angrier than someone who decieves someone into marriage. A good friend of mine married a guy who used her excellent credit to the max and in the end she had to buy him out of her house (remortgaged in both their names)to the tune of $30K.
I would tell your DH that things need to change, SD5 needs to attend daycare/preschool to socialise properly and he cannot dicate how you will love ANY child or you are out the door.
Sorry honey, his is NOT that wonderful.
It will be only natural that
It will be only natural that you will show special treatment to your son. Firstly, he will be a NEWBORN that will need alot more attention and caring for that your step daughter does. Secondly, it will be your NATURAL child so of course, you will feel more of a bond and even if not intentional, you will most likely treat him differently that your SD. It sounds like you are in a tough spot and married to a "guilty" daddy as alot of us are.