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Hello,
I'm a female in my upper 20's. I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and he has a 5 year old son. His son has been in and out of the picture for our entire relationship. He was out of our life for 1.5 years and back in our life for 1.5 years now. The boys mother is a horrible person that is young and immature. They never had an official court document stating exact custody. She had sole placement and my bf was allowed to see him by giving her a 12 hour notice that he wanted to see him. Well she would ignore my bf and not answer his calls or texts and she would withhold his son from him. Eventually he had a conversation with her that ended with her saying she was never going to cooperate with him and that she didn't want him in her sons life. So my bf stopped seeing him for 1.5 years. When he finally realized that was the wrong decision, he took her to court and he now has shared custody of his son. During the 6 months it took for the courts to decide custody, we all had to see a social worker and explain our lives, and the situation. The mom would tell all of these lies and she would still withhold their son from my bf because nothing was official with the court yet.
So now here we are. I understand that she will always be in the picture because she is the mom. However, I want her involvement in our life to be limited. There have been a few recent situation that have really gotten under my skin. We were at his t-ball game, which she was obviously at too. Well at the end of the game my bf was standing by her and their son for like 20 minutes and they were talking and laughing and looking at pictures on each others phone while I was standing about 50 ft away with my mom just waiting for him to be ready to leave. I thought that was extremely rude and embarrassing of him to do. Now on Sunday we took his son out fishing and we were doing OUR family thing. Well come to find out that he was sending her pictures via text message of us fishing with him. Why should she be included on what we are doing with our family time?
I guess I'm here to vent because he thinks that I'm over reacting and her refuses to see that what he does hurts me.
Not sure what to do...
A little back ground on this too- they were never officially dating ever. They messed around a few times, and she ended up pregnant. She was also messing around with other people so he didn't even know the kid was his until a paternity test 4 months after his son was born.
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Comments
Yeah, SO was doing this
Yeah, SO was doing this joking and chit chat crap with BM when we were first together. He was always trying to "keep peace".
Put a stop to it now. It will get worse. He doesn't need to text her pics of your outings with the skid.
Yeah, he says it's to "keep
Yeah, he says it's to "keep peace". And if is nice to her and does "nice things", she'll be more inclined to give into things.
I don't agree with it. My opinion, he's a kid. If we ask to have him an extra day to take him up north, she should say yes because that's what's best for the child. My bf shouldn't have to kiss her ass for her to do stuff like that. Right?!
He's wrong. All he is doing
He's wrong. All he is doing it setting himself up to be taken advantage of. If he only knew the number of men who have done the same and have failed and become an ATM.
NO! He's in the wrong here.
NO! He's in the wrong here. It's disrespectful. How would he feel if you starting hanging out with and ex...further ignored him in ex's presence? This is no different, period. If it's not for the child, then the child isn't an excuse.
My situation is very similar
My situation is very similar to yours except BF, my DH, was involved from day one and BM was not very tolerant of him. It was definitely her call on everything and needless to say extremely selfish and frustrating until she had no choice once the court order took affect. SS is 2 now and things have definitely changed but I will stress that DH and I often discuss boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. It's easy to accept that BM will always be present but it's hard to determine the boundaries of that presence. Anything we share with BM we discuss first and I think that simple act of respect to eachother keeps the peace - it takes both of us. I stayed out of the child transfers for the first year at least because that is something I felt was between the BM and BF, but beyond that, BF and I were very open about our concerns and tactics and how we were feeling. It is an emotional roller coaster when dealing with this situation and a sometimes irrational BM. If your relationship with your BF is strong then have the discussion and make it clear you do not want to hinder the relationship between him and his son, you just want to be involved in it and want to protect him from potential manipulation from BM. Believe me, our BM is talking about moving out of her situation where she lives with her mom (constant atagonist for all of us) and saying that she will need BF to have son overnight more when she works, which make us exstatic, but we remain cautiously excited and alert when dealing with BM. Again, boundaries are a constant issue and continue to change usually for the good but they are never discussed enough. Good Luck.
Thank you very much for all
Thank you very much for all of your input. I have tons of friends that I can talk to but I don't have anyone who can actually relate to my situation. So this is really helpful! I'm to the point where I need to have a formal sit-down with my BF and discuss what we both want/need from each other and if we are both willing to do that for each other. If not...then I guess it wasn't meant to be. It's very trying on ones self to live a life of give, give, give!!!