not an exit plan but surviving for now

I apologize for the dramatic post a couple nights ago. I was in a bad place and you guys are my lifeline at times. I'm in Michigan with my youngest son, he turned 24 yesterday. I'm feeling much better but I do have to go home by Tuesday to work. I will do my best to avoid the children and my husband by only being home to sleep and get ready for work in the morning. Friday is my birthday and I will be returning to Michigan for another long weekend, my older son is moving from his apartment in to a house!!

My cameras are arriving today. I told DH not to install them as I want to be the only one with access or he will give access to the children who will delete shit they don't want us to see. I took them off of the ring account because they spy on us and because they delete shit. DH would also delete shit because he doesn't want to admit his kids are BAD.

DH wants to stay married but things are never going to change. He is a kind person and wants to be a good father but doesn't know how. He thinks buying them a video game and ice cream is a good dad. He doesn't know the meaning of tough love. The last time he 'yelled' at ss13, not really yelled but was pissy with him was because DH was making pancakes from a box and BM makes them from scratch. She sees the kids 4 days a month. Much easier to be a cool mom like that if you have the other 26 days of the month to live your life. DH cant stand not being the favorite so when SS13 made a comment, DH flipped. Ive told the onion ring story too that BM made homemade onion rings so DH did after the frozen ones were chastised by SS13. I wish that little fucker would go live with his mother. He wouldn't survive a minute with her. She wouldn't come home from work and make 3 meals to please everyone. DH is an idiot and I continually tell him he is doing a disservice to his children and his famous lines are "I'm a good dad" and "you hate my kids"....why yes, yes I do is often my answer.

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Glad you are okay.

I think it's not that he doesn't know how to be a good father, it's that he's not willing to tolerate the bad feelings that come with setting limits on kids. It's selfish parenting, and he fools himself by telling himself that good parents give kids whatever they want all the time. He mistakes being "fun" dad with being a good parent. Sadly, the kids (and you) will pay the price for his selfishness.

Hope you are working on an exit plan.

DH is NOT a

kind person and wants to be a good father but doesn't know how. DH does not want to parent his kids. He wants to be a Disney Dad, who has no regards for you. Buy the kid a x box, give him the ring code. Let the kid delete ring information. Let the kid have CONTROL of the home.
You are here to cater to SS. This is a fight you are not going to win. Two against you.

5 against her! There are 4

5 against her! There are 4 kids.

It does speak volumes that OP can't trust him to put up the cameras or he will give his kids the code. That's not a guy who doesn't "know better", that's a guy who wants to hide any evidence of what he already knows but doesn't want to deal with.

I can relate to you here. My

I can relate to you here. My boyfriend has primary custody of his children. They see their mom 10 days out of the month. I slave for her children only for them to not appreciate me but "wanna go to mommy's" I wanna tell them "I wish you could but mommy was a whore and choose to go out instead of being a mommy and that's why daddy got primary custody" I often try and leave before they get up or stay longer at work just to cut some time off from being around them

WT actual F...

he gives the kids the codes to the ring account...just wow...we have ring cameras all over our house. (We don't trust SS and his "friends" not to break in our house.) The only people with the sign in are DH and I and none of the other kids (my two are adults) have ever asked or even thought about being allowed in on the account.

In my opinion..your DH doesn't want to parent his spawn, he wants to win the popularity contest and be friends with them. You can't be friends with your kids until they are adults. Why?? Because you will make decisions and do things they WILL NOT LIKE. That is being a parent... I don't see this changing unfortunately...and nope your not being dramatic.

SS reminds of my SS when DH and I first married. He thought he could just "order" what he wanted for dinner. After all Beaver would just go out to dinner or get take out so they could get what they wanted. He told me what he wanted and it was not what I was making. Dh swooped into the kitchen looked at SS and said.

You will eat what Halo is making. This is not a restaurant and Halo is not a damn short order cook. Don't like what she is making there is peanut butter and jelly and you can make a sandwich. Don't ever come in the kitchen and think you are going order Halo to make anything. You may ask her to make something for a meal for everyone, but Halo isn't going to make you a different meal than everyone else. Now get out of the kitchen.

That right there is parenting..

My DH parented like this too

My DH parented like this too - felt his obligation to be a real parent was more important than his own fears of losing SS - and he did lose SS. But he can at least say he did the best he could.

I really don't understand how

I really don't understand how the parents can lose kids..BM sees SS less than 30 days a year but SS still sometimes talk about the good things BM does. I don't talk crap about her in front of SS, but I just find it funny.

I for one totally don't mind losing SS to BM though.

BM twisted SS's head around

BM twisted SS's head around so much he barely has any relationship with DH.They talk, but it's superficial. BM had him lying to judges and attorneys and telling them DH was abusive and cruel to him. He didn't speak to DH at all for over 3 years.

Meanwhile, he has a sort of enmeshed trauma bond with BM and basically still lives in her uterus at age 20. My life was much easier when SS PAS'd out, but it's a loss my DH will probably never get over. He was an active and involved parent who now has a son who is a carbon copy of his mother.

Your DH is definitely a great

Your DH is definitely a great father. It's really both father and son's loss. Too bad the kid is probably too young to understand. I hope one day this will change.

Sorry that your DH has to go through this.

Your DH is a good man.

My SS often request fancy feast when asked what he would like for dinner. DH will also let him know when we ask him (SS) about dinner we are only talking about normal options. DH is the one to do most of the cookings so I usually just let him take care of that haha.