need some advice about SD(11)
I recently saw an e-mail my SD (11) sent to my DH saying how she really doesn't like anything about me.
Then while she was chatting with DH she said that if DH and BM don't get together she can't/won't study;that everything was fine when mommy and daddy were together but since daddy has another woman (we've been married for 8 years/together for 10)everything turned
"bad" for SD and SS(13)meaning that he doesn't care about them no more (that's not true 'cause he loves them) that he quit his job to spent time with me (also not true; he didn't want to work nightshifts anymore)that he only does whatever I tell him to (haha I WISH !!) Anyway,she keeps saying that she doesn't want to see him anymore and that she doesn't love him no more and all that other sh*t. she just keeps bad-talking me and blaming me for everything. I don't know if BM is telling her all those things 1)just to poison her or 2)if it is just some strategy to get him back (even after all those years) or 3)if they're just trying to break us up.
This weekend maybe SD and SS will go to DH's mom's house to spend the weekend ('cause Skids don't want to come to my house 'cause I'm there) and DH wants to visit them there.I'll go to so our BD can see grandma too. Now this is my question; what would you ladies do in this situation?
Part of me wants to just ignore the Skids and tell them if they don't want to greet me on their own ('cause DH always have to "remind" them to say hi to me too)they don't have too 'cause I don't want to hear it than.Just tell them that I never did anything to hurt them and that I don't deserve to be treated this way; that they don't have to like me but they do have to respect me and aknowledge me as DH wife.
The other part of me just wants to not cause all that drama and act as if I don't know that they don't like me and just for spite keep cuddling (=sitting next to DH 'cause that's already enough to piss SD off;holding hands etc.) with DH in front of them.
So... I would really like your advice on how to handle this in the best most civil way possible.
I just want some respect !
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She was only 3 yrs old when you and your DH got married?
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
And now this, after 8 years? Somethings gotta be up. Kids always wish their divorced parents were a couple, that's natural. But she would've been too young to remember her parents as a couple.
My suggestions would be have DH talk to her before you go to MIL's. He really should try to find out where all this is coming from, since it's recent(?). Did you have these problems before?
Your DH cannot make the skids like you or love you, but he can insist that they be polite when they see you. Other than that, I can only suggest you act like you're not in on the email, and just act as you normally would.
If she were older, I'd say just forget it. Let her go her own way. But this is out of the blue after 8 years?
It's been going on for 10 years !!
We've been having these problems ever since we got together 10 years ago.The BM was and still is such a b*th !! She has these kids so brainwashed and then my DH has to brainwash them back to normal again everytime he sees them.
The comments that SD is making now started last year when she told DH she can't study without him. DH used to go to BM's house (!!) to help the kids with their homework and spend the day with them. I stopped him from doing that at BM's house and told him the kids can come to our house to do homework etc.. The funny thing is that sometimes SD even acts normal around me. By the way,my DH doesn't know that I read his e-mail /chat messages. I don't know what is causing SD to act up again. She doesn't even respect her own dad.She even wrote in one of the chat messages that: it is daddy's DUTY to give them money whenever they ask for it.DH has been out of a job and just started a new one last week so he knows has fallen behind with paying CS.I personally don't think that any child has anything to do with CS.they shouldn't even know about it;that's between the parents.Whenever I say anything about Skids my DH doesn't want to listen and says I'm overreacting and competing with an 11 year old.I just think he should be straight and letting her know loud and clear that he is her father and she has to respect him. But nooooo. That ain't gonna happen 'cause he's to afraid that she'll tell BM and BM would say that he can't see the kids no more or SD would say that Daddy doesn't love her no more and she says all of that is of course...because of me !
I was also thinking about not going to MIL but I know that SD will see that as a victory for her that she managed for me not to be there and of course BM will be the first she'll call to let her know that.Who in her turn will also be very happy that they managed for DH and me not to be together.
If you want to go, just go. And since your DH didn't show/tell
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
you about the email, there's not much you can do but just be yourself.
Personally I have a huge problem with DH's who are not open and communicating with their wife. The drama with SD18 -then SD17-could have so easily been prevented, if she and H hadn't had their little secret society, with bewitched being left in the dark. But you've made it 10 years, so you're about a million steps ahead of me.
This REEKS of PAS
Just from reading this post, I can tell that BM is a major PAS'er, aka a parent who practices parental alienation syndrome against the other parent.
I'd do some research on PAS and include your DH in the process. There are a lot of good websites devoted to the topic of PAS out there where you can learn tips on how to combat it. There's also a GREAT site operated by Dr. Richard Gardiner about PAS, and you can actually buy stuff for kids there that is meant to help combat PAS. I think SD could also benefit from some counseling.
I agree with bewitched that DH does need to make SD be polite to you. I think she should be able to talk to him honestly about how she feels about the situation, and you, but she needs to learn to do so in a more polite way. Goodness knows I complained to my parents about my stepparents, but I did so in a polite way.
I think counseling would be great for her, because she might feel more comfortable talking freely to someone who is neutral and unfamiliar with the situation.
All great advice
I think you should definitely go, and act like you know nothing about it - speak to them, etc. even if they don't reply. You have just as much right to be there as they do!!
"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912
I am so glad for you ladies to help keep myself sane.
First of all thank you all for your comments. This blog has helped me sooooo much to keep my sanity and not feel as if I'm the only one with these problems! You are right. I think if someone else should say/write those things about me he would be furious! And yes ; the BM has so much influence over SD right now it's sickening. I 'll just keep telling DH to really talk to SD and get her as least so far as to respect me. By the way; I copy/pasted 2 posts that Fearless (not to worry; the part with your name didn't come out) wrote about "Men with kids" and "It's for the kids" and send them to my DH to read so he knows how I've been feeling all these years and that I'm not the only one that feels that way so I'm not overreacting. It was kind of funny to see him turn into all shades of red. He still thinks I'm kinda overreacting and I shoulnd't be reading these stupid things on the net.
Just yesterday I accompanied DH to Soc. Services to try to get an visitation agreement (he never had anything black on white !) and he said that he wants a proffesional talk to his kids;especially his daughter to see what exactly is going on.We'll just wait and see if that's possible 'cause there's a chance that BM has to give permission for that and knowing her she won't of course.
They once had a verbal agreement that DH could see his kids every saturday at her house for 2 hours :jawdrop: (thats what BM came up with and DH agreed so he could at least see his kids)of course under her watchfull eye !!)That's 8 hours a month ! Of course after a month BM started complaining that DH doesn't care about the kids cause he hardly sees them DUH !! Than she just started dropping them at DH's moms house so she could go out and that's when DH would get a chance to see them. BM will get so pissed now if she hears that he wants to get a CO for visitation rights 'cause than she can not threaten DH no more with him not seeing his kids. She'll just have to deal with that. }:) We'll just see how this weekend goes.I'll keep you posted...
He should go for joint legal custody.
Then he can have more of a say regarding major issues, such as counseling, schooling and the like. I'm no lawyer but he'd probably be able to get every other weekend visitation. Have DH talk to his lawyer so he can ask that the lawyer do everything in his or her power to persuade the judge to mandate that these kids get counseling.