Need advice
I am a stepmother (9 years) and a bio mom 1 year. I am feeling very depressed, and I don't know what to do. I told my husband that I want to separate, but I do t think I actually do. I don't want my 1yo daughter to have divorced parents. I think it was just an empty threat to get him to talk to me. He is not emotionally expressive, AT ALL. He has his daughter (sd14) this weekend. He works out of town during the week, and damnit I thought that since I had my daughter I had gotten over the resentment toward sd14. I didn't want her here this weekend.i am so inconsistent... Sometimes I wish I had never married so
Done with children, but sometimes I think abOut what a good person he is. He is a good person, but he just shuts down verbally when we fight. Won't talk at all. He told me I'm the only person In his life that tries to hurt him. I do say things to get to him but only because I'm hurting already from things he does..... Sometimes I think that he thinks that he does no wrong, ever.
I don't know what kind of advice I'm expecting, I just needed to say how I feel.
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Someone, not so done. Stupid
Someone, not so done. Stupid auto correct
Sometimes just getting your
Sometimes just getting your thoughts organized or even just trying to express what you are thinking and feeling is the start you need. Do you think your husband might agree to go to some kind of couples counseling to learn how to better communicate?
It sounds like your anger for
It sounds like your anger for your situation is using your SD as a vent. You didn't give us any examples of her behaviour apart from the fact she is there.
I agree, seek counselling for both of you or just for yourself. Maybe you still have some post natal depression??
She doesn't really have
She doesn't really have behavior problems. I do think she is lazy, but probably no more than a lot of kids her age.
I did have post partum depression pretty bad, and recently stopped takin my meds for it, however I think this is more than that. What I'm feeling right now goes way back to before I even got pregnant. I think I was way too young (19) to have started a relationship with a guy that had 2 kids. I'm 28 now, and sometimes I wonder what i missed.
Get the book "Stepmonster,"
Get the book "Stepmonster," by Wednesday Martin.
It has SAVED my marriage!!! It may help you with yours.
((HUG))
Excellent! I borrowed that
Excellent! I borrowed that book from the library WEEKS ago & I have not opened it yet! I think after reading your suggestion, I will...especially since 1 of the 3 will be spending 2 weeks with me/us next month...Thanks for suggesting it.
Whatever you missed you will
Whatever you missed you will never know. I forgot to buy a lottery ticket last week. I MAY have won if I had. But I will never know. And you may have missed being in an abusive relationship with someone else. Or travelled the world and been killed crossing the road in Spain.
If your DH is out of town all week then when he gets home he just gets thios nagging wife on and on at him. Of course he will shut down and not talk to you. As a wife your job is to create a sanctuary for each other. Now this may seem old fashioned but I believe it to be true. Creating a loving environment will make him eager to come back to you. Creating a hostile warzone will make him VERY reluctant.
Now some men are absolute arsehole players and will use any excuse to chase another woman. But not all men. Most just want a sanctuary away from the world.
See a counsellor and maybe get a med change. Maybe you have some long term anxiety issue.
Well It is NOT the wife's job
Well It is NOT the wife's job to create a sanctuary for the husband. What a load of crap that is. It is up to both parnters in a marriage to be there for each other equally and support each other. Give and take.
I do want to be a loving
I do want to be a loving wife, however I agree that it is not solely my burden. I work full time, and of course take care of the baby before and after work due to his absence. I get the feeling that he has the idea that as a woman, it IS my job to take care of the home and baby. I feel taken advantage of sometimes.
I agree that it is both
I agree that it is both partners place to create a so called sanctuary for themselves and each other but it does seem in this case that someone needs to take the first step in that direction. Otherwise it will continually be a back and forth battle and no one will be happy.
Since you say you are inconsistent with how you feel then maybe you could take some time to yourself and figure out what is REALLY going on, the root of the problem.
I am an introvert so I tend to spend the majority of my time thinking about what I want and what I need to say. So this comes naturally to me. Where as my sister on the other hand is constantly nagging her husband. She doesn't even know what is really wrong or what she wants for an outcome she just knows she need/wants something..all you gain is more confusion. no resolution, no chance for forgiveness.
Maybe you could google "How to argue" I believe having disagreements and what have you is normal and healthy. How you go about them is completely separate and may be why he is shutting down.
You know, that makes sense. I
You know, that makes sense. I think I do just keep talking and talking because he isn't saying much. I don't even know exactly what I want from him, i just want SOMETHING! Maybe if I just shut up...... But I'm scared he still won't talk then I'll be going insane on the inside.
No no, don't just shut up!
No no, don't just shut up! Then you will go freaking bonkers! Just find what it is that you are really looking for and figure out how to bring that to the table. Men are very logical..but women can always beat them at that game, so play the game.
Arguing is an art. I have no idea how you think arguing should be but I can honestly say in the time I have been with my SO I have never raised my voice, I don't have to and if I did he probably wouldn't be listening to what I am saying and I would probably not be saying much anyway. Every couple is different but I can guarantee that if he is shutting down while you are trying to "argue" then this isn't the right way for him. You need to find a new angle because this one isn't working for the both of you.
My SO knows everything about me, I am very open and to the point, I don't let things stir and fester and I certainly don't expect him to read my mind. Little things in a relationship tend to pile up and take over very easily when you hold them in. It's all about how you let them out that matters.
My SO,SS9 and SS13 went on a hike the other week and it seemed like the entire time he was about a mile ahead of us. I kept thinking "He best get back here and spend some time with HIS kids" Well he can't read my mind so instead of letting it go and then exploding about how he ignored me and his kids the entire day (which would have happened) I said "honey I miss you why don't you walk with me" End result he came back and walked with his kids and myself. Problem solved.