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C6arsensult1212's picture

I'm having a hard time allowing my 5 year old stepson obtain a relationship with my five month old daughter. I'm afraid of him hurting her or getting her sick. Everytime he tries to talk to her I get a feeling like a punch in the gut. I try to sit and convince myself I'm overreacting but when I do I just make myself even more depressed and end up making the situation worse. On his mothers side he has another half sister. He told her that he was going to kill her and her father. His half sister on his mother's side turned one in March. I'm afraid he will forget what age my daughter is and try to play rough with her. Or that he will be jealous and act out by hurting her. 


shellpell's picture

Don't ever let him be alone with your baby unsupervised. Stay very close to your baby. her safety is most important.

Maxwell09's picture

It’s your hormones. And maybe even some PPD. Forgive yourself for the mean irrational thoughts like punching the five year old. Remind yourself that as long as you and your DH are there, y’all won’t let anything bad happen. You should let him talk to her and spend time with her though. Alienating him away from her is going to cause big problems and while you’re under the influence of severe hormones, you have to recognize they are siblings. They will grow older and play together. Do not compare his relationship to his mother’s child to his relationship to your child because it’s up to you to shape his feelings towards this new sister differently than his mother did for her child. Have your Dah spend one-on-one time with your SS to keep him occupied and busy majority of the time to cut out some anxiety. 

shellpell's picture

What kind of problems does alienating cause? And what constitutes alienating? I'm asking because while I don't discourage a relationship between SS11 and my 3yr old and 6mos old, I don't exactly encourage it either, because he has been mean and aggressive to my kids when he thought no one could hear/see him. Now I don't ever leave the room with him and my two, not even momentarily. DH follows my lead and doesn't discourage/encourage. Sorry, don't mean to hijack this post!

shamds's picture

I don’t discourage or encourage my kids and skids (their half siblings relationship), firstly their actions have always been negative towards me and our kids, actions speak louder than words (they do not make an effort), bio mum has a negative hcgubm complex coupled with major pas and narcissism, from a higly psychotic dysfunctional family and all 3 skids inherited all these traits to varying degrees. Skids have shpwn they cannot be trusted to be left alone with our toddlers so they aren’t.

i shouldn’t be expected to go above and beyond out of my way to encourage a relationship that should simply exist but simply can’t because of their dysfunction and laziness..

skid in op post actions alone show he can’t be trusted. Threatening to kill a baby and the stepparent isn’t normal and any idiot who tried to lecture you that “oh they must have heard it from tv or somewhere” or its just hormones/stress, my answer would be “great.... if you had a baby now would you happily leave your baby unsupervised with this skid?”, they’d likely be dead silent...

Normal people don’t walk around saying they’re gonna kill babies and stepparents 

C6arsensult1212's picture

I didnt say I want to punch my ss I said it feels like a punch to me when he tries to talk to her. 

sunshinex's picture

It's more than likely just the hormones. I felt the same way when my baby was younger. 

When she played with him, it stressed me out and I often convinced myself little things she does out of jealousy were more than they were. I got so uncomfortable and irrationally angry when she played with his toys or tried to take attention away from him. My son had bacterial meningitis at 10 days old and I was left really, really traumatized so I was constantly afraid of her getting him sick, and if I'm honest, I often wished she would disappear because I was terrified she would pass a sickness onto him that his fragile immune system couldn't handle (he needed a lot of heavy duty anti-biotics during treatment of meningitis, which took a toll on his immune system).

I often thought if she gives him something that kills him, I'll end my marriage because I couldn't look at her again. But I promise you, it's the hormones. I felt territorial from the start of pregnancy and it only got worse when the baby was here. But once he got a bit older and more mobile (around 8-10 months), they started to build a relationship that melted my heart. I like her more now than I did before we ever got pregnant. She's no longer jealous (after a couple talks about how babies require a lot of attention and outbursts/attention hogging won't be tolerated). Instead, she adores him! 

He looks at her with a lot of love and they play so much. She's so quick to respond when he's upset (probably because she's seen us do the same). Like if we're in the car and he gets upset, she's right beside him handing him toys or trying to sing him a song. It's actually quite lovely. She's fairly helpful. 

It'll get better. But in the meantime, you need to get your DH on board so he can alleviate some stress by taking her off your plate. Let him know that it's natural - it's an instinctual thing I think most women with stepkids go through. Send him articles if you need to. But for the sake of your relationship with your stepdaughter, he needs to help you keep a bit separate from her until the hormones subside. 

I wish I was brave enough to talk to my husband about it while it was happening. Instead, I wasn't the nicest stepmom to my stepdaughter. I was often annoyed with her, short with her, and quite honestly, she was probably really hurt by it all. It would've been better if I told my husband and he arranged childcare/kept her off my back more. 

C6arsensult1212's picture

Sorry it may have been confusing how I worded it since it's my first blog but it's actually my stepson! Thank you though that really helped. 

sunshinex's picture

Oops! Not confusing how you worded it. My son is 18-months and still wakes very frequently so I'm a zombie right now lol sorry! 

C6arsensult1212's picture

It just concerns me that hes talking about killing his other half sister and her father. He only said that to her when they were alone and the other father overheard. I have never left her alone with him hence I have never given him the opportunity to say that. 

ndc's picture

What do the SS's bio parents have to say about the talk of killing his half-sister and her father?  Does he have any troubling behaviors that might make one think he would try to hurt either of the babies?  In any event I would not allow him to be alone with the baby.  

C6arsensult1212's picture

At school he has thrown things and hit other kids for taking toys he has been playing with. Neither of the half sisters are big enough to be taking his toys but it makes me a little scared for when they get bigger. He is extremely jealous whenever my DH interacts with the baby around him. Constantly asking to him him with something he doesnt need help with once hes done with the baby. 

Alien's picture

That’s exactly how I felt when my husband allowed his always coughing doughter with poor hygiene hold my newborn baby. I was crying all night because I felt like I’m helpless at this. It went away. Still don’t like them around my baby. It’s nothing but natural. Never leave unsupervised and if that feeling is getting out of control make an appointment with the doctor to talk about it. 


Good luck!

Thumper's picture

CHILD PROTECTION FIRST. What are you doing OP?

For the Love of God why is this 5 year old inside your home? Why are you inside the home with your bio when ss5 has reported thoughts of killing anyone?

Your duty is to protect your bio children.

I wouldnt care who the boy was...HE would never step foot in my home ever again.


C6arsensult1212's picture

I never leave him alone with her and she sleeps in our room while he is over. I just dont know how to get over my ss saying stuff like that even if it wasnt directed at my child. Everyone says kids will be kids but it just doesn't seem normal for a five year old to be talking about killing people. I dont let him even near her and I feel like that is going to make the situation worse.