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Liar, Liar pants on fire!

brutallyhonest's picture

Does anyone else have this problem with their DH/BF/DW when it comes to talking about the Skids? They describe them as little angels, model children, a credit to the family name? Here is the story with some background:

Over the weekend we went to a holiday party with some friends. We used to play on a traveling co-ed sports team with these friends, in fact BF and I met while playing on this team so these friends have know us for a long time and our relationship began with them on the team trips. One couple just moved back after doing a medical residency for a few years, so we have some catching up to do. The other couples all have young children.

At once point one couple brings up that their youngest (18 months) is not crawling, but does this cute butt scoot and they are going to have to take him to physical therapy because he's just not interested in crawling or walking. Later another couple mentions that they had to get their 4 year old glasses, they had no idea he couldn't see well until a random eye check up. Parents felt awful, had no idea, pushed the importance of eye checkups…. Ok, so obviously our friends are able to share and talk honestly about the joys of parenthood. Their kids have issues, but I think no less of the baby for having a hard time figuring our crawling and I don't blame the parents because they didn't realize there 4 yr. old couldn't see stuff until a check-up.

So now attention turns to us. How is SD doing? How old is she now? Now remember these are good friends who have know us and SD for a long time. They have actually know SD longer than I have. BF starts talking about how SD15 is in high school now and how much she loves school. WHAT?!?!?! I just keep playing blocks with our friend's toddler but I'm thinking "What? SD15 LOVES school?! The same SD that flunked the 9th grade, including PE. Yes clearly she LOVES school so much she wants to keep repeating grades and never graduate." I figure the best plan is to say NOTHING about SD unless directly asked and pretend serious interest in the blocks. BF continues to describe how SD15 is a model child. Even mentioning, "we just did lunch the other day…" I'm assuming he means the lunch over a month ago, the ONLY time he has seen her in 7 months since she quit coming for EOW after the blow up about her grades. She also canceled her Thanksgiving visit at the last minute as well. So that has to be the "we did lunch"…. It was pathetic, he was describing a child I've never met.

I'm by no means suggesting we needed to tell our friends the nitty-gritty about everything we've been through over the last few months, but they are our friends right, so why the big lie? Why not something like "SD is a typical teenager now. She's been struggling in school and thinks I'm the lamest parent in the world for getting on her about grades. She think friends and her social life are more important that visiting her dear old dad EOW. It's tough, but hopefully when she's an adult it will all make sense." I don't understand the pretense and what's wrong with getting a little support and validation from our friends? I mean what are friends for, especially long-time friends if you can't tell them what is going on in your life?

I was so bugged about this lie and my keeping silent about it. Obviously BF's behavior at the party is not new to me. BF has forbidden me to talk about SD's issue to my side of the family.(BTW-forbidding me anything is a guarantee I will talk, so don't worry I've got duct tape over my mouth). I don't usually tell them about the hell SD puts me/us through, mostly because they wouldn't understand the whole step-drama thing. No one else in my family or extended family is divorced or has to deal with SKids so they just have no clue what it is like for me. The last time I tried to explain things to my mother, I got a "you just need to love SD more" response. BF also doesn't tell his side of the family about what's going on. We only very recently brought MIL and FIL into the loop because SD and BM were using them to manipulate us. Literally, everyone except my good girl friends think SD is an angel, a joy to parent, a scholar, and athletic (the athletic part is ridiculous, unless there is an Olympic sport for ipod listening, friend texting, TV watching while couch surfing. I was a two-sport college athlete, so I'm really tired of hearing about the athletic SD that throws like a girl and can't catch).

Now, while I don't talk about SD often with my family, I will if I feel I need to. I'm more likely to talk with a few of my girl friends that "get it" if I need to vent. Or vent to StepTalk. I'm a talker. I need to vent, I need to discuss possible solutions, I need validation, I need to brainstorm. I don't feel the need to "hide" things from my friends and family. Some things are private, but some things are just life and not taping the experts to help you deal with them is silly in my opinion. Like a toddler that won't crawl or a kids that had no idea trees had individual leafs until he got glasses. Why are we friends if not to support each other and share knowledge and insight?

I don't think there is anything I can do to address this issue with BF, it isn't worth the fight. He is either embarrassed about SD and doesn't want anyone to know what a stinker she is. Or we just wants to believe the lie because it is less painful. His is in a tough spot as a visitation only father, his powers are limited, but we don't have to lie about what that limitation means about SD and our life.

GRRR just type this out irritates me. This is stupid, if ever asked what I think or to provide an update on SD, I'm going to call a spade a spade and say what I outlined above for a quick update. Otherwise someday when someone asks about SD and I announce that SD is a drug junkie in jail in a far away state, our friends are going to be like, "but she was such an angel how did that happen…."

Comments

northernsiren's picture

It's hard to be a "venter" and be in this situation, I can understand, I kept my marital problems under wraps for years, especially with my family, so when I announce the divorce, just like you said "how did this happen???" So use your best of friends, use step talk, and vent away. The good the bad and the ugly, it's what you have to do. I have involved my mom in the step drama, mostly b/c I want them to have a relationship with SD, and understand where some of our difficulties are coming from. I too need validation that I am sane and acting in the best interests of everyone involved, and my logic makes sense to her and to others. Nothing FH or I have done in this situation is embarrassing, I think he in particular has carried himself with amazing tact and maturity in the face of insane raving ridiculousness from BM.

With regard to SD, the severity of her problems at BM's house are underscored by her poor grades. I have admitted to myself and to my parents she is not genius material. Academically, she is average. But she is a good person with interests, curiosity, creativity and an eager desire to learn, so there is no reason why she cannot improve given the right support and encouragement. It's okay she's not going to be taking high school calculus and physics, I can accept that. What I cannot accept is forcing her to live in an environment which makes her learning that much more difficult.

FH would prefer I talk to my family less about our ongoing step drama. I caution them, particularly my mom b/c that's how she rolls not to interrogate him about SD every time we see them. But FH cannot handle all the things I need to say and the frequency of which I need to say them, so it's gotta come out somewhere and to someone (plus steptalk of course!!!)

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

venmishumishu's picture

it sucks your bf lies to friends, its true what you said about freinds are for. it would be hard for me to keep a lie like that cuz if someone asked me and i forgot i would say the truth(im a very forgetful person) im glad that my husband is not like that, hes very truthful, and i think it would be very hard to say his daughter is an angel....liek when i try to describe her to someone i want to say sweet but i can;'t bring myself to cuz i know its not true...

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

It just about makes you gag, doesn't it? The picture these men paint of their fantasy children. I think H has lied to himself about SD17 so much that he believes it.

Example: I was under the impression that SD17 was a exceptional student. Until I got the password and looked at her grades. Yep. A's alright. In Clay. In drama. But look at Algera, look at Animal Science, C in one, and down to a D in the other. But according to H, she is a start student.

Another example: Just this weekend, H says SD17 has NEVER given him any trouble. Yep. At fourteen, she was posting pictures of herself in a bikini on the internet. (you guys should have seen them-she thought she was all child sexed up-makeup on, provactive poses, but put her hair in pigtails, which she NEVER does). Shoplifted from Claires. Wine bottles in her car. Notes to her bf at age 14, referring to the size of his member. Carved F((k Love in huge letters on her arm...the list goes on and on. but this is his perfect daughter.

So H lies about her constantly. He even lied about the matchy matchy shoes-told me they were 1/2 price and that's why he bought his and hers both-told me debit card transaction for them was so high because he also bought food. Liar. Saw the receipt. the shoes were full price. He bought no food at all.

More reason to leave him. It just continues, ya know?

Rags's picture

Brut,

I completely concur with your brutallyhonest perspective. Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts. The behaviors behind the facts are good or bad but the facts are just facts.

My wife and I struggled with similar issues around my SS years ago. I finally told her that I was not going to sugar coat anything. I would not throw him under the bus by opening conversations with friends and family with "the kid is a liar, a cheat and a young man of little character" but if asked or if in conversation the topic arose that I would tell it like it is.

"Well, young master Skid is struggling with telling the truth but he is working on it with significant help and pressure from mom and dad ....... Right Son?"

Denial of the situation does no one any favors especially a kid struggling with character issues. Tip toeing around the truth just shows the kid that it is OK to be a characterless mass of mammalian flesh that does nothing but produce manure.

My wife and I had guardianship of my SIL (wife's youngest Sib) for several years. She had this really annoying habit of broadcasting how "Special" she thought she was by spouting in a baby voice complete with lisp and pout "I'm Special".

I finally jerked a knot in her tail about her "special" status when she pulled the "I'm Special" crap one to many times around me. I told her that special is not a right it is earned and that there was nothing particularly special about a couch surfer with poor personal hygiene who failed to stand up to her end of a bargain (she lived with us and we paid for college and provided a car with the agreement that she would be at home when our son got home from school, keep the kitchen and her room clean, and mow and water the yard once a week) and spent nearly all night every night having computer sex with her boyfriend two time zones over, consistently tried to skip classes (that I was paying for) and whined about how hard college classes were. She had a free ride for the price of a few loads of dishes a week and running the lawn mower and edger for ~1hr a week.

She finally packed up her crap and moved home to the left coast because we were to hard on her. Guess who calls regularly for our advice and help these days?

So,IMHO call a spade a spade and speak the truth when having the "how are the kids" talk with the friends.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

brutallyhonest's picture

I liked this line you had Rags "Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts. The behaviors behind the facts are good or bad but the facts are just facts." I just don't understand the lying and hiding. In my experience lying and hiding are not good behaviors. It is too hard to remember who knows what lie and who know the truth. I don't feel the need to trash SD to friends and family, but I don't need to hide that all is not well in our little kingdom. I trust rational adults to be able to hear news of the sort and deal with it appropriately.

The annoying part is, while SD is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, she is totally capable of B's and C's ( And an A in PE- it is all about showing up and participating). We've offered for years to help with homework, but are never taken up on the offer. We had no idea things were so bad til BM wanted money for summer school...."um why do you need money for summer school???" So the truth is we try, but we don't have a lot of power to change things. BM while a pain in our ass and also not all that bright, is not going to be found unfit by a judge. I'm not interested in being a full time SM (especially not now that the problems with SD are so entrenched) and BF told me from day-one he never wanted children and has never wanted to pursue having SD full time. So crappy situation all round. SD is now in full control of her destiny and is following in BM's footsteps event though she has examples of successful adults in her life totally willing to lend a hand if asked. Even I, the wicked step mother, would be HAPPY to help her with homework or proof read a paper.

My favorite lie about SD is how she wants to go to either my alma mater- a small private arts college or to the out of state east coast school where SIL works. Either would require B average just to get in (forget scholarships, and I don't think SD even know what out of state tuition is...). BF's family has mentioned this at several gatherings. "SD is either going to go to X or Y school for college...." um I don't even think community college will take her with below a 2.0.....but hey let's all imagine all the other what if's if reality didn't apply. Like brutallyhonest having a pool, a sauna and room for a pony outback on just her little paycheck.

I wish I could send her to Rags military academy to learn discipline, self reliance, and get her grades in gear. I think that's the only think that would break the cycle she is in.

I think BF feels like a screw up because he had a child out of wedlock. I think FIL made his life hell when BF had to break the news (haven't ever gotten the full scoop on that since I wasn't in the picture) He's worked hard to make something of himself, but SD seems determined to pick a path toward unhappiness. He can never quite feel successful or like he has removed the stain because SD is there and not doing well. I think he lies about her because despite all the work he was done to remake himself, he can't fix her and she is a constant reminder of his colossal screw up. He wants to hide this from everyone, sometimes including me. I vacillate between wanting to whack him with a frying pan or just to tell him it is ok, he's not going to be forever judged by SD or the mistake he made with BM. Mostly it just the desire to whack him with the frying pan right now....

childfree's picture

with Rags on it being denial. What is worse than not admitting your "special" kid has issues with learning is attributing his learning difficulties to just not being interested.
My DH not only ignores the fact that SS 11 can't do ANY of his homework on his own and has to have someone read everything to him but he says that it is because he is bored with the subjects. Well, I would get bored too if it took me 3 hrs to do my homework every night.
We have to actually read everything to him and then he can't get the answers. What ends up happening is DH gets so tired of waiting for him to answer that he gives him the answer. He will then say, "okay, I helped with that one now do the next one" again ss sits there staring at the page for 20 minutes, making absolutely NO progress and DH sees it is getting late so ss again scores another answer. By the end of the night DH has basically done all of ss homework.
I have repeatedly told DH this is not right nor is it normal that ss can't read well enough to do homework. I wanted him to get tested for dyslexia and dh says it's none of my business. SS reading level is at most 3rd grade level. His math skills are also at a 3rd or 4th grade level. He only prints and must copy the word from a page or will spell it wrong. His sentences are all one long word(no spaces). When he gets to the end of the page instead of starting back at the left, he starts wrinting down the right hand side of the page. When I said something about it in front of dh, ss said that is how the teacher wants them to write because it takes too long for her to read their work if she has to start back on the left side going right. WTF?!?
I would have to admit, my ss is "special" as in special ed.
I don't want to be mean but this is insane. What is he going to do when he becomes an adult?

bewitched's picture

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

for him when SD17 is here. Therefore, I informed him, I will, from here on have nothing to do with them. Then of course he insisted I join them for supper Sat. nite. (had little choice-had to get Moms Christmas gift bought).

And your H has the nerve to tell you its none of your business saying that child needs to be tested. I thought (mistakenly so) that marrying a man with children meant being part of a family.

I'm thinking I need some special education meself!

And another bottle of Baileys. This ones going waaaay to fast.

Sia's picture

my loser cousins every chance she got. I once complained about this to another cousin who told me this...."she only seems to brag about how wonderful they are doing to avoid facing reality, b/c she really can't handle the truth of the situation". This is soooo true. After that, he constant bragging about them really didn't bother me so much anymore. But, it was sad that she never bragged about all of my dad's kids. There are 4 of us and 3 out of 4 have college degrees and 2 of the four have masters degrees and 1 out of 4 has a phd. So, I am the only one who didn't graduate college, but my cousin told me that my gma was proud of me b/c I had taken on the toughest job of all her grandchildren.....to raise someone else's children... Smile

The cousins she used to brag about so much.....one is in federal prison for counterfitting money (dumbass) and the other got pregnant at 15 and dropped out of high school and has done NOTHING with her life unless you count the 6 times she has been married as something.....hahahaha