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Jealous(?) 3 Year Old?

Brielle.Lane13's picture

Submitted by Brielle.Lane13 on Sat, 08/08/2020 - 5:08am

Hey everyone, 

I've really had this all on my mind for a while now. This is a pretty complicated situation, so please bear with me. I just really need some advice/a place to just let all of this built up emotion out. Here it goes...

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years now. He and I started out as friends, and learned a lot about each other during this friendship. First of all, he's from the Philippines! He was born there, and moved here (US) when he was about 18. Secondly, he has a daughter! When he and I first met, this daughter of his was about a year and a half, and the kicker was she was living in the Philippines with her mom. When his daughter, let's call her E, was about 6 months old he and her mother split up, and her mother decided to move back to the Philippines and take E with her. My boyfriend would still communicate with her (FaceTime) all the time and stayed in her life as much as he could with the situation at hand. So fast forward, and he and I start dating. It was the summer of 2019, and it was the best summer of my life!! Every weekend he and I were out adventuring and living our lives to our fullest. We were always having fun, and it was like a dream come true! He and I even made plans to move in together, which actually happened in October 2019. But... around September 2019, I get news (out of nowhere) that his daughter is coming back to the US. Of course, I was so excited for him!! He was so happy to finally have his daughter back in his life. He and I talked it through, and I fully understood that now if we move in together, she'd be a part of the deal too. I didn't mind it, and like I said, we all wound up moving in together in October. E was shy with me at first, which was totally expected. My boyfriend would always reassure me, saying "it's okay, she was shy around me at first too!" So I kept pushing on. Went out of my way to be friendly to her and try to get along with her. Slowly but surely, though, things started going bad. She was REALLY clingy with her dad. She would always give me dirty looks whenever he wasn't looking. She would insist that her dad sleep with her in her room instead of in bed with me. Anytime her dad would hold my hand she would literally rip his hand out from mine and say things like, "my daddy!" Hell, he and I couldn't even sit next to each other without her wedging herself in between us. It got to a point where I HAD to talk to my bf about it, but he didn't seem too interested. He pushed it off as, "she's only 3! She'll grow out of it." This is all just skimming the surface of all the issues at hand as well. It would take me forever to type out all of the issues into this text *facepalm* 
Mind you, she is 3 now. We've all been living together for nearly a year, and not much has changed. There will be days where it's better, and there will be days where it's worse. My boyfriend has tried to put more effort into getting her to acknowledge that WE are the adults and we have a special relationship, but it seems so hopeless some days. 
I really do love my boyfriend, and I really could see us being together for a while. Hell, I'm going to CA to meet his family this December! But the issues I'm having with this little girl make me doubt all of it sometimes... will she really be the force to drive he and I apart? Will he and I really not make it because of this? 
I'm really trying me best to not be the evil stepmom here... but I just have very little hope left. Help???? 

Comments

Thisisnotus's picture

Submitted by Thisisnotus on Sat, 08/08/2020 - 6:02am

I could offer some advice if you were talking about a 10 year old. But a 3 year old? That's a toddler.....I have a 2.5 year old so it's hard to understand how someone would think a small child is doing these things on purpose.

 

but if you feel this way about the kid now, it won't change.

 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 08/08/2020 - 6:19am

Of course 3-year-olds can get jealous and possessive. My dog gets jealous and possessive of me. It's up to your SO to set limits on her and help her learn proper behavior.

Thisisnotus's picture

Submitted by Thisisnotus on Sat, 08/08/2020 - 7:12pm

This is where I think it gets weird...if the 3 year was their child together...they would both think it was cute and sweet.

When our 2.5 year old comes up and sits between us on the couch....it never enters my mind that she shouldn't do that. 

I look at my little dd and I guess I can't picture anyone telling her at this age that she can't sit somewhere or has to get away from a parent.

 

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Sat, 08/08/2020 - 7:42pm

Can't that be said about any skid behavior, though? Does your DH think some behaviors are ok that you don't, or fail to correct behaviors that you think he should? Is it that you think a child that age shouldn't be subjected to having a stepparent? The OP will never feel the same way as a bioparent does, except with her biokids.

An example is cosleeping. Ok for bios, not for steps (at least to me.) Undressing a child over 5 (or whenever.) 

beebeel's picture

Submitted by beebeel on Sat, 08/08/2020 - 7:43am

Yes, it's normal for her age, but she won't magically "grow out of it" unless he starts correcting her.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sat, 08/08/2020 - 9:49am

Ding ding ding!

OP, your BF is a bad dad for letting these things slide. Wanting to hold his hand isn't a problem. Taking his hand away from you and being demanding is. That disrespect to you as a person, and being able to "strong arm" to get what she wants is problematic and won't go away as she gets older. That only gets worse.

Of all the problems that could come from toddlers, this is the easy one to fix. The fact that your BF isn't addressing this (something every parent has to address at some point) is not a great sign. Not being able to talk to him about it, either, isn't a good sign.

I'd have a go at another conversation with him when his daughter isn't around and when you both are pretty relaxed. You can explain that the issue isn't with his daughter, but with him not correcting disrespectful behavior. Always lead with the problem being him and his parenting (which is the truth). 

Whether this is fixable or not is based on your own tolerance. But, don't ignore your gut on this. If his response to your very valid concerns is blaming you or ignoring your concerns, you need to think long and hard whether 15+ more years of not being listened to is worth it.

The_Upgrade's picture

Submitted by The_Upgrade on Sat, 08/08/2020 - 8:47am

I have a daughter that age. There is no right or wrong in her mind. It's more like what my parents let me get away with and what they don't. 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sat, 08/08/2020 - 10:39am

If BF is not correcting his DD now, being a good parent.  He not going to change.  It's only going to get worst as she gets older.  You have to get him to correct this now and become a parent.  Or it's time for him to leave