BF does not discipline SS, shows no respect
I have been in SS life for 3 years now, became part of our "part-time" life when he was 5 1/2 yrs old. DH brought him around every other weekend he had him so he could be incorporated into my life. It has been somewhat smooth, and we both had thought the relationship was advancing normally, where we had ups and downs with attitude, but it was due to BM programming (BM is very negative about BF and me, telling SS from early on, negative false things about BF and now most recently about me stating that because of my profession as a lawyer, I'm a bad person and then proceeds to tell SS all the negative things associated with lawyers.) Because SS was so young, it was easy to deprogram SS on our weekends with the Friday night attitude, but the Saturday morning adjustment would always come. Now SS is turning 9 in a 3 months, and he has lately become increasingly rude and disrespectful to me. The things he has been saying to me lately are "adult topic" items and a child should not speak to an adult in such a manner about such rude things. BF finally heard enough and decided to reprimand SS. Within 2 minutes SS was back at it, and BF ignored it. BF failed to support me as SS continued to talk back to me and wrapped it up with "you're not my mother, and my mother told me I don't have to listen to you." BF opinion is that I'm the adult and he is the child, so I need to just deal with it, as it's NOT the SS, but it's the mother who fills his mind with this. I totally disagree, and a child who is going to disrespect me in public and in my own house, not answer me when I speak to him, and ignore anything I tell him or request of him, is not acceptable, as I feel this behavior will get worse if it is not nipped in the bud.
As a result, BF is now treating me as the BAD person because I just turned myself off and became indifference for the last day we had SS for the long holiday weekend. He feels that I dont' accept his son, (I never said this) and now all my feelings about the whole situation and how it has to change are turned around as IF I DID SOMETHING WRONG by my BF. I almost feel as if he has chosen his 8 - 9 year old sons side over mine when I never even asked him to. All I wanted was for him to discipline him for his continued disrespect and rude comments to me all weekend long, when in reality, I think he's in denial.
Any thoughts on what I can do? We just tied the knot 2 months ago after living together for 2 years, and I'm about to hit the pavement if ONE weekend with SS would cause this much friction between me and BF. On top of it all, after he witnessed our wedding (his mother remarried at the start of the year by justice of peace and never brought him to the ceremony), and he had a great time at our wedding, he started begging his father to move back home with his mother -- this is the first time I have ever heard him make this statement, as he has always known mom and dad were not getting back together, especially after we explained that both parents are now remarried. (He has no other siblings - it's just HIM in both families).
Any thoughts??????????????? I feel helpless and very sad that my new husband doesn't see that our new marriage is just as important as his rship with SS, as this is LIFE all day everyday, not the pseudo-relationship he has 2 times a month with the ONE 2 minute phone call a week that the BM allows SS to take. So frustrated!!!!
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Accept it and move on
Sorry to be a downer, but this is what you can expect to continue to happen. I fought it for years, but it never mattered. BD is not going to put his foot down because God forbid the kids get mad at him. He forgets that's what parents do is piss off their kids.
It's a losing battle and I'm sorry, but the sooner you accept it, the better you are. He's never going to "get it" and he's never going to see it your way (the right way).
Divorced parents are the most ridiculously guilty parents there are. I guess maybe widowed parents might be worse. It's ridiculous but I've been harping on it for 11 years now to no avail and gave up the serious fight about 4 years ago.
Me speaking to hubby on this topic was equivalent to bashing my head against a brick wall and I'm sure you'll eventually reconcile yourself to the same thing sometime down the road.
Soooo many warnings that I've given him over the years have come to pass and I think more discipline and supervision would have made a lot of difference. He'll never see it even though he sees where we are with the kids now. He still won't put into effect normal parenting skills. He will never "get it".
That doesn't mean you have to take b-s. Stand up for yourself and make it clear that you will not take them being disrespectful to you.
I have several instances where hubby undermined me directly and it was a very difficult time for a couple of years. It broke my heart and changed our relationship forever. It changed my relationship with skids as well and he never saw it.
That was about 4 years ago when I decided to accept that I couldn't make him "get it". My only other decision was to get out and I didn't want that even though what I have now is much less than I expected or want for myself. But that's marriage. Up and down and all around.
I change what I can (me) and accept what I can't (him).
That's life in a "blended" family.
I really hate the term "blended family" and I always have. To blend, by definition, is "to mix smoothly and inseparably together" and that just is not what happens 99.9% of the time. Bottom line is this: It is YOUR home, YOU are an adult in that home and YOU have the right to have your expectations met by this child. You are now a co-parent and in your home you have equal say with your husband.
Your husband, as the biological parent, has the responsibility to discipline his child. If he won't do it, then you'll end up having to do it by default. State your rules, communicate your expectations and then discipline with restriction of privileges as needed. Your husband is right about one thing... you do have to claim your rightful place in the situation and that means you will need to find a way to relate to the child on your own without Dad's involvement. I don't drag my husband into it when my teenaged stepdaughter mouths off to me. I just say, "Sally Sue, I don't appreciate the way you are speaking to me. If it happens again, I'm confiscating your cell phone for the weekend." Done deal. There will be fireworks initially, but the sooner you put your foot down, the sooner it will blow over and everyone will fall into the routine.
Whether there are steps or not, every parent has a different parenting personality. You are probably not going to be successful in changing your husband or the way he chooses to parent (or not parent) his child. But you do have the right, even as a lowly step-parent, to expect good, respectful behavior from any child who enters your home. If you want this behavior nipped in the bud, there is no reason why you can't be the one who does the nipping.
~ Anne ~
My 11 yr was in a snotty
My 11 yr was in a snotty mood old told my hubby to "shut up" yesterday morning after I had left for work.
He grabbed him by the shirt..looked him in the eye. AND told him "Don't EVER speak to me like that again!" Son had a big road hockey game planned for the day.....hubby grounded him.
Almost as soon as it came out of son's mouth...he regretted it. And appologised, etc.
Then I come home from work....son is looking to go play..etc. And the ball is thrown to me....I must back my hubby!! My son was insolent, ignorant, disrespectful, and my hubby is so good to my children and does so much for them to be treated like a peice of shit by a saucy 11 yr old. That behaviour is not acceptable..from any child to an adult...period.
And I hope My x husband would do the same thing if my kids 'mouthed off" to his GF.
My son was tired, has a cold, was cranky...I consider that an 'explanation for his behaviour' but not an excuse.
I can't for the life of me understand why parents condone or accept bad behaviour for whatever reason.....if its' guilt..get over it... and DO YOUR JOB as the PARENT!!!!!
To give a child love and structure when everything else is out of control...that stability...it's a gift!! It grounds them. It gives them self esteem...confidence in their ability to predict the future...it gives them control...and teaches them self control...
I could go on.........
I don't understand parents who won't give direction to thier kids!!!
Just provide Excuses for thier childrens lack of character....
...sorry...I'm ranting......
take away privileges - let's hope it works
Your advice is very good. I realized that privileges do need to be taken away from him, and I should start with the cell phone his mother gave him to ensure he calls her 3 times a day. He is afraid to death to lose that phone because if he doesn't call his mom, she threatens him that she won't buy whatever new toy he wants that she bribes him with upon each visit. I will use it as one of the privileges lost in an extreme repeat performance of disrespect, and explain to him that if his mother asks why he couldn't use his cell phone to call her (he'll use one of our phones), he can explain to her that he was disrespectful to his step mom and he lost the privilege of his own cell phone. HA! That would never work, DH would never allow me to take that privilege away because he's afraid of his ex- although he will never admit that.
What happens when you take away the privilege and he mouths back, "I don't care, I'll do this or that." It's like a vicious cycle. I mean, I know what I'd do if it were my child, but I don't have that luxury of discipline for days on end as he only visits every other weekend, and I don't have that right to truly punish him being a SS.
That was a problem at thier
That was a problem at thier Dad's house... It's only 2 days. He makes plans to do fun things..if he 'grounds' one the other suffers also...it is a tough position.
I really take issue with snotty spoiled little brats....and I do not want to raise one...(I'll do my best not too).
SO I told my X that I had no problem being the 'bad guy' the enforcer etc. If he was grounded from ps2..or the phone/msn for daughter..its' for the week and it will be enforced at my house..NO problem. The weekend visits should not be a free for all because Dad is limited in his 'punishment options'..
I am a biomom as well as in a step-parent role...and as such I can't understand why a mother would encourage bad behavior....for any reason. If you condone it here at his location (Dad's) but will punish the child for the same behaviour here at this other location (Mom's)... WTF are you doing to the kids!!???
And your setting the stage for a miserable teenhood stage for yourself as well!!!!! SO I don't get it!
I'm willing to work with my x despite our many other difference.. would this childs mother be willing to consider the same for the sake of the child. I've experienced the same Dad turns a blind eye with his bio-kids syndrome with my hubby...but his kids are adults and responsible for themselves for the most part...so it's not in face so much.
Find that means something to him.... and "i don't care" they all say that...your the last person they want to know ....if you found the "key" of what they do care about.....
It's sooooooo easy to spot the screw-ups and bad behaviour but good behaviour also happens on a regular basis...daily. unfortunately..more often than not it slips by un-noticed.....
Maybe you can mitgate the "bad" behaviour by focusing on whatever "good" behaviour there is... Instead of "taking things away" what if you (not your husband) have something he really wants.....say like the abiilty to make the most awesome brownies.
Spend one day...looking for everything he does right, everytime he is polite, pleasant tone of voice, co-operative, etc.... notice them..make positive comments..and 'before he screws it up' together make cookies, or brownies...or whatever it is HE LOOOVVVEESSSSS!!!!!!
He treats you like shit.....no cookies made together..next time. But don't call it 'punishment' per say....
Just say something like.."It hurts my feelings when you speak to me that way.and I don't want to hang out in the kitchen with you right now..maybe another time when we are having a better day together..."
It's a cause & effect type of deal....not unlike .. punishment...but of a softer, sweeter, less confrontational note.....
What do think??
I am BM and SM..
And you know what, the things that I read up there I would be very ashamed of my children if they treated my husband or there dad's GF that way.. It is my job as there mom to try and be a positive example for them, as there BM..
All I see is on here is a lot of BM who are jealous and spiteful and they are using there children to get back at the father and the SM, GF wahtever because of jealousy.
I too am a divorcee and have broken my kids home, and came from a broken home and you know what, no excuses anymore.. Broken homes make up most of the US now.. I am sick to death of all the excuses..
Here is my take on this woman and child and the stand your BF needs to take now IF he wants a well adjusted capable child to grow into a successful adult.. He needs to start standing up for you and taking the stand of we are not allowing this in our home.. That his mom will always be his mom but that you are a part of his life..
There are way to many excuses out in the world today..
Look at all these woman who are killing there own children today.. What! they say they are insane.. Yep you are, anyone who could do any harm to there children yeah your nuts.. See you goodbye..
These kids now days are not taught anything.. (not all please do not take offense).. And in my opinion its us Step Parents who see everything because we are not looking thru rose colored glasses we see things for what they truly are.. I try not to look thru rose colored glasses with my kids.. but I know I do.. But I can honestly say I would not put up with any back talk or bad mouthing about my husband, or there dad's GF.. If she called me and said that one of my children were very rude to her or he called me to tell me that.. I would defend them not my kids.. No kid should get away with being rude to anyone.. Unless that person is truly doing harm to them.. but to jsut be a brat... No..
These BM who are so full of hatred need to go get some serious therapy.. You didn't want him but you do not want anyone else to have them either.. I am sick to death of the crap...
Sorry little spiteful today...