How can you not take is personally??
i guess i am only in newbie in this step parenting game (2.5years)! and i am young step mum... but how on earth do you learn not to take your skids actions personally?
i know i take things to things personally, but when my skids SS11 & SD9) give me the forced hello and the no effort. it honestly gets me so upset and breaks my heart all my efforts are unnoticed, They arent rude to me or anything like that..
The whole time i have been in there lives i have done nothing but try and do the right thing! i make sure they get lots of alone time with there Dad, Be interested in there school/sporting/hobbies. Spent so much money as well trying to go on bonding days and holidays... ill admit big time ive tried buying love. And a million other ways to try and connect.
BM has had many boyfriends who they seem to adore and always speak about, im not sure what is said at there place but i know they dont hate me but they are just so indifferent about me and if i moved out tomorrow i know they couldnt care less.
i know everyone on the site has HUGE awful issues going on and this seems so small. but i would love love for my stepkids to bond with me and slowly becoming aware it wont ever happen and they just arent in the stage to bond.
my question is HOW on earth do i be ok with that? i am so sure other people on the site advice. i have heard the "its just the way they are accept that" "you cant change them" "Just adjust to it" but yes i DO understand that... but HOW can i be ok with that?..
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It sounds like you really
It sounds like you really want to do this right. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't. Each situation is unique; but I can tell you whT has worked for me ( so far...knock on wood!!!) I let the kids come to me. I didn't try to do anything/give anything/be anything that I thought the kids might like. I give when they ask me for it, not before. Sometimes my fdh doesn't like it, but for the most part it works. He manages his kids, and on the odd occasion when I step in it is appreciated by both dad and kids.
I don't know if that will help you, but it works for me. I wish you all the best!
I like Queen B's response. I
I like Queen B's response. I am lucky in that I knew my Skids since they were very little. They have always known me. I was introduced as a friend, and we grew closer as the years went on and only now, 8 years later, am I marrying their mom. I am lucky that they love me to death, but I never tried to do anything. I was myself. We cannot force kids to love us anymore than we can a BF or GF. The kids are people, and they will have their opinion of you no matter what you do or don't do.
Managing your emotions will be the hard part. Not sure I would marry my gf if the kids didn't love me as I feel she does. It's a package deal, no matter how hard the DM/DF wants to say that it is not. It is. Focus on your life, your love for your husband, and let the rest fall as it may. The more confident and happy your are in your life, the sexier you will be to your husband, and the example of love will be shown to the kids. Whether they like it or not, it is a positive example that will help them in their formative years about what a relationship should be like.
Perhaps in time they will not only respect you, but realize they love you as well. It's no easy road, my best wishes for you.
I had issues with these same
I had issues with these same feelings this weekend. FSS8 has made thoughtless comments in the last couple of weeks (I will partly atribute to his grandmother coming home after 4 months). He has done a few things that really hurt my feelings. But, when I look back at it, some of it is normal 8 year-old stuff, and some of it is him trying to sort out his conflicting loyalties. I've decided to not take a break from him. I find that if I stop giving so much for a little bit, then I feel better when he's a being a butthead. For instance, this week, I was going to have him Wed and Thurs before I go to work and meet up with his dad on my way to work so that he didn't have to spend the whole day bored with dad at work. After some things he said to me over the weekend, FH decided that if he isn't going to appreciate what I do, then he isn't going to enjoy my company and the more fun things I do during the day. I was going to take him with me to try cupcakes for the wedding. I'm kind of bummed he isn't going with me to that, but I also don't feel like feeling resentful or hurt on Thursday either. So, I'm taking a break.
So, in answer to your question, I'm not ok with it. I take a break when I need to so that I don't explode. FH is more critical of FSS than I am on this, and is therefore, supportive when I want a break.
My SS is only 4, but we
My SS is only 4, but we struggle too. He is coached by MIL and BM to not like me so it makes things hard. It hurts me to hear him say neg things to me but I stay true to myself. I know I'm not perfect but I'm a good person and I believe he will see that one day. (he does like me) If one day he wakes up and decides to not see my good it will hurt and I will cry but I know I always treated him in a way I can be proud of despite his opinon.
My advise to what makes you happy and know that they are the ones missing out if they don't see it. You care so it will always hurt but at least you know you made yourself proud.
Just be yourself. The BM may
Just be yourself. The BM may not have anything to do with how the feel about you. There are plenly of folks here who say they do not like their SKs. It's possible and just fine for steps to feel the same way about their SMs. There isn't a law that says they have to like you. They have to respect you but that is it.
Stepaside is dead on. Get
Stepaside is dead on. Get the book Stepmonster and bear in mind that it doesn't really matter how old or how young skids are. Between the BM poisoning their minds and the stereotypes of stepMOMS, it's a thankless job. StepDAD is much easier since he usually has the BM stamp of approval.
My skids have been brainwashed/poisoned/PASed since day one. The youngest at the time, was too young to grasp any of the brainwashing tactics so he was loving and accepting. . . at FIRST. As soon as he got the concept of verbal and non-verbal communication, the BM and her mom and her entire family started in with the Parental Alienation.