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Second Rant of Day

BaseballMom42's picture

I really don't want SS15 living with us. He is HORRIBLE! Just married DH in June and after the wedding is when he said he decided we wants to live here (I almost feel like he is doing it on purpose to ruin our marriage). The only fights we've had since being married have been about his son. So I was up all night thinking about how horrible it will be if SS15 stays and doesn't go back after summer (BM lives 2 states and 6.5 hours away) and DH was working night shift so I called him and explained to him my side. BTW he says he can't take his son and knows he is horrible, but he said he just can't tell him to go back home. ANYWAY here was my argument.

1) The 15-year-old can't choose where he wants to stay, it is up to the parents. And if his safety isn't at risk and he is getting everything he needs at his mothers why uproot him and have him move at 15-years-old when he has been with BM all his life.

2) At BM's house she has a huge home and he has his own room, own bathroom, own things. They live in an upscale community with parks, tennis courts, pools, for ONLY community residents. Here he has to share a small 2 bedroom townhouse with DH10

3) I said DH needs to talk to BM and find out why she thinks he wants to move suddenly....there has got to be some underlying reason. I think it is because a) he was the only child for 13 years, until his mother had twin girls (now 2) and she is pregnant due in the fall with a boy so he isn't as spoiled as he used to be. DH said BM buys his love and gets him whatever he wants, but with 3 extra kids now it is hard to do that and b) his mom moved to a new school district last year and I have a feeling he is having trouble making friends, because he has been up here for two months now and not ONCE mentioned a friend from back home. When he used to come up for the summer he would want to go back home after like 2 weeks because he wanted to get back to his friends.

So if that is the case he can't just "run away" from his problems. Because he does that with us now too. The second there is trouble or problems he tries to "run away" to his grandparents house. Running away from problems isn't healthy. He can't just jump around until he finds the person that he can manipulate and get what he needs.

4) If he moves up here this will be his 3rd school in 3 years AND after DH and I graduate (we are both back in school while working full-time, he is going for physical therapy and I am going for my masters in business), which is next year, we plan on moving south....so SS15 would have to go to yet ANOTHER school for his junior or senior year and I don't think that is healthy. He needs stability, so he should stay with his mom and go to school he went to last year. PLUS that high school is a top ranked high school.

5) BM said if SS15 lives with us she won't pay us child support, and I said DH needs to insist on CS if he does live here, because just the food costs with him being here have doubled.

6) We are married now, so any decisions in living situations should be discussed with me too, and this move was NEVER discussed with me, and he upsets the harmony of our household and is a bad influence on DS10. He already has a perfectly fine home with his mother.

So I think I had a pretty good argument. DH said he would talk to BM, but I don't know what that means. I think he just doesn't want to seem like a jerk AND he is getting all this pressure from his parents to try to keep SS15 here. But I tell DH HE IS THE PARENT...NOT THEM. And he is so manipulative with the grandparents, they don't see the devil side to him and he always plays the victim and they fall right into that. I told DH the grandparents are like putty in SS15's hands.

They also had the audacity to tell me this weekend, "You know with SS15 living with you now I don't think it is a good idea to move in a year or two because it would be too hard on SS15 to go to another school for his junior or senior year" Ummm....no crap, that is why he needs to go back to his mother AND we've had these plans for YEARS...when we graducate we are looking for jobs down south, we aren't even going to look up here. So I am not changing my plans, SORRY!

Comments

VioletsareBlue's picture

I love it when other people like to stick their nose in business that has nothing to do with them.

BaseballMom42's picture

Yeah, they were really pissing me off with the converstaion trying to get us not to move...telling me all the negatives of moving. Trying to tell me there are tornados there (my sister has lived there for 10 years and she said there has NEVER been a tornando, we aren't moving to the mid-west). Then said oh I bet the traffic is horrible, and I think that state taxes your retirment and the list goes on. Sorry, too bad, we are moving.

BaseballMom42's picture

Already tried to get him sent back. I can't take having him here. And the kid is choosing it for all the wrong reasons. He can't just move when things don't go his way. Besides if BM isn't going to pay child support then he can't stay with us. She said if we try and get her to pay child support then she will have him move back and only if he gets emancipated can he then come live with us.

BaseballMom42's picture

DH wants him to go home but he says he can't just tell his son to leave, so doesn't know how to go about doing it. Especially from the pressure from his parents. He thinks it is better to stay with his mom, because he also knows that SS15 is doing it for all the wrong reasons, because he doesn't get spoiled at his moms any longer and he knows here his has his grandparents to spoil him. We don't have the room or the money right now.

Willow2010's picture

Ugh…my SS moved in at 15 too!! Less than a year after DH and I married and moved in together!!

I, however knew that DH always wanted his son with him so I would have NEVER told him that his kid could not live with us.

The only way I survived was to tell my son..(also 15 at the time) that I was his parent and I parent MY way. And that SS was DH’s kid and he parents his way. I told my son that the rules would be different for them and that was just the breaks. My son understood and he was ok with it, (mostly). He knew he did not want to be raised like SS. EVER.

AND…I dis engaged. Totally. I was like a nice Aunt to SS. And DH and I did set some HOUSE rules…like cleanliness and respecting the property and animals. If SS left out dishes…I got DH to clean them up. It actually worked out fine.

If SS does move in with you … he needs his own room. It is not fair to either of the kids to make them share a room. Especially with the age difference.

Tell DH that if SS stays, then he has to follow the house rules, (DH MUST INFORCE) and that he needs to supply SS with a room. ASAP. See if that will make him send the kid

BaseballMom42's picture

That is the things....it is impossible to supply him with his own room right now. We have a lease that isn't up for a while, so we can't move, and it's only 2 bedroom. Like I said he has his own room at BM house. And we don't want to sign another lease since we plan on moving next year. So we are stuck

hereiam's picture

I am curious to know what your step son's reasons are for wanting to live with you and your husband.

Your husband has good reasons to say "no". No room, no money (especially if BM is not going to pay CS) and everything you have already stated. There's nothing wrong with telling him the truth, that you and DH feel he's doing this for the wrong reasons. Not to mention, he will probably change his mind again at some point.

I know your DH doesn't want to seem like he doesn't want his own son, which is why he needs to just be honest and let his son know he questions his motives (but in a way that is not accusatory).

BaseballMom42's picture

I would like to know it too...like I states above I think I know the reason. I wonder what he will say. I will tell DH to ask like you said, just out of curiosity, and not make it sound accusatory.

doll faced sm's picture

Just going to point out the obvious here that BM has handed you an out on a silver platter. Since you financially *cannot* make it w/o CS, file for CS. She will take SS back. If/when SS questions it, just state the truth, you and DH cannot make it w/o CS, so you filed for it. Let BM be the one to explain why she refuses.

Willow2010's picture

That is the things....it is impossible to supply him with his own room right now
+++++++++++++++++
Still make this a condition. If DH wants SS to stay, he will make it happen. I would also tell DH that he MUST get CS from BM if he stays. NO IF AND OR BUTS ABOUT IT!!

BaseballMom42's picture

I think that is a good condition to have, I think I will mention it.

BaseballMom42's picture

The kid turns against anyone the second he isn't getting his way anyway...he plays two ends against the middle all the time. He did that when he was with his mom, the second he wasn't getting his way he would call dad to "tattle on his mom" and he does that with us, when he doesn't get his way he calls mom or grandparents to "tattle" on dad. So not too worried about that.

BaseballMom42's picture

If this doesn't work I am going to really have to try and disengage like others have mentioned. It will be hard, but I will just have to do it.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Well, I have SS living with us. He's ok. Not too much trouble. He does dumb shit like they all do. However, SD11 is a whole other bag of tricks. She has already started talking about living in my house and after our vacation I have made up my mind that the answer is NO, double NO, hell motherfrigging NO. She is manipulative, conniving and wicked to the core. If it comes down to it, he'll have to choose, his demon seed or our marriage. And if he chooses her, well so be it.

BaseballMom42's picture

I understand your pain! It is horrid. He is the cause of all our troubles. He is the ONLY thing we fight about. When he is not around everything is GREAT. So I can see why you would not want SD there, because I am sure the same thing would happen. DH tells me all the time how DS10 is so much better than SS15 and how he rather deal with my son than his own! That is how bad it is, but then in the same breath he says, but he's my son, so I have to deal with him. I tell him you can love him, but you don't have to like him.

Hanny's picture

I agree that you've answered your own question. Just have DH tell BM that he will be filing for CS asap, that you cannot afford step son without CS because you need to get a bigger place. I bet if she thinks your serious she will convince SS to come back home. And take her to court and get your CS if you have to, at least that will give you some extra money to get a bigger place. Does your apartment complex have 3 bedroom units, sometimes you can switch up with no fines.