I've failed as a wife and a mother
DH saw the light about us moving to LA isn't the best course of action at the moment. He admits his reason for moving was a spur of the moment and just wanted to make SS feel normal again. We've agreed to look into different suburb and possibly boston but noting was set in stone.
My 12 year old daughter came to me and told me that SS was watching change. I immediately went to DH with my concerns . DH wouldn't even listen to me. I wanted him to talk to SS about it but he refused. He was saying that SS is so traumatized by intimacy after being sexually abused at the hands of his stepfather that he's terrified for even being aroused. We were at a stand still. I didn't want him around my daughters. I told him SS needs help and I don't want him around my daughters. It was a pretty nasty fight. DH wasn't even willing to talk to SS about it. DH took SS and moved out.
My daughter wasn't acting the same. She seemed 'off'. My oldest daugher confided in me and told me that my youngest, lied to me about SS watching her change...................The reason. She was jealous of all the things that DH was getting SS.
SS is very quiet as it is. He doesn't speak much and doesn't ask for much. But when he does ask DH for something, he does go overboard. Once, SS asked DH if he could get a new bed spread; DH got it for him, plus new bedroom furntiure. SS broke his phone of 5 years and asked DH for a new phone; DH got him the lastest iphone and and a brand new laptop. DH and I both have very healthy salaires but he makes x4 what I make. As long as he takes care of his share of the montly expenses, he's free to do whatever he wants. My youngest has seen this and has asked if why isn't she getting similar treatment. I've explain to her that her father and I support her to the best of our abilties(which we do) but DH is SS dad (and the only parent he as left. Bm and SF are in prison). I've also told her that some things in live aren't fair and we just have to accept them and move on. SS does share with my daughters though which is very thoughful of him and I've thanked him. SS isn't doesn't act entiled. Even though he keeps his interactions with us minimal, he's still polite . He does express graitude to his dad for buying him such nice things. He helps around the house, he was a 96% average in school. My daughter's jealously got the better of her. She does seem very remorseful but I haven't spoke to her about it. I'm still in shock.
Where did I go wrong? It's the parents duty to properly parents their kids. I thought I was teaching my children the moral in what is right and what is wrong. I set limits and am always consistent which is keys to good discipline. Which they respond too. I focused on developing independence in my kids, so redundancy becomes the aim for parents. I'm flexible, understanding, empathetic, patient, I listen, and I express my love openly. So where did I go wrong?
I thought I was doing a good job raising my kids and teaching them right from wrong. I thought I was a good mother but I feel as though I've failed. My oldest is great- sweet, resptectable, doesn't mouth off (much), and is empathetic. I don't where I went wrong with my youngest?
I don't want to get a divorce. I love DH like no tomorrow. How I am with him, I wasn't even like with my ex. I don't think I've ever laughed as much, felt as loved as I do when I'm with him. Is there anything I can do to save my marriage? I still have to tell DH and I'm almost scared to do it.
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Telling your husband the
Telling your husband the truth should not change anything. Your daughter told a lie that could cause irreversible social harm to your husband's son. Lying about this sort of thing is an absolute deal breaker for most people
Your daughter's lie was rooted in jealousy. The only reason you know the truth is because the oldest told. Chances are, she feels zero remorse for the vile lie she told.
It's odd that you wanted your husband to speak to his son when you thought he was in the wrong. You now know that your daughter was the guilty one, but you have not spoken to her yet.
I just recently found out. As
I just recently found out. As in last night. My daughters are at their father's this week. My eldest called me and told me. I would much rather talk to my youngest face to face when she's here. Plus I also need to time process. I feel sick over this whole thing.
I oldest disclosed to me that she feels gulity as it is. But I need to speak to her first.
This is big enough of a lie
This is big enough of a lie to interrupt her week at her father's. Her lie is ruining people's lives. I don't know how well you get along with your ex but if you get along decently, a long, hard discussion with her coming from both of you and a drive over to your DH and SS with a HUGE apology are the first and immediate steps to take.
Then you owe your DH and SS a huge apology. Yes, you didn't have a reason to suspect her, but you still owe them an apology for the hurt that was caused even though it was unintentional.
Then
Then other repercussions are due. This was NOT OKAY and a BIG BAD THING TO DO and needs to have consequences.
I get along decently with my
I get along decently with my ex. I'm about to ring him up. There will be consequences for this. I'm just shocked that this even happened
Does your soon to be ex live in the area
If not, I would call him immediately. This poor kid must have such huge trust issues.
Yes, I woudl interrupt the
Yes, I woudl interrupt the time for something like this and you both come down HARD on her. My question is- does she know anything about SS abuse? Because otherwise it's hard to understand how she knew something like the lie she said could get him in trouble like that. She is the one that is 12?
Your dh now has a decision to make-maybe you can recover from this with counseling for all of you, your dd needs it too. And I mean consequences! The kid could end up in juvie for something like this and labeled the rest of his life. So likely even a severe punishment you could assign to her for lying is likely to little. Phones, priviledges, sleepovers, treats...make it like a prison...like the jail your SS would encoutner if she persiste in this.
WOMEN and girls she be as severely punished as the men they falsely accused IMO and then they would learn to not pull that. I don't know how she learned this, and I'm so sorry for you as her mom as you seem mortified. Pull music, cell, friend time..do it all. Other then remove door to room for safety reasons -though of course you could also make her change in the bathroom locked for a very long time- remove the comforts. Yikes, I'm very sorry.
Just got off the phone with my ex
He just picked the girls up from school. I told him to bring them to my house ASAP. He's on his way.
You can’t blame yourself for
You can’t blame yourself for believing your DD. If you didn’ttake steps to protect her and something happened, that would be horrific. You made the right move given the information you had.
I’m gonna disagree with the majority of posters here who are saying you should go nuclear and yank your daughter home on her dad’s visitation.
Give yourself time to process, think through, and decide how to address this. Nothing urgent is happening...nothing will be lost by giving yourself a little time and a lot may be gained.
I’d start by asking questions and giving your daughter the chance to confess. The fact is all kids lie...about things big and small. There should absolutely be consequences...but those shouldn’t be reactionary...and you’ll be in a much better place to be able to discipline effectively if you talk to her first instead of putting her on the defensive. She’s 12 and confused...not a hardened criminal trying to put some one behind bars unfairly.
I will also say...I’ve interviewed and worked with many assault victims. It’s actually fairly common for victims to retract or minimize, even when they’ve told the truth...especially when they’re accusing someone they’re related to/care for. They often don’t want to see the person punished.
not saying that’s what’s happening here...but unfortunately your SS has been through a trauma that does make it much, much more likely that he’ll abuse someone himself. If it really is exactly as your oldest daughter says...then your youngest needs some tough parenting and real consequences. But I do think you need to approach it as a conversation first to get the full story straight from your daughter.
I also think the counseling is a great idea for your daughter and SS.
What a vile thing
your youngest daughter did, and what a brave thing your eldest did to bring it to light.
I am not a mother, so realize my perspective is more societal here. But as a woman, I am horrified. First for the poor SS, who has already had it tough with the sexual abuse. While I agree it’s so much worse if your daughter knew, regardless her actions are unconscionable, and the consequences should include therapy in addition to punishments as posters have noted above so this never happens again.
I would not see it as a reflection on you nor your parenting. This was a horrible, mean action your daughter chose in her own. How you handle this as a parent is what will reflect on you.
At this point, I would stay separated from your husband. In no way should his son ever have to be around her again after the initial apology. If he asks for reconciliation at some point, that would be one thing. But he now needs protection from her. Any thoughts of you being a family are over. She could have landed him a criminal record with her lie.
Best of luck to you all, I’m so very sorry you are going through this.
I dont think you have failed as a mother
But if I were the DH, I would think combining households is not the best
Your ex may decide to
Your ex may decide to separate his daughter and take full custody. I would say this is a enough to tip over custody.
I think that would be a wise decision AND equally important to get dd into therapy so she understands why she did this, Why she will never do falsely to this again. Also for a therapist to see if dd has empathy and remorse?
I am sorry---you must feel sick inside. Your not a failure...you can move thru this with proper placement decisions made for dd AND therapy for her. That comes first---
Your ss also needs protection just like someone noted above.
Your DD needs professional help
At 12 yo she should know that lies like that effects people’s life’s. She did not care that broke up you and your SO. Plus effecting SS well being. Maybe DD should live with her father for a time
You didn't fail, your
You didn't fail, your daughter failed you. You had to take the accusation seriously, but now that you know the truth, you have to tell DH so he can rest his mind and also exonerate SS fully. I wouldn't hold out hope for this relationship, to be honest, as repairing it will not be easy. Also, if I was your DH, I would never trust my son around your daughter again.
How did the conversation with your daughter go yesterday?
Ok, at 12 yrs old your
Ok, at 12 yrs old your daughter's brain is not fully formed. She literally cannot feel what the repercussions of her actions would be. She could have told you that it was so that SS would have to move out. The chances of her realizing the damage she was doing to him, victimizing him again are like 1%. She only saw her need. She did not calculate that this would end your marriage. She did not understand that this would be a giant emotionally damaging event for the entire family.
Teenagers are stupid. Your pre-teen daughter did a stupid thing. I am not saying that you shouldn't punish her. I am not saying that there shouldn't be counseling for everyone in your family. I am saying that there is a reason why we don't try teens as adults in courts. They don't get it. They just don't. They know right from wrong. They know what they are doing is wrong... yet... they can't see it in their minds eye, their heart that this is a HUGE wrong that will really hurt people.
Keep that in your mind when you are searching your heart for forgiveness for your daughter.
Yep.
Yep.
It's scientifically proven that most people don't start to understand the long-term consequences of their actions until around their mid-twenties. That's why we rely so much on rules and boundaries and explaining right and wrong when kids are younger. It's not that she doesn't know right from wrong...it's that she truly doesn't understand exactly how wrong and how damaging this action is.
I'm with you. I'm not arguing for leniency at all...it's just I've spent a whole lot of time with teens and young adults...and I remember those years for myself quite vividly. I don't think rushing to judgment or flying off the handle about this will be in the best interest of anyone involved.
I agree you should march sd over to dh and apologise to him and
Ss and admit what she did and why she did it and that it was very wrong and you are very sorry for it. I’d even have her hand write an apology and how inconsiderate and selfish she was to do it and how unacceptable it was and what changes she intends to make and she hands this to your husband.
Then go, let dh digest things but he needs to know that there is accountability and responsibility for your actions. Too often here its the lack of accountability for skids but in your case its a bio kid who needs to learn the hard way that she needs to take responsibility for her actions