Am I being over critical and overreacting?!

It's been a year since my husband gained full custody of his daughter (13 years old), and yet she still can't seem to pick up after herself without being asked to do so! She has her own bathroom, not in her bedroom, but it's across the hall from her bedroom. It has been a pet peeve of mine since we got her, that after she takes a bath, she doesn't drain the water until she is asked to even if it's days later. She leaves her clothes all over her bathroom floor and counters. I got tired of constantly asking her to pick her shi*t up, so I eventually just started asking her father to remind her. He really doesn't care about teaching his kid to pick up after herself because he uses her bathroom all the time and just kicks the clothes out of the way to use the toilet, and never asks her to clean it up until I say something. I bust my a$$ daily to make sure the house is spotless. I mean, spotless. I wake up, make his lunch, take him to work, her to school, come home clean house and do laundry, grab her from school and take her home and then go get him from work at 5pm. In between, I'm also running any necessary errands that need to be ran. Mind you, I am 25 years old, she is 13 and he is almost 36. Not really how I want to be living my life at 25 years old.. These two's personal biotch. All I ask is she pick her shi*t up! So tonight I decided to was going to calmly have a talk with my step daughter with the husband present. They were on the couch finishing up watching "House" and I was waiting at the kitchen table painting my nails. The show ended and I very calmly said, "I would like to have you family talk." My SD loooked over at me and said with a slight chuckle, "..with who?" My husband gave me the dirtiest look I have ever seen in my life. It was a look of discust. I immediately got emotional because for the last hour before this I was rehearsing in my head what I was going to say and maintained a calm composure even though inside I was heated. Anyways, when my SD asked who I wanted to talk to I said I wanted to talk to the both of them. I started off by very calmly asking my SD, "What can your father and I do to get you to pick up after yourself without having to ask you do it first?" She replied with a smug look on her face, "What do you mean?" Really?! What part of that didn't you understand you effin retard?! Thats what I really wanted to say, but I repeated myself. I finally told her that if she leaves for school without cleaning the clothes off of her bathroom floor and counters, that I was taking them for a week. She chuckled and said, "..and what if I have no more clothes?!" To me, that remark was one the needed her to be slapped in the mouth! Mind you, my husband is sitting right on the couch saying NOTHING! Not backing me AT ALL! When she made that comment he bopped her on the head and said, "Just pick your stuff up." I told her that that also meant leaving her things in the livingroom such as Ipods, cell phone.. etc. I was gonna take them for a week. Any papers would get thrown away.. etc. She just kinda shrugged it off and I walked away feeling so humiliated. Here I am busting my ass for these people, trying to help and this is what I get!? Sometimes I feel like I am being too critical, but what else am I suppose to do?! I don't want a trashy house and I don't want to have to pick up after her either! She's 13! Isn't it way passed time that she learn some responsibilities?! I hate feeling alienated.. I seriously feel like Cinderella. When things like this happen I just want to give up and not help out anymore. Any advice would be welcome!

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Ha ha, JINX! I was typing it

Ha ha, JINX! I was typing it as you were posting it. Glad I'm not the only one that does semi extreme things to make the point sometimes.

Hey, it works, though.

I have a solution for you,

I have a solution for you, but it's an unpopular stance and will make you unpopular until she realizes it's up to her to make the change.

Don't ask her to pick up anymore. At all.

Do exactly this:

1. Drop her off at school.

2. Take a black Hefty bag to her room and bathroom. Pick up everything that is slovenly and insert it in the bag. All of it. Clothes. Personal items. Anything that is not put in it's proper place.

3. Tie the bag shut. Put it in your attic, basement, shed, crawl space, whatever you call storage. I would say put it in your closet, but it might smell bad if it's dirty clothes.

4. Pick her up from school. Say NOTHING.

5. When asked "Have you seen my ___________", say "Where did you leave it?" When she says "on the floor" you say "Oh, dear. I'm afraid I thought that was trash and threw it out. From now on I suggest you put things where they belong, because throwing things on the floor is a sanitation hazard if not worse. Sorry about your _________, but to be fair, you've been asked to clean it up."

Make this the standard. I recently cleaned BS11 and SS12's bedroom (that's being generous to call it a bedroom) with a snowshovel and an outdoor trash can. I haven't had to so much as ask them to turn a sock right side out since then. Sugar wouldn't melt in the little darling's mouths.

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I agree! I felt so alone for

I agree! I felt so alone for so long and its nice to finally find a place to vent to people who understand where I'm coming.

One majjor thing I see here

One majjor thing I see here is that you have to get your husband on the same page as you. Once you have him agreeing with you, the rest would go very smoothly.

I'd sit down nad talk toy uor hubby about what the consequences whould be. Come up with a plan you can agree on.

If it was my house, I would collect everything in a bag for a week (like other posters said) and on a friday (right before weekend fun time) I would empty the bag onto her bed. Then the next rule would be "you can't go anywhere with friends, talk on the phone, play on the computer, etc until your bedroom is clean."

But like I said, it won't work unless hubs is backing you up on the "house rules".

I have tried for the past

I have tried for the past year (since we got custody of her) to get him on the same page as I am, and he simply refuses. He'll agree to things that I say, but I feel it's only to shut me up because it's only temporary. Getting her to pick her things up has been a constant battle. I've gone so far as to make a chores for her. Somedays her chores would get done, most days they would not. He never went over her chore list to make sure things were done correctly or if at all.. I always had to, and I just got sick of being the only party that even cared enough to enforce this rule. Needless to say, she just stopped doing her chored all together after a few months (after she was able to save enough money to buy herself her Ipod). I've sat down with hubby and told him my idea about gathering up her stuff that is left all over the place and he pretty much told me to not be so hard on her. He says, and these are his exact words, "You have to remember, she's still a child." After several attempts, he doesn't seem to be on the same page as I am.. and if he agrees to anything, its clearly only to shut me up because he follow throughs with nothing. As far as him not backing me on things, this is an ongoing problem as well. This is why she pipes in with her cocky attitude and questions me.. because she has been allowed to talk to me like this for so long that it's not seen as a problem. Thanks for the feedback. I'm going to try and sit him down once more and tell him how I feel, but he generally gets aggrevated and just assumes that I hate his kid

I think that DH shoud have

I think that DH shoud have backed you up esp in front of SD. By not doing so, SD may think she can say and do whatever she feels whenever.

Spot on raggedyann...this is

Spot on raggedyann...this is exactly the problem in my home. And if DH does say something and doesn't follow through then it a complete lost cause.

Also, when I talk to husband

Also, when I talk to husband about this, he also tells me that I want too much for her to be "perfect". How is this wanting her to be perfect?! Because I want her shit picked up before she goes to bed at night and leaves for school in the morning?! Thats wanting her to be perfect?! LOL, okay you delusional freak!

I know right and then when

I know right and then when your bio does something really no big deal like eat the last of something that they wanted or stay up too late, BF/SO carries on about it is like my son killed somebody....jeesh people, parent your own kid like you do mine and all would be good...

Expecting someone to carry

Expecting someone to carry there weight in a household is not expecting them to be perfect. I think youyr hubs is in need of a "come to jesus" meeting with you. He may not understand it from your point of view.

Maybe point out to him that until your happy with an aggreed upon arrangement between the three parties, thome life is going to stay quite miserable. Maybe that would get to him.

Just leave the clothes. It

Just leave the clothes. It may kill you; it pains me to leave anything a mess!! (it really does) I used to seperate her clothes and just do others; just to prove a point; that may be the CHILDISH thing to do; but sometimes just for a minute you have to stoop down. I have a sD13 Full time along with 3 others. After awhile it may get better. Yesterday I came home to my SD13 doing the laundry and my BD11 emptying the dishwasher. Sometimes if you show them how much you actually do; they see it... MAYBE

I agree with just leave the

I agree with just leave the clothes and shut the door. Wait for DH to ask why you didn't vacuum her room and everyone elses, then you have your moment of well...plus they will do it eventually after they wear dirty clothes a couple of times.

Uh, seriously? Obviously,

Uh, seriously? Obviously, you're uncomfortable with popping her upside her smart mouth. So imagine she's your bio kid, and for whatever reason, you can't (not saying you should, just taking it out of the equation- can't blame you for wanting to but props for restraint. Save it for your hubby).
Go to the thrift store. Buy a week's worth of the ugliest clothes you can find in her size. When she doesn't pick up her clothes, lock them up somewhere.
Guess what? you only have to provide a mattress with bedding, food, shelter, and clothing.
T.V.s, video games, music players? Buh-bye. Don't care if they came from the other parent. You're not playing with them in MY HOUSE when you don't respect me. This stuff is yours, huh? Well, this house is MINE and you disrespected it, how does it feel?
Won't drain the tub? Keep it from holding water (take the stopper, if it has a mechanism, disable it). Tell her if she can figure out what's wrong she should be able to know how to use it.
No more clothes b/c she won't pick them up? Here you go, got these for you. You don't get nice things if you refuse to take care of them.
Hubby gives you crap about it? "One day, she'll have to pay for her things herself. She'll never have anything nice if she can't take care of it. Do you want her to end up in a disgusting home with a car that keeps breaking down? Don't you want her to learn the lifeskills she needs to be a responsible adult?"
She wants her stuff back? Let her earn piece by piece... with extra chores and good behavior. Eventually, she'll figure out she'll cut down her workload if she just does what she's supposed to do
Oh, and if she refuses to go to school in those clothes.
Go ahead. I'll call the school and they'll send the police out regarding your truancy. Do you really think the police are gonna care that you don't have pretty enough clothes, when they have to deal with kids who live in roach and rodent infested slums who haven't worn clean clothes in a year? They'll just love dealing with this one.
Hubby tries to give her her stuff back? No. If you have to, take it to a friend's or relative's house. He sounds like her could use a little training too.
Demands to go back to her mother. Okay. Gonna be hard coming all the way over here every time you want to earn some of your stuff back.

Stand your ground. These are not unreasonable requests. Send her to my mother and let her learn the real meaning of unreasonable. Good luck!

Hubby and I talked about it

Hubby and I talked about it this morning and all he does is make excuses for her. To him, I still hate her. How am I suppose to like a kid that continually mistreats me and he does nothing about it??! He doesnt even see the way she talked to me last night as wrong. He said, "She's 13. When she get 14,15,16 and starts puberty.. its gonna get worse and she'll probably start talking to me like that too! You're exaggerating!" I finally had to tell him: "If it were YOU having this conversation with her, would she have piped in with her stupid ass, cocky attitude and started questioning YOU?" He thought about it for a minute and said "NO." Exactly. I told him that she needs to treat me with the same respect that she treats you, and she's not and YOU"RE allowing it! I refused to take her to school today. I do it for him to help him out so that he isn't late for work and doesnt have to leave work to go get her from school and take her home. Not today.. I washed my hands. I told him I was in no way shape or form contributing unless I start being respected as the step mom, wife and adult that I am. I'm proud of myself for once FINALLY standing up for myself. I grabbed a trash bag this morning and started the first day of throwing her shit away thats left out. So far I tossed a bath toy (13 and still has bath toys.. I know, dont get me started! LOL), a razor and shaving cream. That stuff I tossed. As far as the clothes, I heard hubby telling her this morning before they left to make sure her clothes were off the floor so I wasent able to grab any of those but I'm sure I'll get to here in the next couple of days! I really appreciate all of your feedback. Its nice to hear advice from people who arent directly involved!

Her BM is defintely a piece

Her BM is defintely a piece of work.. but hubby is becoming just as problematic so why not just ship the shithead back to her moms so I can get back to having a happy home.. I feel bad saying that, but its the truth!

I pick up SD crap and put it

I pick up SD crap and put it in a really crappy spot where its not easy for her to find...for example, i tell all the kids to put their shoes in the basket or on this shelf i have for shoes and put bookbag in room or closet downstairs. Im a little ocd, i admit it, but i hate a cluttered house. So i pick up her shoes graciously and put them way in the back of closet and a lot of other shoes on top of it so she has to dig. I shove her laptop way under the couch so she has to bend her fat butt to get it cuz she never unplugs it. Just one example.