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ExH was not clear with his request for time, but it's my fault?

amber3902's picture

Per our custody agreement, both my exH and I get two weeks of vacation time with our two daughters during the summer when school is out. I usually let my dad spend that time with the girls, and exH lets his mother use his time. Because his mother can never make her mind up as to when she wants to spend the two weeks, I had it stipulated in our custody agreement that exH has to give me notice of when he wanted his two weeks vacation by May 1st or he forfeits the time.

The reason I want the dates so early is because my dad needs to know so he can make flight arrangements for when he gets the girls. Plus, I also want to plan things with the girls as well.

I kept asking exH to give me the dates when his mom wanted the girls, and his mother as usual, hemmed and hawed and couldn’t make up her mind. Finally, exH told me the girls were not going to New York as they usually do when they visit his mom. Instead, his mom was coming down here to Charleston and she would spend time with them while she was here.

His exact words were “Mom is coming down here so she’ll spend time with them while she’s here.”

My exH works nights during the week, so he never has the girls spend the night with him during the week, only on Saturday nights when he does not have to work. Understandably, he does not want them at his place overnight if he has to work, he lives in a bad neighborhood and is concerned for their safety.

So when his mom came into town I told exH just to let me know when his mom wanted to spend time with the girls. He never told me any times, until it was almost the end of the time she was in town, and the girls went over and stayed for a couple of days, I think it was from Thursday to Saturday.

At the end of his mom’s visit he called me on the phone and told me his mom knew when she wanted the girls next summer. I was very surprised and a little suspicious why she was giving me a WHOLE year’s notice when she wanted the girls next when before she couldn’t make up her mind a couple of months in advance before. But ummm, okay.

Now just the other day my 15 year old asked me mom, why did you not let me stay with my grandma this summer?
I said what do you mean? She said grandma could not understand why she couldn’t get time with her and her sister this summer.

I said that was not the case. I kept asking your dad to let me know when your grandma wanted to spend time with you and he would never tell me. And eventually he told me that his mom was coming down here instead so she would just spend time with you while she was here. And while she was in town I kept asking him when your grandma wanted to see you and he would never tell me.

So I get on the phone with exH. Come to find out, my exH’s mom stayed with him for the two weeks, which I did not know. She usually stays either in a motel or with other relatives. The whole time my exMIL was in town, exH never mentioned anything about his mom staying with him, so it wouldn’t be a problem for the girls to spend the night.
ExH he said I knew that his mom was staying with him. No, I did not. He started yelling at me and when I said please stop yelling he said he wasn’t yelling and that I must have a crappy phone. When we were married he would always make this snide remarks like this, insulting me in a passive aggressive way.

So I started cussing at him and it just down hill from there. I don’t know why the idiot didn’t just say, hey, mom is staying with me, so it’s no problem for the girls to spend the night over here while she’s staying with me. But he keeps insisting I KNEW his mom was staying with him. I said so I’m supposed to be a mind reader now?

Then he says, it's over with now, WHY are you bringing this up a whole two months later? I said, DD just asked me about this a couple of days ago. He said so why didn't you ask me this when you dropped the girls off Saturday? I said, no way, so you could make a scene in front of the girls the way you are now?

I told him I was bringing it up because I know it's going to happen again, come Christmas. I know when Christmas comes his mom will come down and will want to see the girls. Again, I’ll ask and ask him to let me know when he wants the girls, and they’ll drag their feet.

I’m pissed because they have my DD thinking I’m keeping her from seeing her grandma, when that was not the case. They are the ones that can't make their mind up until the last minute. And then when I go ahead and make plans then I'm the bad one for not letting them spend time with the girls.

And now my exMIL makes a point of telling me a whole year in advance when she wants the girls next year, as if she’s putting her foot down with me or something.

I’m so sick of him not being clear with his explanations! This was such a big problem when we were married. And then I look like the big mean BM who won’t let daddy spend time with his kids. And it's my fault for not letting the girls spend time with their grandma.

Was I wrong? How was I supposed to know his mom was staying with him and could watch the girls while exH went to work at night?

Comments

Unfreakingreal's picture

Handle it like a business transaction from here on in. Send a VACATION REQUEST sheet with your 15 y/o. Tell her to have Dad fill that out with the dates he wants them. That way, your daughter sees who it is that is dragging their feet.
Leave it at that.

amber3902's picture

Yeah, I was thinking of having requests other than the regular Saturday visits, be arranged via email.

I was going to send him a text telling him this, but if I word it the wrong way that could cause an argument as well.

StepX2's picture

It sounds like it was your ex who dropped the ball on this possibly? Sounds like your ex just didn't tell you that his mom was going to be in town from such and such date and is now projecting his mistake onto you.
i like unfreakingreal's suggestion.

amber3902's picture

He told me his mom was in town, he just didn't tell me she was going to be staying with him, so the girls could stay over night with him.

When we were together, his mom would come to visit and she'd always divide up her time, staying with one relative for a couple of days, then a few days with us, then a few days with someone else.

And what's so frustrating is I kept asking him when did his mom what to see the girls, and in all the conversations he never said his mom was staying at his place for the entire two weeks, so the girls could stay over night.

Totalybogus's picture

If I were you, I would go ahead and make my summer plans. Let him know that these are the days that are off the table, the rest will be up for grabs.

I really don't know why your 15 year old daughter can't talk to her grandmother about vacation plans? Why do you and her dad have to haggle over it? Take dad out of the mix. He really doesn't have to be involved in that.

amber3902's picture

I did go ahead and made my plans, but he still didn't tell me when he wanted the girls. And I still wound up being blamed for not "letting" the girls see their grandma, even though I asked several times what days his mom wanted to see the girls.

And Dad has to be in the mix, because it's his time that he lets his mom have. I would not let a 15 year old make vacation arrangements with her grandma. That's something that needs to be arranged between me and her dad, because really it's his time that he's letting his mom get instead.

Totalybogus's picture

Why cant she have her own time with her grandchildren? You have them most of the time. If youre not comfortable letting your daughter talk to her grandmother about visiting, seems like you would fair better working out with her instead of him. You said hes not responsible and rarely takes his time with them. Seems youre creating your own drama.

I think 15 is old enough to come up with some dates with her grandmother to run by you for planning purposes. It would definitely eliminate any blame thay could be assesses to you in the future.

amber3902's picture

Totalybogus - where did I say exH rarely takes his visitation time?

I disagree that a 15 year old is old enough to make vacation arrangements. She doesn't know what I have planned for her. She can barely do the dishes correctly, I'm certainly not going to trust her to make her own visitation arrangements.

And I get along worse with grandma than exH. When I was married, my MIL and I had to relay information back and forth between my husband because our relationship was so strained. I couldn't say anything to grandma without her getting offended.

twoviewpoints's picture

Amber, some men are just communication fools. I can't begin to recall the number of times I've said something to my DH and then hear 'you didn't tell me that', or the classic 'that's not what you said'. I also get 'I told you this/that, it's not my fault you didn't remember'...pfft, I gave that game up long ago. I now note things on the wall calendar and make brief notes on his notepad he keeps by his throne , uh, I mean his kitchen nook area. With my Dh, part of it is he's deaf in one ear and I think some of the other times he's just not really listening to what I'm saying. Then I'm share there are a few times too I say one thing and he 'hears' what I said to 'mean' something else. I've also had him repeat what II just said to him occasionally so I know he 'heard' what was actually said and meant. He's a sweetie, but he is annoyingly frustrating when it comes to clear communication sometimes.

Now if my DH were my ex dh and we were doing this via phone or under sometimes strained situations, I really doubt DH would 'get' a d*mn thing I said correct or even remember. You're probably going to be more business like (as some said above) and email and document and your ex can respond back with questions and print out and pin next too his memo area. You might also send Gma a card with a note about 'girl's looking forward to seeing you when you're in town, please just let me know when so we can be sure to not cross plans'. Just something friendly polite and non-accusing. Gma has been at the mercy of her son's communication skills too, so she might actually appreciate a friendly reassurance from you that you intend to encourage a relationship between the girls and her and that the girls really look forward to gma time.

amber3902's picture

Yeah, communicating with exH is horrible. We would always get into an argument where it was I said such and such, and no I didn't say that. He was always gaslighting me.

And I just realized something. He keeps claiming I knew his mother was staying with him. Well, if I knew his mother was staying with him, I would have had the girls pack their clothes for two weeks when I dropped them off, and would not have picked them up from their dads for two weeks! That's how I know he did not tell me she was staying with him.

And I get along even worse with his mom. When we were married, any communication regarding my daughter I had to tell my then husband and he would relay it to her, because if I said anything to her directly she'd get offended. You know stuff like, please don't give her a bottle now that's she THREE YEARS OLD.

You're right, I'm going to use email from now on. That way he can't come back later and say, no, I said such and such when I know he didn't.

Drac0's picture

>Amber, some men are just communication fools.<

Actually we are just not good with social itineraries. LOL.

I can't speak for all guys, but I know that I, my Dad and my brother (especially my brother) are particularly bad with dates, times, who is coming and when, for how long, ect and passing on that information to other people.

Amber, it is entirely possible that your ex DID SAY that his Mom was staying with him but he did not say it to you. He then forgets who he gave this tidbit of information to and he *thinks* he told it to you. My Dad and my brother do this with their wives ALL THE TIME and it drives them nuts. Like I said, my brother is so bad that he refuses to say anything to anyone and just passes the phone to his wife so she can jot down all the information and pass it on to the respective parties involved.

I don't know if it is possible, but in order to avoid future conflicts, I'd just use email to communicate all the particulars about out-of-regular-custody schedules.

amber3902's picture

You're being too kind, Draco.

The problem is exH, and his entire family expect me to think, do and say exactly what they would think, do and say in every situation. And I'm either stupid or crazy if I don't think exactly how they would.

Definitely going with email communication, although I'm sure there's still going to be miscommunication, as least then I'll have a record of exactly what was said.

Drac0's picture

>And I'm either stupid or crazy if I don't think exactly how they would.<

Oh boy! I know how that feels! My ex-MIL was a woman of the 90's....The 1890's that is. She had very conservative views on how men and women should behave, dress and what careers they should have, etc. Throw in a touch veiled racism (i.e. "Well maybe that is what YOU PEOPLE do, but here we frown on such things") and I was dealing with the Spanish Inquisition every time I was over there for supper.