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Amanda_21's picture

Hey everyone!

I'm new to this site. I'll say this ahead of time, if I misuse any terms please let me know. I'm trying to learn and navigate through this new journey. I'm 28 year old woman engaged to the man of my dreams. We are set to wed in February and many things have been changing. He shares custody of an 8 year old girl, who is very sweet but like any child has their moments! I'm looking to make some friends here, vent and of course get the advice from someone that isn't involved. (We all know people on the outside can see better than those involved). I look forward to making some new relationships 

Comments

CLove's picture

Read the posts, prior to getting married. There are many experienced posters and you will be a little better armed for the future.

tog redux's picture

Oh boy.

Please be sure "the man of your dreams" is "the parent of your dreams" before you get married.

NoThanks's picture

Welcome to the club lol!

So, what do you mean by “has her moments”? No kid is perfect of course and to expect that would be foolish. But there’s a stark difference between occasionally misbehaving and toxic behavior that creates wakes in the family. You must’ve googled something, cuz you found this site. 

Dovina's picture

OP what did you google to find this site?

Me "My SD is manipulative"  and here we are....

SteppedOut's picture

Seriously OP, what did you google to bring you to this site? 

What issues are you having/seeing that brought you here?

ESMOD's picture

Welcome.  One thing to keep in mind is that everyone's experience is unique.  There may be some shared aspects of stepparenting, but no two people will experience things the exact same way.  Some on this site have endured some particularly horrible experiences.. Others have had relatively positive step-child interactions.

One of the MAIN sources of stepparent angst is their significant other.  Their spouse.. the bio parent they marry.  Poor Skid behavior is generally linked to poor parenting/permissive parenting.  Disney dads.. vindictive Ex-Wives.. Parental Alienation.  

Second in the hit parade is kind of a tie in my opinion and that is the step-parent and the EX.  Because while the EX can spew a lot of toxic and they can try to control things from outside the home.. and put pressure on a family financially etc.. the Step parent is actually IN the home.. potentially making big changes to routine, behavior expectations, prioritization etc..

Generally, the child just ends up being a reflection of all the adults around. 

So, going in, it is important for you and your DH to be on the same page with regards to important things like finances, parenting of his child (ie what does he expect of you... what do you expect of the child...etc...) . 

You are being honest when you say the kid isn't perfect.. and no child is.. and we aren't either.  So go easy on yourself.  Try to maintain a sense of empathy for others including your stepdaughter.  Don't let your DH off the hook on his responsibilities to cherish you as his wife and parent his child.

SteppedOut's picture

"So going in make sure you are on the same page..."

Very, very important. And make sure you see the things in practice, not just him agreeing on everything - finances, parenting, chores, etc. 

Finances are going to be big... is he going to help with a car? College? Will she be written into his will?  It might seem like things that are a long way off... but all items that will cause issues later. Especially if you have children together. 

advice.only2's picture

Uh-oh you used some of the key words "man of my dreams" and "who is very sweet but like any child has their moments!" God speed, you are going to need it.

Amanda_21's picture

I searched for step mom support groups on google. This is what came up and I read some of the brutally honest posts (as I can see some here! lol) I take no offense. Well our situation is a bit strange, I'll admit that. SOOO I suppose I have to give you a short back story...if there is a way of doing that. My to be husband and his ex split a while back because of cheating on her part. He met her when her daughter was an infant and the bio dad wanted nothing to do with the daughter so he took on the role as dad. I found out from others that he actually did most of the parenting...going to be honest I was pretty surprised but makes sense now why hes so attached to this little girl. Mom has an interesting track record with men to say the least. After they divorced she was with the man she had an affair with. They immediately moved in together and were together for a bit. Then in the beginning stages of us dating he had mention that the ex and her lover were on the outs because he lost trust in her...she moved back with her parents and now has her "fiance" living with them.

I'm fully aware that he technically has no legal rights and so is he. The mom has enough sense to not take her father figure out of her life. SD figured out that hes not her bio dad but still sees him as Daddy, thank God for that. We all come from very different worlds. Her mom comes from money and has no respect for it. My to be husband and I have worked very hard for what we have. Of course I see the mini-me version of her mom and it makes me worried for her future. Especially since I know it will have a big impact on him. 

SD started out very polite and sweet. She still is, but I am noticing some very bratty behavior. She's spoiled for a fact. Mom doesnt have and rules for her and dumps her at a camp or someone else house because "she needs a break" after one day of her. We have rules at our house and I know its been a tough adjustment for her but I hope she realizes at some point we are trying to provide stability. I know its only going to get worse as she gets older too. 

ESMOD's picture

That IS a little different.. though I think I have seen a couple semi-similar situations on here.  This is the bottom line though.

If your DH has not legally adopted this girl, he is ultimately at the mercy of his EX.  Even if he has no CS order (which I am assuming he has no court order because the child isn't legally his)... his EX could certainly blackmail him into giving her resources etc.. so that he keeps the contact with this child.

This also means you and your DH won't have the protection of a CO and will be at BM's mercy with any decisions she wants to make about allowing him access etc..

Also, if he is VOLUNTARILY paying his EX money towards the support of a child that is not legally his.. how will you feel when and if you have a child of your own?  Will you resent the money leaving your home?  Will you resent the time and attention directed outside your home?

And.. what will happen if his EX goes "happy family" with the next guy she hooks up with and wants HIM to be the new daddy and summarily excludes your DH?

Just as a matter of practicality, your DH should have some kind of power of attorney that will cover his ability to take care of her when she is with him (hospitalized..can't contact BM etc.).

Harry's picture

BM can stop her from seeing SO.  He can not go to court over that.  He can not make any medical decisions for her.  Is she get hurt in your care.  You can not do anything but contact BM.  You are no better then a unpaid babysitter.  

So if you want to invest your time and money into this child, she not your SD. That your choice 

AlwaysSmiling's picture

It's sad that the "8 year old girl" is where the red flags lit up in my mind.

So many unhealthy boundaries with little girls this age and their fathers.

Then you say that he isn't even the bio dad...with no legal rights... omg- run girl run!

It sounds admirable for a man to take on the role of father to a fatherless child- it really does sound admirable. Or at least I think I used to think this was admirable. Now, all I see is a redflag showing a man that won't be able to put healthy boundaries in any future relationships bc he has unhealthy boundaries with his ex.

Good luck- sounds like a nightmare, not dream- not to me anyway.

Amanda_21's picture

You guys are all correct. Im a cop so I’ve seen plenty of the baby mama drama. I’m waiting for these dreadful days to come...it’s only a matter of time. Ive already prepared myself for the “you’re not my mom” routine but I don’t know how he’ll handle the “you’re not my dad”. As for the babysitter comment. I absolutely feel like that sometimes. BM supports the child 99%. So it’s fairly easy on us but it it takes an emotional toll. I also feel that BM had her way too young and pawns her off so she can live her extravagant lifestyle. It’s sad because I personally feel the child is neglected from that side and we only know some of it from what slips out of BM and how much an 8y/o can articulate. 

ESMOD's picture

I know this will likely break your STB DH's heart.. but I foresee this lady relying on him less and less to interact with her daughter.  He was "good enough" when they were together.. but once she starts dating someone new? probably not so much.

The scenario also gets complicated when that new guy doesn't want her to keep in contact with your DH.  he can literally say.. "he isn't her dad.. why do you have to keep in contact?".  He can likely guilt her into that if she doesn't already figure that it will be easier to turn the new guy into SD's daddy figure.

I know it sucks..and it sounds like your guy really stepped up, but it sounds like his EX is a bit of a flake.. and I wouldn't count on her doing the right thing for the child.

Amanda_21's picture

I couldn’t agree with you more. BM definitely is a flake and I can see what the future holds. DH knows it too but he still remains optimistic. This is why I reached out to this site. I know it’s going to be a tough road ahead. 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, this is a tough one. How much time does he have with her? In reality, he has no legal rights to participate in school or medical stuff.  It's good that he's not just leaving this little girl behind as he moves on, but how will this work?  How does he keep positive with her and not get too attached, knowing this relationship could be jerked away at any time?

If you guys are the only ones with rules, you can expect her to stop wanting to come over by 13 or so.  Maybe he should start now just being an "uncle" type figure, seeing her every other weekend for a day or so, and not investing in long-term parenting (unless BM will allow him to adopt her, which would be a whole other ball of wax and not recommended.)