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Woke from a dead sleep

aimlesstech's picture

I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now and only stay overnight with him on some weekends since we both have 17 yo daughters. Mine is ok with the relationship and his is not. I have routine visitations with my daughter every other week and his comes and goes whenever she pleases. We stay at my place on weekends when I have my daughter but if his daughter shows  up at his house he has to leave. She demands that he come home when she decides to mysteriously show up. Needless to say this upsets me a lot!  He has a 20 year old son at home doing nothing so I dont understand why she cannot be supervised by him if she decides to pop over for the night. When she is home she hardly leaves her room and will not participate in anything we are doing.

The last issue I have had staying at his place, she came home unannounced from BM house and went straight to her room at 7pm and never came out. My boyfriend and I went to sleep around 1130pm and at 245am  I woke to pounding on the bedroom door and trying to open it!            It scared me out of a deep sleep and my dog started barking!! I then heard her run up the stairs to her room. My boyfriend had gotten a text from her wanting his cc# to buy a book online!! Since he wasnt answering,  Im assuming she decided to come wake us up. The next day I left at 4pm and never saw her come out of her room! No punishment from dad and he never tried to talk to her about how disrespectful she was acting. It seems as if she can do whatever she wants and he will never do anything about it!

Comments

JRI's picture

I don't know if she is a full- fledged mini-wife but this site contains many, many tales of daughters with daddy issues, poor boundaries, resentment of other women, fathers who are reluctant to parent, entitlement. manipulation, etc

You know what I mean.  Just read around this site.  Good luck.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

It doesn't sound like anything has changed since March. Unless and until your DH decides to stand up to his daughter, nothing is going to change. In most cases, it sounds like he is choosing her over you, and you need to decide if you can continue to put up with that.

He lets her steal from you with no consequences. He leaves you to be with her with no notice. He lets her wake you up in the middle of the night for no reason. He doesn't seem to really respect you.

Kes's picture

I'm assuming she still has your coat?   If I were you, I would tell SO that I am not prepared to go to his house, full stop, and be subjected to theft and awful behaviour by his daughter.  Personally I would be strongly in favour of ending the relationship with him because he is going to allow her to walk all over him, all his life and it will drive you demented. 

aimlesstech's picture

Coat was found in the house as she told him where she hid it.  He returned it to me and no punishment to her.  I confronted her about it and she said she wouldn't do it again.  I have since left things in the living room and kitchen and nothing has been taken.  I think she is resorting to other things now.  I plan on confronting this as well.  She just hides up in her locked room so it's difficullt to get to her.  Dad has no problem with me talking to her about this stuff.  He says Im better at it.  All else is fine until she walks into the house.  I just wish he could figure out that being a parent is not being their friend.  Rather it is showing them the way!

Steppedonnomore's picture

"Dad has no problem with me talking to her about this stuff.  He says I'm better at it."  What that really says is that he is not willing to parent his child and wants to lay it off on you.  

justmakingthebest's picture

Why does his daughter have any say or control over your relationship. 3 years together- not 3 months. You are obviously commited so his daughter needs to be told to STFU and deal with it. 

If your BF won't put his foot down, leave him. You have your own home. Date others. Maybe once she goes to college things will change but not likely. This would be a deal breaker for me.

Steppedonnomore's picture

Why do you put up with him jumping up and running away from you when his mini-wife beckons?

CLove's picture

I think you have not had any improvements since your last post? Hard to tell. The stealing stopped? But she continues to control your SO?

"She demands that he come home when she decides to mysteriously show up". Read that statement and re-read it.

That wont really stop unless he chooses to stop it. And he isnt. He doesnt parent her and at 17 its almost too late for her to change. No one but you and yours want change.

If you think moving in will make things better, it wont. His 20-year old living with him and not doing anything, that wont suddenly change and it will make you mad. The 17 yo will continue her disregard of you and that will make you mad. Youve stated previuosly that you can "talk to her about these things". Well hows that working for you so far?

Really really think if this is the right situation for you and your kids. Date him, dont move in.

aimlesstech's picture

Last night we had a male friend over and the conversation about SD17 began. I was basically told by SO that I need to take the punishment by her because I was the cause of his marriage being split up. Thats how she feels. She took my winter coat in March and hid it in his house. Last night the friend and SO said I had several coats I could wear in my closet! I was really hurt by all of that and I felt like I was being ganged up on. I decided to leave and my SO tried to get me to stay. I left anyway after taking down the huge picture of his kids over his bed and sliding it under it. We have talked about how it makes me uncomfortable to have that there along with 4 other ones surrounding the room. He had taken it down for me and put it up at some point without saying a word. He says he likes it. So here I am on Saturday without any call or text from him. I guess Im getting my punishment now.

JRI's picture

He showed you his true colors.  It was going to go downhill from here.  You dodged a bullet.  Soon this will be just an incident in your rearview mirror.   Find a man who is worthy of you.  Good luck.  ( I know it's hard).