Look for Sunshines's response - she has first hand experience in this area and can give you some great advice. Search for her responses to other SM's with the the same feelings - she has written some well thought out posts that you will find helpful. PM her if she doesn't respond.

I felt this way when I had my daughter. You just want to focus on your baby and spend all your time with your baby and be a normal family. You have a bond with your baby that you'll never have with your SS and you can actually make decisions about what happens with your child. You can parent them however you want and raise them how you see fit. SS already has 2 parents, so you don't have the desire to be as involved now that you have your own child.

My guess is that you may be sad about not having a traditional family unit, free of skids. Your child won't be the sole focus of you and your SO's attention or finances. I've been feeling this same way. Wishing it was just the 3 of us. I just try to stay positive and push those pointless thoughts out of my mind. I find ways for all of us to spend time together bonding. I bring his kids small gifts, such as candy, coloring books, etc., Ive done activities, such as painting, with them, and I've planned fun museum trips. It's been a struggle but I know that I never want his kids to feel left out or like they don't matter anymore because I know what that feels like and it sucks. It would be nice for them to have a good relationship with our DD, as well.

I'm going through this right now, and I haven't even had our baby yet.

I think for me, now that I'm feeling the baby kick & move & I feel more connected to it, it's causing me to realize there's a massive difference in how I feel about my skids vs how I feel about my unborn child.  I've always known I wouldn't love my skids the same as my own child, but now being pregnant I'm really starting to feel it.

I think all we can do is be patient & kind to ourselves. I feel so much guilt that I feel the way I do right now, especially because I've always enjoyed my skids & right now I'd rather they not be near me. It's not a nice feeling, and it's causing tension between DH & I even though he's being supportive & understanding about it.

I think when your baby is older & you see how much your DD loves her big brother it'll help shift your feelings a bit. I'm really hoping that's the case for me. In my case, the boys are excited about having a new sibling & focusing on that has been helping ease my feelings a bit. I think it'll be that much better when he/she is old enough to start looking up to his/her brothers & I can see how much love there is between them.

Is there any way you & your DH can get your SS more involved with the baby so he feels he's got a place in the new dynamic?  It's hard for kids, even in intact families, when a baby comes along.  I think putting a cap on any jealousy-fuelled misbehaviour paired with making him involved in some way could help?

Be kind to yourself though!!  Stepparenting is hard, harder than anyone anticipates I think.

Who was 17 when our daughter was born. I think all the usual silent treatment from him, pretending i was invisible, dumping his rubbish for others to deal with etc and just be a total mess, whilst i know all those things were happening it wasn’t till my daughter and son were born that it really hit me that this wasn’t a healthy environment to bring up children in as many issues hubby had failed to address.

5 weeks after my daughter was born, lack of sleep, colic, fussiness, no help from hubby - he’d come home from work at 9pm and he would be so angry having to hold our crying daughter. Why wouldn’t she cry when she could feel his body language was he didn’t want to hold her just yet, he wanted to relax from a stressful day at work. Suddenly i burst into tears just as hubby was leaving for work. The past 2 days i had gotten 2 hours sleep in total because hubby slept through all the cries at night unless he whinged how bubs was interrupting his sleep, it was me making bottles, diaper hanging and putting her to sleep whilst i was in tears. I had passed my limit. Hubby panicked and only when he saw me in tears he now suddenly wanted to hold our daughter and i told him no and just leave.

later in the day he thought i was upset at hubby not wanting me to go to his nephews engagement party just between my sil and the fiancees family. I told hubby that was the least of my concerns. I hated the way he treated me like i was trash or disabled and that we were a burden and hassle to come along. My daughter was so happy to go out and watch it rain, she was bored being couped up in the house

i lost it with my husband being overwhelmed with a newborn, no support from his, his 17 yr old son dumping dirty dishes, cups, utensils in the sink- never washing them, dumping his trash on the floor, he would open and slam doors so hard waking up our baby.... then for over a month i had no breakfast, no lunch and barely found time to cook dinner and when i did finish cooking just before ihubby got home, hubby would tell ss17 to come have dinner first. Hey arsehole!! How about you and your son spend time with the baby and let me eat first, have a shower, just 30mins to recharge and destress!! Nope ss17 was a priority when he just stayed in his bedroom playing computer games. Other times hubby got home at 8.30pm and said ss wanted to eat dinner out and hubby would say why don’t you stay home with the baby and i’ll get you something. So yay dinner at 9.30-10pm (the only food i had that day)

i told hubby i was not his cleaner, dishwasher and that the way i and our daughter had been treated by them 2 arseholes was unacceptable. Hubby apologised and the hurtful thing was he knew for a few days i was in a bad place and he did nothing. He knew exactly what his son was and wasn’t doing and did nothing. He knew ss emotional abuse towards us and did nothing. I actually told hubby i wished i never had our daughter with him and this environment. 

Hubby apologised and he took ownership for his sons unacceptable behaviour. He actually messaged him from work telling him he is not to dump his dirty dishes for me to clean, i am busy with a baby and he better get off his arse to clean up and his dirty trash. Ss said “i didn’t know i had to clean my dirty dishes” hubby lost it with him. Who the hell is gonna wash it for you, thats your mess and you clean it. He told his son that when he opened and closed doors to not be so rough and loud as it always woke up the baby... 

hubby had gotten so used to being a non present parent, not having his kids with ex having a typical relationship wanting cuddles, affection or just some me time. At one point hubby told me to stop beig so lovey dovey with our daughter (6months old) because she just cries when no one is holding her. Trust me hubby copped it from me, this coming from a man whose own kids with exwife have no affection for him. I don’t believe a parent can ever give too much love but you certainly can not give enough!!

that was a wakeup call for hubby and he realised our daughter missed him and just wanted cuddles with dad. Both our kids are lovely and hubby looks forward to coming home and playing/cuddling with them because we 3 are his de-stressers. Skids (all 3 of them) and exwife are a never ending source of stress for hubby.

my daughter is 3 yrs old and my son will be 2 next month, relationship with skids is as pathetic as usual. Skids haven’t changed, they don’t care about their dad or any of us but sd’s want pics of our kids just for show and to brag but they don’t care about anyone but themselves

things got worser with skids and the past 1 year i really amped up the standing up for myself, we deserve a harmonious home environment but skids don’t allow that to happen, there is no respect of our boundaries, the emotional abuse, the disrespect and attitudes haven’t changed but hubby has started since end of last year taking more responsibility. Gone are the typical excuses of hubby that he’s stressed, that i need to be patient and it takes time for his kids to be respectful, decent and civil human beings... i don’t want the lip service, i want action. I even told hubby i wanted divorce now because i can’t be in this environment with him and toxic feral arsehole skids because they’re destroying our relationship and he enables and encourages them to amp up their behaviour and disharmony at home

i don’t see our kids having a relationship with skids because they have no respect for their dad and how hard he works to help give them a better life or headstart and a chance at university(something alot aren’t fortunate to get), they just manipulate, guilt people and threaten to get what they want....

hubby actually told me if i left him he would die a lonely old man, because not one of his skids woild ever care or be responsible enough to care for him in old age. They’d be waiting for their inheritance money. There has not been 1 thing hubby can tell me he is proud of skids doing or achieving because they half arse everything... all i ask for is basic respect, support and harmony at home and there will never be a reason for me to want to leave hubby. He has stepped up majorly regarding ss20 behaviour because he is the worst. All it took was for hubby to stop being disney day and manipulated by ss, he just had to stand up for himself and lay down the law like a hurricane. Ss20 has not talked to me in 2 years, he comes home every few weeks for the weekend from university. I have told my husband i am done with skids, i want no relationship with them, too much has happened that we can never get passed with. Hubby manages that relationship separate from me. 

When his family try to compare my son to ss, hubby says no they are not similar, they are very different separate people that you can’t compare. Ss is not a brother and neither are the sd a sister to our kids. They are by title only but not in relationship one bit. Thank god my inlaws know how dysfunctional skids all are and always compliment on the differenc with my kids and will bring up in private all the dysfunctional crap of skids... they know the problem is exwife and hubby couldn’t co parent effectively and they know i had a tough gig getting to where i am and to push hubby to be the proper dad he is today, it was hard work...

you need to have a man that is an active parent and to manage and address the dysfunction. A parent divorced or not is capable of managing the relationships with multiple children of theirs at the same time.

anytime skids try to push for a meet outside of just them to play imaginary happy family, hubby shuts that down. They’ve been told as of 6 months ago no more, they are capable of coming as hubby should mot be forced or guilted into playing imaginary happy family with skids when he wants all his kids to spend time together with him and inclusive of me. I have told hubby that day will never happen- it’ll be a bloody miracle.

as a new mum, its a learning curve, just take it 1 step at a time and remember, when you ate overwhelmed, tell hubby so he can help. If you aren’t well thats not gonna be good for bubs if you’re the primary carer as a sahm... take time out for yourself during the day. Even if bubs is crying all day, fussy, colicky, teething... take those 10 mins to make yourself a cup of coffee to destress for the day and make a sandwich or quick breakfast. That was the best tip a mum gave to me. Bubs is fine, you can come to her/him after a few mins. So after her morning bath i made my quick cup of coffee and breakfast and destressed and then dealt with the baby...

after your 1st child you’ll know the family dynamics and when you decide to have another, yoy can address with hubby what things need to change and make it clear, you want no lip service, just action... action is all you care about. The longer he lets the bad behaviours/attitudes continue, the worser it’ll get.

i am at peace with the fact my skids are toxic ferals and will never change. Thats on them to be that way but i focus on raising my kids to be positive individuals who can contribute to society... anytime bad behaviours or attitudes of skids continue, i tell hubby and he addresses this with skids and enforces it

one thing to remember, your husband doesn’t gaslight you. Often they don’t realise they’re doing this like when they say to skids “stepmum doesn’t like that you ignore her and your little sister and how you intentionally ignore her and thats not nice” when really your husband should say “i see how you ignore my wife and you little sister and i don’t like it. You should be an example to your little sibling and when you treat them like outsiders and intentionally do things to make them uncomfortable and not welcome in our home that we all live in, that hurts me and this needs to stop!!”

if skids don’t care about you and your child and go out of their way to sabotage the relationship with your husband and just make you feel unwelcome at home, they aren’t gonna care that you are upset, they’re actually gonna be happier and ramp it up... sorry for the long post but i hope this covers alot of things