This morning I cried...
Last night, before bed, I asked my H where the dog was:
He replied, "She is in the kids room."
I asked what I feel is a fair question, "They aren't going to hurt her, are they?"
Naturally since he can't recognize how evil his kids are, he asked, "Why would they hurt her?"
My response was a truth bomb, "Who knows why they do any of the things they do and they've proven themselves to be capable of quite a lot."
Silence.
Before he climbed into bed, he released the dog from their room.
Note to all concerned: They didn't hurt the dog.
So I couldn't sleep knowing that I'm sharing a roof with the skids. I have insomnia normally, but last night it was especially bad. I just lay there seething and ruminating over the hurt and anger that I feel. Every. single. time I hear their name, their voices, see something that belongs to them, or I even think about them: That chalk drawing comes to mind. It kills me that my H just... let it go. *poof* At his will it became a non-issue.
For me, it has become symbolic of his unwillingness to parent, regardless of the consequences to others. It's symbolic of just how bad he is willing to let things get. And things in our home are very bad at this moment. Fuck, I went out of town and stayed with relatives and intentionally stay out of the home or in the basement to avoid having to be around his kids! How much worse could it be? Of course, his mental gymnastics justify that as something is wrong with me, not the twins... *sigh*
It's symbolic of, in my perception, how little regard he has for me and my son.
By 7:00 a.m. I had worked myself into quite the frenzy and could no longer lay in bed. I got up determined to prop that drawing up on his nightstand so that when he woke, it would be the first thing he saw.
Unfortunately, or fortunately, he woke as I was trying to put the drawing where he could see it.
Then my dam broke. I started sobbing. I managed to choke out, "This is why I hide and why I can't even look at your kids. This is symbolic of what they - and you - are capable of. Can you even imagine how I feel that they lied their way out of having to accept responsibility for this - and you let them? Can you even imagine how much hurt and pain I feel knowing their motivation behind this act, like they wish my son were dead or something - and you never even handled it or took care of it? I am so angry and I am so very, very hurt. And I blame you. I blame you for all of it."
He said nothing for a long while as I cried. Then he whispered, "I am so sorry. What can I do to make it better?"
Believe me folks, I've been asking myself that question ever since it happened: What CAN be done to make it better? Initially, I would have liked the twins to accept responsibility for it. To apologize to me. To be held accountable.
But the time for all of that has passed. The damage is done, both to my son and I, and to the twins:
My son and I were flagrantly disregarded and horribly violated, and the twins got away with it. The message sent to everyone involved is so crystal clear that it's blinding:
The twins can horribly violate my son and I, and they will never be held accountable. My son and I don't matter, and the twins can do whatever the hell it is that they want without recourse.
The Cold War in our home just became an Arctic Zone.
Eventually I replied with, "The time for doing something about it has passed. The damage is done."
Then I walked out of the room. I'm back in the basement, in my craft room. Still crying.
I have to forgive him, but I suppose that I love the hurt and pain more than I want to forgive him. At this point, I could choose to let it go. I mean, who am I really hurting by holding onto it?
Just me.
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Comments
This is just awful!! I'm so
This is just awful!! I'm so sorry! I can't find your post about the chalk outline...what happened??
Thank you for remembering.
Thank you for remembering. They didn't just "scratch" it - they scratched his face out. It's much more than just simple carelessness, it was deliberate maliciousness driven by hatred and evilness.
OK I see it now! Those little
OK I see it now! Those little assholes!! I would hate them too if I were you. I would tell your husband they can't come over if they can't learn some respect.
(((LRP))) I'm so sorry you
(((LRP))) I'm so sorry you are going through this - but - what a huge step forward for the dam to finally break this morning. For the raw emotion of the truth to reveal itself. That will bring forth bigger change than we can know - straight from the heart of it. Your H heard you and felt you in that different way, and it changed something for him too. And no, don't go translating this into "I love the hurt and pain more than I want to forgive him" - no. When the pain is that deep and essential, when soul has been slashed with this violation, that takes a different process to heal. The wound is in the place without words, you showed him that this morning. The words will be the last to catch up. The question now is, how does he honor and hold space for YOU, now, having felt and acknowledged the depth of the wound. That is his work to do.
Hold you with the compassion you deserve, the brave you that let the truth beyond words to come forth. Breathe, rock, let yourself be there.
These were the kindest words
These were the kindest words anyone has said to me in a very long time. Thank you.
You are very welcome. Breathe
You are very welcome. Breathe with it and let the solutions that serve your truth and your essential self emerge. *breathe it * feel it * name it*
I have made the decision, and
I have made the decision, and informed my H, that if their behavior directly effects me, I'm calling them out on it. And I don't care if he likes how I do it or not.
With this particular incident though... it goes much deeper than that. The time for me to talk to them about it has passed. And besides, I don't even know what I would say to them about it without showing them how deeply they hurt me. These kids don't care who they hurt, and in fact, I've actually seen them swell with pride in themselves when they've made someone upset or cry. They NEVER show any remorse for their behavior. That is, no remorse beyond being upset they got caught or are being "corrected." I can't bring myself to let them know the damage they've caused. They wouldn't be sorry for it, they would be happy about it. And I don't know what's worse: The way things are now about it, or having them lie to MY face and gloat in MY face about it.
No thanks. Not this time. Not over this one. I would not be able to maintain a cool composure about it. It would be a raw conversation on my part - completely exposed and vulnerable.
Have you ever seen someone who, when they know they've hurt you and they see you crying and upset over something they've done to you, they get a little smirk on their face and a glint in their eye? And then, they just shrug their shoulders and are completely indifferent to how their behavior has negatively effected you? Then, IF they apologize it's a flat monotoned, insincere, off-handed, snide, eye-rolling, "fine-I'll-apologize-just-to-shut-you-up," kind of apology?
Yeah, that's these kids. IF you can even get THAT out of them, because before you get to that part, you will get the "SHUT UP's!" the lying, the blaming, the deflecting, the silence and ignoring, the "running away," the screaming, the door slamming, the throwing things, the crying, the name-calling, and the tongue-stuck-out-scrunched-up-fuck-you-face.
"Hammer down" Love it.
"Hammer down"
Love it. }:)
i know exactly what you mean
i know exactly what you mean when you say the time for doing something is over and the damage is done. that is exactly how it is with sd20. like SA, i waited for fdh to do something about her, as i would expect any parent to do something about their child acting like a complete cretin. he did nothing. over and over again, he did nothing. so she got the message loud and clear that she can do whatever she wants to me and it's ok. she kept getting worse as she got older. the few times i've been pushed too far and said something to the bitch myself, her eyes bugged out then she went and cried to everyone about how i hate her and i'm so mean to her. :sick:
at this point, i don't even want an apology from her. it wouldn't mean anything, it wouldn't be real. i don't want to hear her excuses for what she's done, her irrational rationalizations, nothing. i just want her out of my life. i wish i never had to see her ever again. i know that's not possible, so i would be happy for her to just stay away from me and never speak to me again.
Sorry, girl. I don't know
Sorry, girl. I don't know your DH enough to say one way or the other... but men seem to deal and respond better to hurt vs. anger. The fact that he asked you what he could do to make things better seems like a good sign. Maybe you can both start moving forward.
I guess what he has to recognize first is that his kids are capable of intentionally hurting you. That was the hardest step for my DH. He couldnt believe that his angels could hurt me on purpose out of hate and anger. Once he saw proof of this first-hand, shit changed. He just stopped tolerating them.
Insomnia is a horrible thing.
Insomnia is a horrible thing. I have had two bouts with it this past week. Sorry you have to deal with it. I know for me, it makes everything else worse. I hope you feel better soon and get some sleep.
It's rotten, isn't it? I have
It's rotten, isn't it? I have zero problems with falling asleep, I just can't seem to stay asleep.
Hope you get some sleep too.
I agree with what StepAside
I agree with what StepAside said. If they're in your home and having a negative impact on you, your home, your son, your dog, or anything of the sort, then you have a right to deal with them directly and let them know that the behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Sometimes this is easier said than done, way easier.
It was tumultuous at my own house with SD when I started dealing with her directly rather than just waiting for SO to do something. But, that's largely because a) it was his responsibility alone for so long before hand b) SD already built up a heaping pile of resentment towards me as a result of her own convoluted reasoning and c) SO still has a hard time backing me up because SD goes immediately into "poor me, I'm such a victim" mode when someone other than SO or GUBM corrects her misbehavior. And SO is a sucker when SD cries and plays the victim. So, naturally, this didn't help my situation any when SO would coddle her after I corrected her or asserted the expectations that we had of her in our house.
But, I think, as long as your DH is willing to back you up and can understand that the way you correct your Skids will likely differ from the way he would correct them (in that you WILL correct them whereas he doesn't), you can and should handle them yourself when they disrespect you or anything that is yours.
And I completely understand what you mean, LRP75, when you say that the time for them to accept responsibility has passed. Whenever SD does messed up things, the more time that gets placed between the act and the apology impacts the value of the apology for me. Because I know SD doesn't ever feel like she's in the wrong for what she does. She thinks she's perfect and that everything she does is right whereas everyone else is damaged, flawed, and wrong. I know that the only reason she ever apologizes to me is because SO talks her ear off about how wrong she was and blahblahblah. So, it removes the value and impact that a genuine apology from someone who legitimately realizes they were wrong would hold. But, I don't think that all hope is lost. It might take time, but, they can be shown that they are to respect you and your son.
I'm sorry about what they did
I'm sorry about what they did to your artwork. That has to be hard.
I can totally relate to not wanting a stepsibling. Been there, done that. But they should not have vandalized the work/possession of another human being. And more importantly, dh shouldn't have let them get away with it. I think he's even more culpable than the skids.
Maybe you two should consider marriage counseling. And he should definitely step his parenting up. Hopefully if he does, his kids will change for the better. And then maybe things can improve between you all. Shame on him for letting it get to this point.
And SA is right-talk to these kids yourself. You can't control how dh allows them to treat him but do stand up for yourself and your son as human beings.
I would personally just
I would personally just destroy something very close that means something to them. It's cruel and mean but that's the way I work. My DD knows it and my SS knows it. They would never destroy my things unless they wanted it to happen to their things. I have been criticized but I don't care! Children are running around like lunatics these days. I'm tired of trying to reason and I'm tired of this new age working things out with children and not spanking. The decline of spanking is directly related to the decline in decent child behavior. And to all the anti-corporal punishment people out there..... each of the children have been spanked maybe 3 times in their entire lives. They will act correctly and they will grow into decent human beings.
FML, you speaka my
FML, you speaka my language!!! LIKE!!!
OP, I really agree with what many on here have said regarding a)the time to punish and get vindication NOT having passed- they remember that they did it- it is NOT too late! and b)taking matters into your own hands with them. If we wait for DHs (or any other person in our lives, in any situation) to say what WE think needs to be said, it bottles up inside of us and whatever it was just doesn't have the outcome it could if we opened our mouths.
I know that with stepfamily dynamic sometimes we have to hold our tongues...but in my experience with SSs, I feel better when I speak up. Sometimes I run it by DH first, just to give him a heads-up, and sometimes he finds out after-the-fact, like if he has been away when an incident happened. I don't hold much back. In our house, we all play by the same rules. In that I consider myself very lucky.
You are definitely well within your rights as a stepparent to address this with them and then you and DH can figure out what their punishment should be. MAYBE even ask their input about what they think an appropriate punishment should be!!