Switching from having kids on same weeks to different
I have been married for 9mths now. I have 2 girls 7,13 and he has 2 kids girl, 7 and boy 18 (never here usually)- we both have our kids week to week and on the same weeks. Our kids are very opposite and tend to argue (esp.the 2- 7yr olds) most all the time. They do play together, but most of the week is spent diffusing arguments or hearing "thats not fair" "she got more than me" "I dont want to share my special toy"- so Im always rationalizing or yelling or separating them- I also feel like Im losing some of the connection I had with them before I got re-married - both sets of kids go back to the other parents which are in relationships with no other kids involved.. My kids have the most challenging time with this.. His seem to go with the flow a little better.. I was considering switching weeks so that we have them on the same weekends but diff weeks. Is that selfish to want to do that? I just feel like things would be more manageable and we could make the weekends with us all together special and have some one on one time with them by having them on separate weeks. I dont see many people who have this same situation - they either have their kids all the time or at least one set part of the time.. any advise would be appreciated!
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Well, the flipside to having
Well, the flipside to having "no arguing" that you will always have kids around. To some parents, that is just unacceptable.
Do you mind being a parent all the time? Is the peace worth it to you?
I dont mind being a parent
I dont mind being a parent all of the time. We will still get a weekend to ourselves. Having kids week to week is nice, but you really live empty the week they are gone.. for the first few days its a nice break, but its too long...
I pick up my kids from school
I pick up my kids from school even on Exhb's care days, otherwise I would feel the same.But kids free weekends rock!!:)
I agree, but I see on here
I agree, but I see on here time and time and time again women whining about having kids around...
When I chose to become a parent, I chose it for 100% of the time, and for many, many years.
When I married DH, I knew he was a parent. I never ASSUMED he was a 5% parent, a 50% parent, or a 20% parent. I knew he was a 100% parent, and that's a good thing... because we wound up with FT custody.
I am just seeing an increasing number of women who their "me time" instead of being bogged down with parenting...their kids and their DH's kids. If this poster wants her "spontaneity" and "me time" with DH, this arrangement won't work. If she's not selfish and understands they are both parents, it will work fine. IMO
In core families it is a
In core families it is a totally different situation than in step families!When remarrying it is important to have some time without the kids to bond with your partner.After all you don't have a long history together and need to bond .Unless the other birth parent can't or doesn't want to be involved I find nothing wrong with wanting to spend a few days JUST with your partner.
In my case exhb has the children 25% and I have them 75%, SO has his daughter 50% and we both enjoy some one and one time without children , although we are both committed and responsible parents.Is there anything wrong with that?
So you'd have one week his
So you'd have one week his kids, one week yours; one weekend all kids, one weekend no kids?
Honestly that sounds fantastic to me. Everyone gets one on one time with their own kids, the kids still see each other andbyou two still get alone time.
Yes, one weekend all kids -
Yes, one weekend all kids - one weekend just us - one week his kids and one week my kids - I think its a good idea too, but he thinks that you cant build a family that way.. My argument to that is our situation is unique anyway in that most re-married couples that I know dont have their kids all week and on the same weeks..usually one has them all the time or most and the others come and go weekend to weekend ..or they have them all, all of the time.. if that makes sense
I'm sort of torn on this one.
I'm sort of torn on this one. Yes, separating them is a possible solution. But would it just be a band-aid? On the other hand, is the conflict bad enough that this is the only current solution? Only you and DH know. If you do go with the separate weeks solution, I think the goal of working toward improving the conflict should still be there. Otherwise the separation might give tacit encouragement that the conflict is OK.
Would there be perceived disparity anyway? Skids had pizza night last Wednesday and we're having meatloaf...no fair. Bio-kids got the brand new video game and we weren't here...no fair. They went to the mall and we didn't...no fair. You don't want us here because you like the other kids better...no fair.
Also, as far as moms who want their 'me time'... I know that a parent should be committed to 100% of the time. I know that an intact family doesn't have the luxury of time off. I don't think that means that it's a bad thing to take advantage of time without kids if the opportunity is there. I may be a less than stellar parent in many aspects, but I don't think the one where I sometimes slump back on the couch and breathe a sigh of relief at having some me time when my DS goes to his dad's is the one that makes me a bad parent. I know lots of single parents don't EVER get that, but does that mean I should abstain as a gesture of solidarity? Hopefully in an intact family, each parent is giving the other a break at times. I know it doesn't work that way sometimes, though, so am I a lesser parent than the mom with the absentee husband? Do we need to punch a time clock to prove our devotion to parenthood?
I'll also admit that if the conflict and problems weren't there, you can sure bet I'd like to get all the homework, chore, bedtime, extracurricular, wholesome meal, kid tv show, flash card, board game, kids-who-ask-a-million-questions nights done at the same time. Of course, if we could all do that and still be singing kum-bay-ah at the end of the night, none of us would be here.
Its possible that it would
Its possible that it would just be a band aid - and you are right, we would have to evenly do things on the weeks we had them.. But aren't most other blended families having to do that when they don't have their kids all at the same time all the time or have diff weekends etc? I look at is as right now I'm spending most of my time either correcting them, separating them, trying to help them understand that we are a family and yes, she is your step sister but you have to respect her and include her and share with her. the 2, 7-yr olds are both head strong, have to get the last word and its always the others fault. Its emotionally draining for all of us. So to me having diff weeks would allow us to have grow with the kids and for me to also build a relationship with his that's not constant bickering or yelling or scolding.. I probably should have thought this through a little more before remarrying.. the kids have already been through a lot.
Oh, I didn't mean to give you
Oh, I didn't mean to give you a hard time about the fairness thing. I was just throwing additional thinking points out there. I actually am a proponent of everything equals out in the end and not sweat every detail being equal.
I can't imagine how hard it is for you. We have DD16, SS16, DS11(almost 12), and SD8(just turned). The older 2 get along great. Mutual friends, never fight, yet no creepy crushes or anything. The younger 2 only occasionally fight because one of SD's hobbies is getting other people in trouble (mostly her own brother, but sometimes my son). If we had your dynamic, I would probably lose it. Oh, and we only have SD on weekends.
If you need to try the other way, please do. Maybe invent some other excuse to tell the kids though, as to why the switch. And if you can get into family counseling, at least for you and DH, that would be great.
Oh, and when SD was 6, going on 7, was when things peaked for me not liking her. To help myself figure out what to do, I googled 6/7 year old behavior. The thing about always needing to be right and blame others is a textbook symptom of being that age. Maybe, just maybe, the younger kids will outgrow some of this.
Oh I didnt take it offensive.
Oh I didnt take it offensive. I just don't know whats right or wrong.. or if my feelings are more selfish is all. Ive been struggling with this for a while.. But after 9mths and no sign of change I was hoping to try and change it myself I guess. My kids are really the hard ones. They miss our time alone I think too - If one of mine say "mom can you sleep with just me on special night" (we have 1 special day usually a week- we call it sleepover day) " the other says "thats not fair" so we do it together.. Im trying to teach them to share and not be so selfish, but theyve spent a lot of years with just them and they are 6 yrs apart so they never really fought over anything.. just bickered from time to time.. but this is the life of remarrying with a man who has children. I thought it would be good for them, but its a challenge. We will get through it though..thanks for your input
yes I agree that it is
yes I agree that it is teaching them to have me to themselves.. Its really hard tho when they go to the other parent and they do have him to themselves (if that makes sense) - and yes, my kids do argue from time to time with just them.. just getting them all together is challenging for a full week then breaking apart to a whole other life for a week i guess...thanks for your input though --all of this helps
I personally don't like it
I personally don't like it when we have SD 7 here by herself because she is completely adult focused and goes Daddddyy, daddy all the time.She can't entertain herself longer than 5 minutes and always needs someone or something.
It is hard enough to deal with her egocentric behavior when everybody is here....I would find it even harder to have her by herself.When she is, I do my 'duties" but hide away since I refuse to look at those annoying behaviour patterns and attempts to be SO's mini wife.No thanks for me.But in other families that could work!