Okay...Soooo here goes... I am totally new at this blogging thing. I'm not one to join forums but there's always a first time and this is it. Grab a seat and a snack because this is a very long story....
My situation is that I have been with my DH for 17 years. He has a daughter from his previous marriage. When I first met him, I felt that he was an amazing dad as he had custody of his daughter and the mom wasn't in the picture much. He was very attentive to his child. He worked hard but made sure she was always properly taken care of.
I knew this going in and found that after dating for quite some time, I not only fell in love with my husband, I fell in love with his daughter as well. She was just turning 6. She was a joy to be around and as cute as a bug. I loved that her dad was easy going and fun to be with. These very same traits of his is what is now driving me to...blog!
The 1st year together was awesome. Then ...BM decides that if she went for custody, she would have an income because she decided that she didn't want to work. The first time we took my SD for a visitation with her mom, SD screamed and wouldn't let go of me. I pried her off of me and placed her with her mother knowing that the mother daughter relationship was crucial.I should have had a clue when my husband just stood there saying nothing.
I could tell that the mom was hurt and this bothered me. DH didn't want to discuss it.
Things went downhill from there. BM decided that she wanted full custody instead of visitation because she needed the income. We agreed to visitation and to paying her a few hundred bucks a month. Things escalated to where she wasn't using the child support for my SD. She went shopping for herself with each check and then would scream for more money. We told her no as we were paying all of my SD expenses already. BM then went for full custody. We had concerns because she had many boyfriends that were less than desireable. At one point my SD complained that one of them had "done things". Again, DH did nothing. I took SD to a pediatrician that suspected but could not prove anything. SD was having reaccuring bladder infections every time she came back form visits with her mother. One infection left her hospitalized. This was when the battle began. We contacted the courts for a date for mediation. This process was a nightmare. We finally came to an agreement of shared custody but only because one of BM's boyfriends dads was a mediator in the very small town that this took place in.
Problem was that BM would not abide by the agreement. Many times she failed to meet for the exchange. This was awful as it made my SD sad. Again...Hubby refrained from addressing the issue. Soon my SD beagn showing signs of anger. We hired an art therapist to help sort things out. It was found that my SD felt safe with us. The BM was furious that the art therapist put this in her report and the courts were reconsidering their custody decision.
My DH withdrew from dealing with any of the things that were happening. Soon after, his mother decided it was her job to dictate how things should be done from 4000 miles away. She, along with her daughter managed to turn what was once a peaceful life, into a life filled with major unrest.
I am no angel. The more that they interferred, the more resistant I became to engaging with them. This was at a time that my father had been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor and I was in the midst of trying to take care of him. I was no picnic myself as my dad was my best buddy and seeing him wither away was a heartbreaker. It was because of this that I understood how important a father daughter relationship was.
The family drama nonsense went on for a few years after my father passed away. I was not allowed to grieve for him as I should have as according to my DH's family, I needed to get over it (that was a week after he had passed).
At one point, my sister in law came for an unnounced visit and found it necessary to rifle through my old tax files and personal belongings that had been in a box ready to go to storage. I had nothing to hide but I was unnerved that she would do this and then proceed to discuss with her mother what my income had been and the amount of my inheritance after my father had passed away. All the while my DH accepting this as normal behavior.
Not liking any form of confrontation, my DH being a man of few words, did nothing in any of the above situations to set any boundaries. Again, I am no angel so I began setting the boundaries much to everyones suprise and disagreement of course. I started gradually and as the insanity increased I began setting firmer boundaries. It was nothing for Dh family to show up unannounced and unexpectedly for two weeks from 4000 miles away. No warning...just a knock at the door and a "We'll be here for two weeks". Of course, Dh had nothing to say about this. After the 4th time, I finally had something to say...respectfully of course. Needless to say, they don't come unannounced any more.
When we had trips planned, many were cancelled because BM refused to adhere to the custody schedule. After cancelling many trips, I set a boundary. DH of course enjoyed that he didn't have to do the dirty work.
After 2 years of this insanity, I became pregnant with our youngest daughter. BM hated this and began throwing screaming tantrums in front of my SD. At one point, she almost ran over my husband with her truck. Of course DH stood close and said nothing when the police officer asked if he wanted to press charges.
Things just got worse from there. As my SD grew older, her emotional problems escalated. My Dh's family knew nothing about boundaries and the reasonable ones that were set were ignored. If my MIL could not get her way, she would scream and threaten. She would refuse to speak to her son for two years.
Our youngest daughter and my SD were very close but my SD had been caught many times pinching her sister. Sibling rivalry. She was spoken to and told that would not be tolerated. This only made things worse. BM then decided that SD would not visit at all. Soon, BM began violating the custody schedule all together. My SD began having rages and was so unhappy. It hurt to see this. We tried mediation again. With each visit, my SD would tell me that she didn't want her mommy to be mad at her for being with us. I hated seeing her placed in such a bad situation. Again my DH did nothing. Any attempt of talking to the BM resulted in her screaming and throwing things.
All the while the sis-in-law and MIL were having a feeding frenzy. They did not like the ex wife and I had been told that the ex wife refused to be around them. They kept those wounds open for eons.
When my SD became a teen, she went through the normal teen meltdowns and tantrums. It was not a pretty time and the BM bought into my SD rants about everyone being mean to her. The BM transferrred her from school to school because the teachers were "mean", No they weren't! She quit job after job because her bosses were "mean"... Nope!
This just goes on and on and on. After SD decided to stop talking to us for two years, she decided she was grace us with her presence once more after she turned 18. Apparently her stepdad purchased a truck for her with the agreement that she had to disown us.
When she turned 18 and the truck was transferred into her name, she owned us again. Oh..guess I failed to mention that when her dad bought her a cell phone for her 16th birthday (I warned him not to) she ran the bill up to $500.00 and refused to pay it. We then sold her dirtbike (that was a gift to her by or course grandma) and paid the bill. No worries tho because stepdaddy bought her a new one to put in the back of her new truck.
After this was all said and done, she decides she wants a relationship again. Our youngest at this time was 10. We were thrilled that our family was seeming to heal from past hurts. Not really! What was unfolding was that SD decided to introduce our youngest into the world of ugly things. Goth, hate music and some really dark stuff all the while pretending to be the trendy classy kid that she had everyone fooled into thinking she was. She was encouraging our youngest to be angry that we wouldn't allow her to attend a hate concert in a hardcore club with a known history of violence. Our youngest was only 14. At this point SD was 22. So much more has taken place and DH and I were at a loss as to why out youngest was acting out so much. We expected the usual teen stuff but not what was unfolding. I finally had enough and of course DH had no opinion so I got our youngest into counseling. Wow..what an eye opener. Our oldest had been promoting depression. Yup..didn't know that was possible until the therapist defined it for me.
I asked DH to call SD so we could meet and get on the same page. Of course DH said he would but never did. Things escalated and SD along with MIL and Sis-in-law were all encouraging our youngest to be angry with DH & I because we have boundaries and we are "mean". I guess telling our 14 year old child that she is not allowed to drink with her 22 year old sister is now considered mean in today's society.
So now..flash forward...SD is now not speaking with us, has disowned us again and wants nothing to do with sitting down to discuss working on our relationship. Sd is getting married next weekend and has announced that she wants her sister in the wedding. We thought she wanted nothing to do with us and the last we heard over a month ago was she felt that we have ruined her life and then she hung up.
Our youngest is almost numb from all of her sisters abandonments of her. She has made plans to spend the time with her best friends family. I'm all for that but now DH is upset that she isn't going to her sisters wedding. DH is not invited but his mother and sister have been calling him call after call. He's not invited so I'm not sure why they keep pestering him to commit to our youngest beingin the wedding when #1 she doesn't want to and #2 Dh isn't even invited.
They hate me with a passion and quite frankly, I really don't give a darn anymore so there was never a question in my mind about me attending the wedding.
I have been very mindful to not discuss any of this with our youngest and I share no negative talk of her dads family with her. She is not a big fan of her grandmother and really doesn't even know her that well since she lives 4000 miles away. I am quietly happy that she has chosen to spend her weekend with her best friend and being happy instead of going to her sisters wedding and being miserable. Since Sd has "disowned us" again, our youngest has upped her grades from c's to a's, she happy and laughing much more and she's sleeping well. I want her to have a relationship with her sister, just not one that is harmful. Am I wrong to feel this way?