Can't deal with my Fiance's daughter
I am at my wits end and I don't have anyone that I can talk to that even remotely understands what I am going through when it comes to my Fiances daughter. I dread when this child comes to stay with us because she is so hard to deal with. I have 4 children and none of them have ever acted the way she does. She is 10 years old and a straight A student in school, but when she uses the bathroom, she doesn't wipe herself, which is so disqusting. Her clothes and bedding smells like urine and her clothing is soiled to the point where I won't even touch it anymore. My fiance has spoken to her about it and we even sent the soiled clothing home and spoke to her mother about it and it hasn't helped. So, I stepped in and told her how gross it is and that from now on she is going to wash her own laundry. I am hoping this will help her see how bad her hygene is. But that is problem one. She also eats like she is deprived of food all the time. She is 125 lbs and not that tall. She is visibly very much overweight and nobody but me controls her food intake. I have even had to hide all treats because she sneaks food. When I say she can't have something, she goes to her dad and asks because he will say yes. When I ask her why she didn't listen, she says because she didn't want what I was telling her she could have. I know hitting a child isn't right, but if my kid did that a spanking would be soon to follow. He just keeps telling her not to do it again, but it continues. She was told by her dad not to eat anything without permission, but she still does it and gives a pretend "I'm Sorry" when caught and never has any reprocussions exept no tv. She is very lazy and the way she speaks to her dad with this soft tone and look on her face makes me want to shake my fiance and say "do you not see how condesending she is being?". Her voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. My children listen and respect authority and my 7 year old hygeine is well above this childs. From what I can see, neither one of her parents is hard enough on her to make this stop. My fiance and I always fight when it comes to her because he puts up a wall and won't even listen to me. Or, he comes back at me with stuff about my 7 year old. I admit my daughter is loud (like her dad) and always is asking me questions and trying to be very close to me, but I am working on that with her and I admit she needs to work on this issue. It has come to the point where I barely speak to his child and I hide in my room after my kids go home to their dad in the evening. During the weekends, I take my kids and go out in order to avoid her. I love my fiance, but I don't know how much more of her I can take. If anyone has any advice to offer I will gladly accept it.
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You have just described my
You have just described my Sd9 to a T. Infuriating isn't it?
Yes. It is terribly
Yes. It is terribly frustrating. That is why I hide when she comes over.
^^^^EXACTLY!!!!^^^^ Things
^^^^EXACTLY!!!!^^^^
Things will NOT get better IF your Fiance CONTINUES to keep his head in the sand about this little shit!!! It is crystal clear that he does not respect your opinions, feelings or wanting to help him with this brat. SOOOO...you can either suffer and deal with his 10 year old running his life OR you and your children can move on with your lives and find a man that is worthy of all of you
I would choose the latter if I were you....
I hid the snacks and when I
I hid the snacks and when I went home for lunch I noticed that she found them. I will be finding another hiding spot. I don't have kids with weight issues and they know when they are allowed a certain kind of snack. It almost makes me ill watching how she shovels in her food. But, if I put my elbow on the table during dinner, she has the nerve to correct me and her dad allows it. I told her that I bust my butt every day from sun up to sun down and if I want to put my elbow on the table, then it is my business. I have tried to tell him how he is oblivious to her actions and he is so stupid when it comes to her behavior, but he notices anything my kids do wrong very quickly.
You and your situation are
You and your situation are the PERFECT candidates for DISENGAGEMENT....EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!!!
If DH wants to be a dumbass and let her do whatever she wants whenever she wants and let her run his life and be a little bitch to you and disrespect you then FINE!!! Let them have what they want...DONT SAY OR DO JACK SHIT FOR YOUR SD OR YOUR DH!!! Let him COMPLETELY HANDLE HER and I mean EVERYTHING!!! Step back and enjoy your life with your kids and leave the lard ass and her dear daddy to fen for themselves!!!
Enjoy yur new life of skidfree bliss my friend!!!
We must have the same SD10.
We must have the same SD10. My SD is very manipulative and condescending with her dad and he doesn't see it. She doesn't like me because I see right through her shit. I would say don't marry him. I know I wouldn't have married my husband if I knew before hand what I was getting into but when we got married this behavior wasn't as bad no that we are it got worse. My SD still talks like a baby and cant do anything herself. Get out while you can. Unless he starts to back you up on your decisions. My SD tried the bull shit of asking both of us for something looking for the answer she wanted and when I told her dad what she was doing she was punished and we put a stop to it. You have to be on the same page, however I know it's hard when your DH thinks you're picking on his daughter when in reality he isn't being hard enough on her. My SD also sneaks food and is very much overweight at the age of 10. We refuse to hide our food if she wants to get fat then that's what she can do, if she wants her teeth to rot out then so be it. But I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for it later.
I have a similar food issue
I have a similar food issue with my SD5. She is overweight and would eat non-stop if allowed. It's so foreign to me because all of my nieces and nephews, as well as my sisters and I were all very fit children. This child is content to just watch movies and snack all day. And I seem to be the ONLY one that cares about it. My DH will occasionally acknowledge she needs more exercise, yet he doesn't really encourage her to go outside and play. I feel like I'm turning into the wicked stepmother because she now knows that I will say no to a snack, so she goes to other people like my DH or anyone other adult. Most adults love feeding kids so they give her what she asks for. And apparently her Mom gives her a snack as soon as she picks her up from my DH, immediately after we fed her dinner. It's so crazy, but I'm about to just give up on it if no one else is concerned that she is going to be an obese child. Her hygiene isn't good either, but as a 5 year old I guess that is to be expected. But again, I'm the one telling her to wash her hands, brush her teeth, wipe, etc. Sometimes I just disengage from it, but I feel like my DH has no clue. He means well, but had very little experience with children before my SD. I've also realized recently that it's coming to the point that I barely want to speak to her. And I used to love it when she came over. Now as she is getting older and more manipulative my tolerance is getting much, much lower.
Wow, we have the same child
Wow, we have the same child basically. You need to be consistent with her rules and consequences, BUT you need to get DH on board as well and have a solid base for her. She needs rules and structure, and DH needs to step up and stop being the guilty, disney dad and actually parent that child. If he does not, you will both be sorry very soon.
Our SD9 tries most of the same things you mention, but DH is getting better and better all the time with enforcing the rules we BOTH made. Bedtime, dinner at the table, restroom manners, household chores, etc. HE is in charge of her bedtime, and he enforces it. I am adamant about no snacking and I have no issue saying no to her. She can whine to him all she wants, he doesn't usually budge. She tries to manipulate him, he see's most of it, but not all. I just point it out nicely, and he can deal with it. It doesn't mean he always believes me or welcomes my input, but we are a team and unless he wants to be a single dad again, he knows we need to meet in the middle on this.
How were you able to get you
How were you able to get you husband to listen to you and see what she was doing? Mine just puts up a wall and gets very defensive, then asks if I am done beating up him parenting skills. Maybe I am not approaching it right or he is just closed minded. I need to possibly find a better way to approach things in order to get him to listen to me.
Oh then please definitely see
Oh then please definitely see my post below. Reading Stepmonster really helped arm me to talk to my SO about his daughter. He was defensive and had a long list of reasons why he "couldn't" do anything about her behavior.
I talk and talk, I show him
I talk and talk, I show him examples of other people with the same issues (from here and other websites), I have books I read and make him read parts, or I copy and send to him to read at work. I have to approach it differently than just flat out bitching about her, because he will tune that out. I am learning how to get it into his head, so he can think it over, without nagging the shit out of him like I want to do.
DH has to be open to listening, at least. If he flat out refuses to listen or see her for what she really is, then you HAVE to step back and disengage and let him deal with her 100%.
I still have issues to deal with in regards to SD10, she still tries to get her way ALL THE TIME, but he see's it now usually. When it has gotten really bad, I said "ok we are going to family therapy, or we are breaking up. Its your choice. If you choose to not believe anything I say about her, then you will grow old alone."
Once he heard me on the phone calling a therapist to make an appt, his attitude changed quickly.
Read all you can and educate yourself, then start on him.
Stepping back and disengaging
Stepping back and disengaging has helped for a lot of us. I pretty much only deal with SD's behavior if something dangerous is going on. Dealing with their own kids forces them to not ignore what is going on. Seems like if given enough rope, most of these kids will hang themselves = great big wake up call to Dad.
Looking up articles about the
Looking up articles about the problem and sending them to him sounds like it may be something he would finally listen to. When I constantly point out problems, he feels beat up. I need to try a new approach and if it doesn't work, then I need to move out. She had made comments to my kids in front of me "that this isn't your moms house, it is my daddy's". All my child said was that they liked my house. She has also commented to me that she misses being the " the woman of the house". I feel she would be very happy if I were gone. Her brother is 7 and I am tough on him, but he respects it and always gives me hugs at random times, which I love. He knows I don't deal with his bullshit and he respects me for it. Hopefully some new methods of getting him to agree on some stronger discipline will work. But, I am not going to let a 10 year of push me out of what is for the most part a wonderful relationship.
I would suggest reading the
I would suggest reading the book Stepmonster, by Wednesday Martin. It doesn't specifically address the child's behavior issues, but it addresses the dynamic of how the Guilty Dad, and consequently Mean Stepmother, works (or rather doesn't work). It will teach you A LOT about what is going on in front of you and give you the framework and vocabulary to talk to your fiance without it being about you "hating his kid" or her being a "victim of divorce".
You will find on this site that bio-dads who ignore behavior, try to overcompensate by indulging, and/or say they are helpless to do anything are VERY common.
I really can't stress strongly enough to read that book.
This isn't about the girl. It
This isn't about the girl. It is about extremely lazy parenting that borders on neglect and abuse. So the blame lies at your fiance's feet.
It is easier to blame a child who has never been shown how to behave or regulate her eating than it is to blame somoene you chose as a life partner. I really must be an intolerant person because I could NEVER live this way!