Frustr8d1's picture

Return from Summer Update

So, after 3 years of living full time with us and BM refusing to contact SD9 during those 3 years, SD returned from her first visit in 3 yrs with BM over the summer. Needless to say, she returned to us completely brainwashed or something!? I've been in shock for the past 4 days, wondering WTF happened to this kid we used to know?! For 3 years, we went through SO much pain & agony to transform a lying, stealing, manipulating 9yo into a somewhat "normal" child. She left at the start of summer, crying that she didn't want to leave us. And NOW, she came back to us as a COMPLETE stranger and is making it clear that she wants nothing to do with us! She's gone. We lost her. She lives with us full time and after a short VISIT, she is treating us like total shit! She hasn't said a word to me for 4 days, on my birthday she deliberately turned her back to me and wouldn't even look at me all day, is dis-respecting DH like a total ASS, and ignorant to her half-sister (2 yrs old).

So today I decided, FUCK this. She will never accept me as family so I'll just ignore her attitude. THEN, she suddenly walked up to me before going to bed and said, "Goodnight mom." She reached out expecting a hug and I just couldn't muster the courage to return it. I don't want to blame or excuse any behavior on anyone's part. I just don't want to feel fucking crazy, like she always makes me feel.


Frustr8d1's picture

Wait....before I get

Wait....before I get attacked...need to clarify some things!! It's not all about me! It's about my DH, my 2 yo, my SD, and my ENTIRE family dynamic! At her age, she needs to take accountability for her position in a family. This is an almost 10 yo....and she chose to not contact DH ALL summer long even though she had free access. She comes back and spits in my face by deliberately being mean, ignorant and disrespectful....MIND YOU, THIS IS ONLY A SNAPSHOT OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN THE PAST 4 DAYS!!

Then, when SHE NEEDS me to stand in as a parent to her, she decides to take what she needs from me.

(You're NOT my mom, and I will show you how much I DON"T want you to be my mom...fuck you...but now that it's bedtime, I NEED you to be my MOM) Huh??

BTW, she does know VERY well what she has done to cause me to "turn my back on her!" DH and I discussed it very rationally & thoroughly with her the idea of family and of values and of respecting those who care enough to take care of you. Hmmmm, so we are here to be used and very abused but she isn't required to at least say "Hi??" Then, when she decides she wants to go have ice cream with her friend, she is all friendly with us? I went back and read my own Journal from when I was 9...I was making an honest attempt to try and understand what might be going through her mind at that age...and now I'm even more convinced how immature and RUDE SD is toward others! She's not only rude to me. She treats everyone like a piece of shit. It's really NOT all about me.

So go ahead and judge me. Crucify me. I'M DONE.

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Trying to survive...

StickAFork's picture

I wasn't trying to judge and

I wasn't trying to judge and crucify you, I'm just suggesting you look at it from HER perspective. It's very easy for us to see things our way, especially when our feelings are hurt. (And I understand why you're hurt!)
Why do you think she "needs" you at bedtime?? Sounds like she was trying to say goodnight and give you a hug.
If it's more important to you to be "right," then by all means...continue to convince yourself that SD is really a demon dressed as a little girl.
She's NINE. There are stepmoms on here who behave worse than she does, for Pete's sake. Being a parent means, among other things, teaching children how to behave. Modeling for them the behavior you want to see.

I'm still trying to figure out why you think she "needed" you so she could say goodnight.
Also, just a fair warning, SDs get WAAAY worse when they hit their teens. You think it's bad now? Just wait!

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Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

Frustr8d1's picture

Again, STOP over-analyzing

Again, STOP over-analyzing wording & semantics on topics you don't see first hand!

"I'm still trying to figure out why you think she "needed" you so she could say goodnight."

What I meant was, this kid has a history of changing her disposition in an instant. From "I hate your guts," kicking the wall, punching DH, etc....then suddenly acting like an angel when SHE needs something (new bike, wants to go to a friend's house, needs a hug Eye-wink ). So, after giving me the total shit-face for 4 days, she suddenly walks up and wants to act all "sweet" and angelic??

Even my own 22yo will tell you I would not have allowed her to act like that. I would have said, "Oh, hell no, you don't treat people like shit for days, then expect them to come running to you when you want comfort. That's not how the real world works. You are nice and respectful to others first, and someday you will have a solid support system when you need it."

As it turns out, my 22yo has been extremely respectful towards everyone she ever meets, including the "underdogs," and her own support system is simply amazing...although her long story is not meant for this forum...

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Trying to survive...

Frustr8d1's picture

I'm sure I know what it means

I'm sure I know what it means to be a parent---with a 22 yo, a 2yo, and a 2yo grandson. Just remember...everything posted on here is just a snapshot. No one knows the 24/7 dealings I've had and continue to have with her...

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Trying to survive...

StickAFork's picture

:sigh: Ok. I don't know what

:sigh:
Ok.
I don't know what your 22 year old is like. I tend to think that how well one parents is not measured by how old or how many kids one has, but how they turn out as adults.

You're right. It's a snapshot. What is known is what YOU put out there.

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Stick a fork in me... I'm done...

Frustr8d1's picture

:sigh: :sigh: :sigh: It's

:sigh: :sigh: :sigh:

It's just funny when people see that I have SD9 plus a 2 yo BD, and they assume I don't know what's coming when I've already been through the nasty teens with my 22yo...

From SAF: "Also, just a fair warning, SDs get WAAAY worse when they hit their teens. You think it's bad now? Just wait!"

I know all too well what is coming...thanks for so kindly "reminding" me and thanks for making it seem so much worse. Eye-wink

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Trying to survive...

Namehere's picture

I have some experience with

I have some experience with this. Kids always will put their bio parents on a pedastel (NO MATTER WHAT).

So in future, keep this lesson in mind. It's a tough one.
You can love them, fill empty shoes, but you can never replace mom. Sometimes you bare the brunt of their anger
though. The kids don't need your approval, they are bonded from the cradle to always want "bio-parents'" approval.

I wouldn't excuse bad behavior. Here's how I handle this situation with our resident child.

I keep things casual. DH does 90% of the hands on parenting. I love, but am not emotionally invested in the child loving me back. I do random nice things, we have random family time. I throw out random "I love you's" and get the same in return.

NO PRESSURE is my key phrase for our relationship.
I just want the child to be comfortable with me, and vice versa.

So when BM comes around with her drama, drama, manipulations, heart wrenching drama, there is NO confusion about our differences or roles.

BM is a rollercoaster. I am a comfy familiar pilllow. DH is the teddy bear/disciplinarian.

Frustr8d1's picture

Great advice, Namehere. I

Great advice, Namehere. I appreciate your experience and insight. I especially appreciate your approach in not attacking me! Eye-wink

My God, I feel I've been physically beaten and "jumped" into a gang initiation! HAha

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Trying to survive...