Carah's picture

What's the big deal???? Really???

So I go away for one night to visit a sick relative and bf who constantly bitches about BMW letting sd4 sleep with her lets ad sleep in our bed that night sd who I think is quite manipulative just took great pleasure in telling me she slept in my bed so I asked bf and he's all like yah what's the big deal I just walked out shaking my head we are suppose to go away tomorrow to visit sick relative again maybe I should just go on my own I can't handle this anymore am I making too much out of this????

RedWingsFan's picture

I wouldn't say you're making

I wouldn't say you're making too much out of it. If you and he had an arrangement that SD isn't supposed to sleep in your bed, then he should honor that regardless of whether or not you're there that night.

It's solidarity, plain and simple. I'd be bent if I came home to that too. Besides, there's no reason for a child of that age to be sleeping in your bed anyway.

Just my opinion.

"Behind every bitch is a woman who got tired of being broken"

"Wine is to women like duct tape is to men - it fixes everything"

Carah's picture

I agree which is why I was

I agree which is why I was pissed she has her own room that is MY room no reason for her to be in there whatsoever this may be stupid but I feel like my privacy has been invaded

Carah's picture

I agree which is why I was

I agree which is why I was pissed she has her own room that is MY room no reason for her to be in there whatsoever this may be stupid but I feel like my privacy has been invaded

Carah's picture

I think I'm just upset

I think I'm just upset because I am so sick of the babying of her I can't stand it anymore I'm so over it I wonder how he would feel if my kids were in here he would say that wouldn't happen cus they are older and ad is only 4 but as far as I'm concerned same rules for all the kids and my room is off limits to all of them

RedWingsFan's picture

The babying continued until I

The babying continued until I came into the picture and showed DH how SD14 was totally manipulating and ruling him at age 11...yours is only 4. Lets all hope he gets a clue and stops the babying now

"Behind every bitch is a woman who got tired of being broken"

"Wine is to women like duct tape is to men - it fixes everything"

Carah's picture

Oh that's how it's is

Oh that's how it's is constantly she certainly doesn't try all that crap when daddy is not around it's bs as soon as daddy is here she turns into a whining cryin brat saying I miss my mommy and that's cus mommy gives her everything she wants too I really can't stand it anymore and am thinking maybe this is all not worth this

Carah's picture

We have her f/t and I have

We have her f/t and I have her alone probably 90%

Carah's picture

I do love him but would love

I do love him but would love him more without her is that horrible?

Frustr8d1's picture

I feel like I would love DH a

I feel like I would love DH a lot more with SD out of the picture. Her constant, nagging presence just brings about too much drama and reminders of BM since they both lie & manipulate like a motherfucker.

Trying to survive...

Brady_Bunch_plus_some's picture

She's 4 and you feel this

She's 4 and you feel this way. I don't really think it ever gets better. Ever. How long have you been with him?

giveitago's picture

Full time is hard with SKids,

Full time is hard with SKids, I know this, believe me.
Suggest to him that she really is only 4 and a lot of it is 'baby see baby do' at this point. She's smart, I have to give her that much!
Advice I got once was not to let a child push my buttons, it seems like you have hot buttons right now. The best thing you can do is be more nonchalant about these issues and ignore the bad behaviors designed to make you angry and cause a fight between you and her dad. That's what it is, she wants you to fight because it gives her POWER! Stop that bus right there! Do not dignify what she is saying, if you must respond then ask her why she said such a mean thing. Forcing her to do some introspection with well placed questions is always a plus, right? This kid only knows a bitchy woman as an example. You have the opportunity to help the child to grow and learn. I would suggest you talk to her dad and say that you want positive things for SD and you need his help with that...since you have her the majority of the time (make sure you say that in a positive tone) and set small goals for her to achieve along with her dad and make rewards incentive enough but not to spoil her. This is PRIME learning time for that girl right now.

I forgive but I am damned if I'll forget!

Orange County Ca's picture

The big deal is its your

The big deal is its your bedroom. I walked into my parents bedroom with a bit of awe until I was an adult. I can't remember it specifically but I'm sure at some point I was told it was off-limits.

But he is not going to change. He may seem to on the surface but as soon as your back is turned he'll revert right back. Of course once your married he'll have no reason to put on the facade anymore. He'll be right up front about it.

So its time to rethink and regroup. Is this really what you want for a life? And just wait until she's a teenager. Boy lets see - a minimum of 14 years and maybe more. And if her mother dies or otherwise can't watch the kids then guess what? Or perhaps they're already with Daddy full time in which case you're probably kept around for free babysitting, cooking, cleaning and an occasional romp in your (shared) bed.

I assume you're childless so far. There are a million similar men out there waiting for you. Why throw your lot in with what is sure to be a problem filled arena for the rest of your life? Get out now before you waste any more of your time as surely the rest of your life will be a waste if you stay.

Carah's picture

No I have two children of my

No I have two children of my own 11 and 13 so not only is it hard to go back to dealing with a 4 yr old I feel like I dot exist when she is around and the babying is grating on my last nerve I really need to think a lot about this maybe going away tomorrow by myself would be a good think thanks ladies xoxox u have given me a lot of insight and a lot of truth about what I have been thinking myself ex babysitter housekeeper etc I have already disengaged when they are here together maybe I need to really disengage

Carah's picture

I was never allowed into my

I was never allowed into my parents room that was their space even now as an adult it is weird for me to walk in there this is my sanctuary and my space and I don't need it invaded

emotionaly beat up's picture

Love is a two way street.

Love is a two way street. Love is supposed to be about wanting the best for your partner each of you wanting the best for each other. You can love him more than life itself, but if he doesn't love you in the same way it won't work anyway. One person cannot do all the giving while the other does all the taking.

He gets to go off 90% of the time you say while you take care of HIS child. That is a favour you are doing for him, it is his child and he has no right to just expect because you are living there you will take full responsibility for his child. Then, having done that, he cannot respect one little boundary you have put up - No kids in your room. You are doing a lot for him, yet he could not respect that for you.

So she is 4 and he cannot take her back to her own room, why - well in a nutshell, because he's too lazy to, it's easiser to just give in. What happens when she is 14. This is going to get worse and worse and worse.

He bitches about BM allowing the child to sleep in her bed, then the first opportunity he does it himself. You are heading into a minefield here. If he cannot control a 4 year old he will never control her when she is older and YOU will be the one who is always in the wrong. He will bring her up to be a brat, you will complain, and he will attack you for picking on his child, you two will constantly fight over her, it's happening already, that's how it works.

From what you're saying she is manipulating him, and he is allowing that, guess it's pretty normal for little girls and their daddies, however, if daddy doesn't pull her into line, she is not going to grow up to be a very nice person. He is teaching her, you whinge and you'll get what you want. He is showing her, you are a bitch and he is the good guy. This has to stop. You are giving her consistency and he is giving her crap.

For step relationships to work both adults must have clear guidelines, rules and boundaries that they both agree on for the kids. Both of you must stick to them, or discuss it with the other before changing them. If he does what he likes while you do what you have to do, this isn't going to work very well. To be honest, I'd think long and hard about this relationship. The older they get the harder it is. Do you really want this life. Your BF doesn't sound likes he's going to be a good dad in as much as giving her the discipline and guidence she needs, and worse still, when you give her that, he undermines you. This, is not love hon, this is not love.

Brady_Bunch_plus_some's picture

Incredibly well articulated.

Incredibly well articulated. A lot of folks on this site could benefit from this post. Save a whole lot of heart ache. Great post!

Carah's picture

Wow emotionallybeatup are you

Wow emotionallybeatup are you peering through my windows lol you just summed up my life in a nutshell well said xo

Carah's picture

Funny how all this stemmed

Funny how all this stemmed from the bedroom incident obviously a lot of underlying unresolved issues here

emotionaly beat up's picture

Think it' human nature, we

Think it' human nature, we put up with this big thing and that big thing and we keep on keeping on. Then one day some tiny little thing gets added on to the burden and we collapse in a heap. I imagine it really isn't so much about her sleeping in your bed as her sleeping in your bed was the straw that broke the camel's back. Welcome to our world............It sucks. Smiling

Carah's picture

It does suck we just had a

It does suck we just had a huge argument and are suppose to be going away in the morning don't even know if he's coming now when I told him how I felt and that these actions really make it seem like I am the bad guy because his rules are different from the rules when I am here he just rolled his eyes and walked out I don't need this shit

Carah's picture

I just really don't know if

I just really don't know if this is worth it anymore I'm so over it it has affected EVERY aspect of our lives and I just don't think I have the strength anymore

emotionaly beat up's picture

I am going to give you advice

I am going to give you advice that I never followed for myself. Go away without him tomorrow. Leave him to sort out himself and his daughter. Give him a look at your life. If you come back and the mess is bigger than when you left, then you know he's never going to get it, and it will not get any better only worse.

I probably out of fear of making my husband angry never tested the waters until it got to breaking point and I really didn't care if he left. Maybe you will feel the same way too. But it would be better to not let it get that far down the line.

I think it was a lack of confidence and self esteem on my part as well as an upbringing were the man was always right. I was conditioned from birth to serve. Now at 60 I look back and cannot believe how sucked into that vortex I was. We each have a right to live our life to the fullest and not under some man or woman's thumb.

If you cannot even discuss this with him, without him becoming defensive and arguementative you have a problem and it is this. He knows he is wrong, but it is easier for him to do things the way he is doing them, even if it is not right for his daughter or for you. He is going to get mad, yell at you and do his damdest to make you think YOU are in the wrong. You know you are not.

You have a right to be treated with respect. Don't sell yourself short. Do not put up with second best. A happy, healthy productive life alone is heaps better than living on the edge always wondering when the next arguement is going to happen. If you want his love and respect, then love and respect yourself. Don't make it about him or his daughter, don't argue about it. Just tell him, you expect to be treated better than this. You are doing the right thing by his child and you expect his support. Make it all about you. And if you can, go away by youself. Maybe he needs to be fearful instead of you all the time.

emotionaly beat up's picture

But I love him Gosh, this

But I love him Laughing out loud Gosh, this is my second marriage, I was 48 before I married him. You'd think I'd know better wouldn't you. But I loved him, my love would change him, he would get better. His kids were just awful to him but with my love help and support it would all get better, he and I my kids and his kids would go happily skipping hand in hand through the meadow. Barf!

When I met my DH he was Prince Charming, all be it a Prince Charming estanged from his kids. I was sure that wasn't his fault, he was just lovely. He was my soul mate. I had one of those loves that teenagers have you know the but I'll die without him kinda thing,

Fourteen months into it, with my love, support and encouragement, in come the stepkids. My life turned into a living hell. He became a whole different person when his kids came into our life. His daughter is a narcassist and so to some degree is he. He charmed me, sucked me in, he went from being the love of my life and supporting me, making me a better person, to totally destroying my self esteem and self confidence. 12 years later I am building my life again, yes he is here, but the relatinship is decidedly different. The special spark that we had that no one else in the world has ever had, has gone. However, as sad as that is, it has been replaced with self confidence and self esteem. I'm still working on things with myself, and I do mean with myself, I am putting my life back together and then I will see what happens next. But I am no longer trying to make his life better, trying to help him build relationships with his family, I am working on me.

Newwife3 is correct unfotunately, Loe is NEVER enough. I had enough love for that man to go around the universe, the problem was, he was deeply in love with himself and I didn't see it until the ring was on the finger.

So, at least I am still here, I have just turned 60 and woke up this morning, so as long as there is life there is hope. I can each and every day work on myself. That is not being selfish, it is doing the right thing by yourself and your partner. Everyone needs a doormat, no one loves one. No point in me behaving like a doormat and a complaining doormat at that if I'm not going to do anything to change it is there.

Newwife3 I want to scream to, at myself, and I'd like to give myself a right big slap across the head.

Still, maybe this is what it has taken for me to be assertive and to repsect myself and if it is , then as long as I learn the lesson that's okay. I was brought up in the children should be seen and not heard era, with alcholic parent (it's okay their life was tougher than mine), and with a mother who trained us girls to serve the men folk. So, over confidence was never going to be a problem Smiling

I think we teach people how to treat us. So I am re training someone.

Carah's picture

Thank you all much love will

Thank you all much love will keep u posted

Carah's picture

Ebu u r the best thanks for

Ebu u r the best thanks for the support

emotionaly beat up's picture

EBU was a bit slow to catch

EBU was a bit slow to catch on me thinks. Still better late than never. Smiling

Carah's picture

Absolutely

Absolutely

unbelieveable's picture

I feel like OUR bed is OUR

I feel like OUR bed is OUR bed. NO CHILDREN are allowed in OUR bed. Hell. That's all I have left is my bed. I read books. When I work from home I pull out my laptop and do paperwork on my bed...with these steps you can't have nice things anymore and they WON'T keep their hands off of anything. ANYTHING. I made it very CLEAR that, THE BED is OFF limits...and seriously - who wants to get a little in the bed when you KNOW that the kid he made with someone else was just in YOUR BED???!?!?!?! EEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! We see this ALL THE TIME on steptalk...SAVE YOUR BED!!! In the END that's ALL you have left!!! hahaha!

Carah's picture

Haha yOu guys are hilarious

Haha yOu guys are hilarious but I agree the kids can take over the house but my room is mine

emotionaly beat up's picture

It's hard typing from an

It's hard typing from an iPhone punctuating posts from them when your thinking on the run can be hard.